am mad

right now, i am mad at myself for two reasons

a) i am singing this stupid song that i want to stop singing, i am stuck on it and its not getting out of my head. vahi ... na jaane kyon main bekarar.... whatever... baitha hoon us raah me jo teri manzil nahi...
and
b) and this is even worse, i am sympathizing with this loon standing and waiting in this place which is not going to help him at all. i am mad at myself for understanding where he is coming from. i don't want to see his point of view. i want to be able to tell him that he is an idiot, that this is a bad idea, that he needs to stop and smell the roses. that he needs to wake up and realize the impotence of it all. and i am mad because i cannot bring myself to say all of this. duh. i just did. but, my heart was not in it.

you see, somewhere along the line, i am feeling bad for the lout. i can see how it is possible to get stuck in the rut of waiting for someone who never even promised to see you in the first place. they never said they were going to show up and if they did they never really meant it. it was a cursory phir milenge. it was not the promise that you made those black lines on the wall and scratched off your days for.

you see you have not been conciously stood up either. how pathetic is that? it took them no effort to cause you all of this pain. they were not even trying to be mean. they just simply forgot about your existance, they cannot even dream that that thing actually meant something to you, that you actually believed that they were going to show up. moorkh! aur tum se zyada main moorkh, jisko samjh nahi aa raha ki tumhari moorkhta par hasun ya phoot phoot kar rovoon?

theek hai bhai, tujhe jo karna hai tu kar, mujhe mat bata please. mera blood pressure high mat kar. please.