am feeling lonely

Today is one of those days when I am feeling so alone, left out, just all by myself. Usually I like that, to have time to myself, to be able to hear myself think, to not have to make conversation. But once in a while it can get to you. As human beings it is in our very natures to seek contact with other human beings. However flawed and unsatisfying we might find that interaction, however upset we might get at their inabilities to understand us, to relate to us, we still seek out someone who would listen to us. And when we don't get that for a while we become sad and forlorn.

You know that feeling, when you are walking on the side of a bridge, on a cold, dark, misty night. You are enjoying the chill in the air, the soft wet vapors that barely condense on your face, inhaling the essence of a lonely night. And then you happen to look at the scene below. For a few minutes you admire it. The valley to the right, the city to the left, and miles of highway below your feet, with its long lines of cars, the unending white lights of those approaching and the red ones of those going away. A necklace of pearls and rubies. Cars coming and going - from nowhere to nowhere.

But no. Not from nowhere, not to nowhere. No, cars coming coming from homes going home. From work, from visiting family, from vacations. Cars hauling people and their possessions, nick-knacks, things. And it occurs to you, that at this hour of the night, they are probably all going home. All trying their best to not cross the speed limit too much, to not fall asleep behind the wheel, and to not stop for gas and just somehow get home.

Home - what an thing, what a place, what a concept.

You look at the city lights, and it dawns on you that as pretty as they look, each one of those shimmering, twinkling, sometimes struggling lights, is a home. Every single one of those lights is a place where some weary traveler longs to be when he is out on the road. Yes, some of those lights are homes where bad things happen. Kids go to bed hungry, women get punched, yelling kicking screaming fests unfold. Where bones and hearts get broken, and people get hurt. Yes, some of those lights are homes, where bad things happen. And yet people would rather be home. Something about a roof and four walls, that compared to all the troubles of homes, the streets are filthier still.

And the night is not so good anymore, is it? This thought about homes has ruined it for you. All those things about this night that you were not just comfortable with, but were positively enjoying moments before, are not so beautiful anymore. The night is cold, the air damp, it even smells malicious. This long line of cars below your feet is a reminder of just how far away from home you are. You are a stranger in these parts, an outsider in an alien land, you don't belong.

And that gets you to wondering who in their right minds would come out on to this dark bridge, in the middle of the night, all by themselves.What were you hoping to achieve - getting mugged? That if you had an iota of sense you would have stayed home and not ventured out.

That is how I am feeling right now. Sitting with my laptop, on the verge of finding 500 million friends, I feel alone. All by myself. Lonely... Here at my fingertips are all those social networking sites, where people update statuses, write messages, and keep in touch with each other on a second by second basis. And yes they are not all friendly interactions, all those messages are not pretty or cordial, there is gossip and spite and malice, there is bitchiness and cattiness and all those other mean things that women do to each other in social contexts. And I am sure men have their own pissing contests, but I am not tuned in to those.

So most of the times I feel why bother? Why ever sign into any of those lousy sites? They are the same people, sitting in front of you, passing you on the street, or commenting on your comments. If you don't get each other in person, it ain't gonna happen online either.

But on some days, you would take even that. Because you are that lonely. And that is one depressing thought.

But mine is not the kind of heart that can stay sad too long, and usually it is on nights like these, before I get too blue, that I think of that song - जाने क्या सोच कर नही गुज़रा... वो एक पल रात भर नही गुज़रा.' there is a line in there ... अपनी तन्हाई का शिकवा न किसी से करना, तुम अकेले नही वो सब भी अकेले हैं. ये अकेला सफ़र नही गुज़रा...
and that always makes me smile. Always, and somehow feel less lonely. Because it is true, i may feel lonely sometimes, but I am not alone. I know that there are a whole lot of people out there who probably feel the same way too. So ... whatever.... I need to get over myself, right. :)