last day

i just survived a major car crash. I could have died but i did not. and then came this question am i living like tomorrow could be my last day?

and i think, yes i am. mostly i am.

barring this lil day to day stuff that is never going to be done, i think i am okay. i am at peace with myself and my life. when i was in the car and if i had died the only thing that i think i should have done was to make sure my daughter had a list of emergency numbers on her person, so that if i was dead they could have gotten her home. because that was my biggest worry, if i had died, how would she have gotten home, what if some stranger walked away with her. how would they have found her? but then i tell myself, you can't help none of that once you are dead.

hmm..
oh and i have to make my will.

besides that i guess i am okay. and that thought gives me peace.

does that mean i am ready to die? i don't know. I don't want to die. i want to live. i want to see my kids grow up,a dn go to university. i want to go back to school myself. I want to read books and write them. i want to sit down with my friends and tell them how much i like them. but this is the kind of stuff that never gets done, you can do it over and over and over again and still want to do it.

but i did realize that if given a choice i would much rather die of an illness, that of course does not financially drain out my family, but that still gives me the time to say my good byes, because when i think about it, that is the only thing i wanted to do. i don't want to leave without saying my byes.

there are not even any major apologies left, coz i have made most of them. there is just one person, that i don't think i owe an apology to really, but i want to talk to her, so i already called her, and there is this other person, i really want to tell them something, but i am not sure if they want to hear it and i don't know if it is right to burden someone with information that they are not interested in carrying, that is an active act of himsa, so i am not sure if i want to do that, apart from that... hmmm....

sorry i am just writing as i am thinking and i am not thinking straight so...

you know what the worst thing is? the day of my accident, i left home right after writing this part in my story, where the protagonist dies. she dies in a road accident. i killed her. and then i had an accident. that was what was bothering me all the time. i killed my character and then i had an accident. how crazy is that? some karmic payback? shoot! seriously! can't get over that. should i let her live? i don't know? she was always supposed to die. from the beginning, since i started that story.

yes. i know that is coincidence. it is the human brain, looking for connections making up reasons, i was not wearing my lucky ring, i woke up from this side of the bed, i did not pray to such and such god. the poor helpless brain, always trying to make sense. hmm...

and the one thing that i am glad that i have already been doing again for sometime, ( i had stopped in the middle) is to not give a damn about what other people think. just do what i want to do, coz if i die tomorrow i cannot go around blaming you for not doing what i wanted to do. so if you have a problem with what i want to do, then well, sorry, but that is your problem, you deal with it.

i am as much a child of this universe as the sun and the stars, and i have as much a right to be here as you do, my thought is as valid as yours and i am not going to make myself smaller just to fit your ideas of my place in life.

and i am very glad for this blog, once i die, my kids can read this and know what their mom was like. i wish my parents had kept a log, i would have liked to get to know them better.

oh and for the record, yes, i am glad to be alive. very very glad.

besides it was not my fault, the other person ran the red light. no that would not be a consolation if i had died, but ... you know what, i am sorry that is a big consolation. even in death - we keep scores. :)