The thing that no one tells you

about growing older is that you don't actually feel older.

Inside, you are still the same. You feel old enough at twenty, and that is where you probably stay the rest of your life. Yes, here and there you feel jaded and tired and think that is what it means to be older, but not really. Your perception of how old you are, remains constant. It is the outer signs that change, people's expectations from your behaviour perhaps, that makes you think you must act a certain way to fit your particular age.

Sometimes, i still get surprised that i am 33 and have my own home and kids and i manage them all fine, all by myself. Because sometimes i cannot distinguish my 33 old self from the 20 year old me, who was a girl in her parents house and whose only concern in the world was to make sure that her mom does not catch her chatting on the phone when she was supposed to be studying.

Now, when my mom is visiting I am still scared of her catching me on the phone when i was supposed to be doing something else, or reading a book when she thinks I should be talking to her and not ignoring her. I should have better manners she says, she is a guest here. Guest! what guest? You are not a guest, you are my mom!

live a little

I am eating my breakfast and watching TV, grrr... I hate that, watching TV in the morning that is, but the thing is I did not sleep all night, I woke up at 2 am and then lord... could not go back to sleep this has to do with getting old, because I used to be able to sleep on demand you know, ab dekho, ek baar utth jaao to phir neend nahi aati, was online for a while and then was reading so technically this is evening for me I have been up for ten hours already so watching TV is allowed. No, I am not trying to seek your permission, I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to watch TV with breakfast, it is one of those argh... things in my book.

anyways, I digress, I was saying that I just saw this song on TV an old one Saathiya ye tune kya kiya... Salman Khan- Revathy one, and boy is it fresh I loved it, it has put me in a good mood, coz I was grumpy.And I had this thought, I don't know how that is related to the song, but I know that the song triggered this thought, that when we are young, at least girls I don't know about men, but women, when we are younger, we are very restricted, very cautious, extremely careful, we think too much and do too little, that thing about paralysis by analysis that applies to us, that maybe we could have been more carefree, our society breeds this samjhdaar responsible girl stereotype that is horrific I think, they marry us off so young, we never really have a chance to find ourselves. It is sad when you think about it.

Someone I know just ended a 25 year old marriage, she was 22 when she got married, and the thing is i can see why that happened, you know you grow up and you realize, you have no freaking idea how you got here, you were trying to be so mature all your life, you never really had fun, ever.

That's what i want for young girls - my daughter's generation - to go out, make mistakes, take chances, fall in love, get hurt, live and learn, and not think and worry all the time.

अच्छा है दिल के पास रहे पासबान-ऐ-अक्ल
पर कभी कभी इसे तनहा भी छोड़ दे

act your age

has anybody ever asked you to act your age?

no?

hmm.. guess you always do then. good for you. you might not get the rest of it then.

i wonder what that means?

i have been told this over and over again. the surprising thing is it usually is for the same things. you see when i was younger and the world did not make sense and i would question something, or object to a particular method i was told to not meddle in to affairs that were above my brain size, to busy myself with the kid stuff, to act my age. and now that i am a good thirty years old and the same lousy stuff still does not make sense to me and i raise those same objections they tell me to stop acting like a kid, to wake up and realize that this is how the world works, to act my age.

ummm...

right!

i guess i overslept the day they were going to answer all those questions in class. but you would think if it was going to be such a hell lot of an important class they would give a special memo or something, to make sure you attend. you would think, wouldn't you?

that which does not change

When you turn back to look at who you were a few years back, you see that a lot has changed.

That, that has changed is fine, but that which did not change, that is surprising.

Something, in the core of me, is still the same. It wants those same things, it dreams those same dreams, it dreads those same fears, it just does not grow up.

And in a way this is my prize. That all of that heartbreak, the pain, the misery was the price I paid to keep this. that which is mine for ever and ever, that which does not change....

smiley face erasers

i realized today, that i have actually grown up... i was at staples, which just has to be one of my most favourite places to shop. almost. and saw this pack of colored erasers with smiley faces, and i caught my self thinking. who would buy that. what do you care what an eraser looks like.

hahhh! deep breath in. did i really think that? a few years back i would have never thought that. i would have been the one buying those erasers. gosh. i realized i have hardened. or grown up. or something of that sort.

and i wanted to break in to a song hindi film ishtyle : kabhi hum ne nahi socha tha, aisa din bhi aayega, paani me aag lagegi.....

but i did not. looks around for some approval. i realized, that if i did that, it would prove that earlier - having grown up - theory wrong.

seeeeee, what did i tell you? i have grown up.

thirty something

so i am on page 40 something of the stone diaries, and we have the most promising character show up. a 33 year old single male professor of botany. i can see the potential for a story there. i can see the female students sitting in that class and drooling already. which is fine with me, well, it is nauseating actually, but fine, i am okay. okay i am not. you see it is troubling because i cannot get it out of my head what the story would be like if it was a 33 year old single female professor of botany. forget 1916 ( where the story is right now) but even 2008. i know, i know, a lot of the male students will suddenly decide that botany is actually a very interesting subject and show up to class on time, but.

see i cannot shake the feeling that life somehow is much better for a thirty something single man, than it is for a thirty something single woman, and it doesn't help your being brown.

and i don't like that. i don't suppose there is a lot i can do about it, but i am not happy about this. not that i expect that to matter much either. still...

oh and lets not even bring up what life is like for thirty something married brown women. we, are not supposed to want to have a life. we are to live through proxy. we are to take pride in our husband's career ascents, joy in our children's growing vocabulary, and find solace in endless loads of dirty laundry.

which reminds me... i should go and do my laundry. later.