dulhan

छोड़ चली जब दुल्हन घर को

उस तुलसी, ड्योढी, और आँगन को

ले कर अपने संग चली वो

माँ के अरमानों का सदका

और

किसी की

गाज भरी आँखों का सजदा

salam-e-ishq

i love salam-e-ishq songs. they have this eighties bonhomie, cheer, and just an all over happy happy feel to them. its hard not to like them.

i love the poetry of
niklun main fati jeans pehen ke
shirt ke na kuch hosh button ke
bajate hain sab sur dhadkan ke
:D
dil kya kareeeee

and i love blasting off, and singing along to na re sainyan ko chod ke na ja, and meraa dil dil meraaaa ishq me, ab teraaaaa ho gayaa :D

i do like the tennu le ke main javanaga, dil de ke main javanaga. which does not really make a whole lot of sense if you think about it, i mean jab le hi jayega to dil kisko de ke jayega bete? par koi baat nahi, aise time me dimag to chalta nahi na logon ka.

i love the salam-e-ishq, ishq,ishq. its just way too much fun. i love that part about jaan se bhi pyaari pyaari janiya ko salaam... its the kind of thing someone in ral life might say. shabd nahi na milte, to kuch bhi abdam gabdam shabd bol do, kaun dimaag laga ke sun raha hai...sohni sohni, teri sohni har ada ko salaam.

keh na paaoon main jo tumko

कह ना पाऊँ मैं जो तुमको
मैं कहूँ जों तुम न समझो
देखो भी और आगे भी चल दो
दिल जले क्या सावन तरसे
राख उडे कुछ आँगन बरसे
भीगे तकिये का कोना कोई
खाब गिरे इक आँसू बन के

infomercials

i love watching infomercials. i love the oh wait there is more and the not 50 not 40 not even 30 dollars, you can have it for only 29 dollars!!! whoaaaaaaaa.

what?

i love them.

it makes me want to buy all that stuff too.

go ahead, judge me.

fine. you are the smart one. i am the five year old who falls for that 'the best tv offer ever ' gimmick.

:D

why i am an atheist.

i do not believe in a god that interferes in this world. i do not believe in a god that answers your prayers. i do not believe in a god that cares about what happens to you.

when people say they believe in god they go around defining god in their own words. they say god is your inner voice, god is some intangible higher power they feel exists, god is the light that helps them in their darkest hour.

i dislike having to define each word as you speak. i understand it must be done every so often and i do. only when it comes to god, i think that even though people go around defining their own particular ideas of god in private, by publicly siding with the believers, they do condone the collective idea of god as an omnipresent, omnipotent, supernatural being - who meddles in their personal affairs, who can cure them, can find misplaced rings, help them pass exams, find jobs or manifest his wrath in other such mundane ways.

and i do not believe in such a god.

therefore i am an atheist.

i refuse to define my idea of god, because that is an oxymoron. it is like saying, oh what you call iso-propane, well i don't have that, i actually have benzene, but that is my iso-propane. so we can all call it iso-propane, but we all are actually talking about different compounds. seriously. does that make any sense to you? it doesn't to me. if we all do not believe in the same thing then we should not call them all by the same name.

you may think this is trivial, but some people do. some people do believe in that kind of a god, the one who meddles in human affairs, the one who keeps track of their daily activities and the one they go around killing others for. and if you do not believe in their god then you must say so, you can not be silent and laugh at your own private joke on the world.

I cannot let the richard dawkins of the world deter me. you do not have to be an obnoxious, egotistical maniac with delusions of grandeur to be an atheist. there is room for calm, honest, rational objection. so, there, as my most reasonable self - i am an atheist.

aaoge jab tumo

i really like this song for its lyrics, they paint a picture so complete.
आओगे जब तुमो साजना
अंगना फूल खिलेंगे
बरसेगा सवान झूम झूम के
दो दिल ऐसे मिलेंगे

चंदा को ताकूँ रातों में
है ज़िन्दगी तेरे हाथों में
पलकों पे झिल मिल तारे है
आना भरी बरसतो में

नैना तेरे कजरारे हैं
नैनो पे हम दिल हारे है
अनजाने तेरे इन नैनो ने
वादे किये कई सारे हैं

:)

i like the word anjaane in there, i guess it would lose the punch without that. that idea of a promise you made unknowingly, a promise that someone now expects you to keep, a promise that legally is a null and void contract, but... but... yeah, the buts will kill you - if you let them that is। :) whatever! it is still your fault anjaane tere in naino ne, vaade kiye kai saare hain....

a sum of parts

long long back i remember om puri saying this in a movie - no idea which one- nasha sharab me nahi khoon me hai saaki, sharab me hota to botal na jhoom jaati?

:)

i thought that was an acute observation.

alcohol by itself is a good solvent, flammable, but benign. blood on its own is quite sane, sometimes hot headed and ready to boil, but still under control. it is the two together, the mix - that is intoxicating.

sometimes the whole is not just a sum of its parts, it is more, beyond that, far greater. something entirely new and different.

it's like love. when two people come together.

when others look at her they don't see what makes his heart stop.

when others look at him they don't see what drives her to the verge of insanity and back.

they don't see why she has to look away, and why he has to pretend like nothing happened, they don't see why these poor things try so hard to hide the sparks that no one else can see in the first place.

to everyone else they are both quite boring.

but to them, when they are together, life is exciting, they are the stars of their own stories.

it is not the kind of thing you could explain to someone, it does not add up to others - because it is the kind of thing that is not entirely the sum of its parts.

ik pardesi mera dil

i love this song.
ik pardesi mera dil le gaya, jaate jaate meetha meetha gam de gaya....

its this weird thing, its fun, its bubbly and yet it is somehow sad. i have a very hard time saying why this feels like a sad song to me, inspite of its upbeat tone. the crazy thing is even that bit about - mere pardesia ki yehi hai nisani, akhiyan billaur ki seese ki jawani - i find sad, ab matlab isme to koi dukh ki baat nahi hai, par... and the thing is it is not the kind of sad that makes you want to cry or something, its the kind of sad that makes you smile and sing and dance, just walk around with this gay happy expression while carrying a core of sadness inside you. shoot, i love this song.

am mad

right now, i am mad at myself for two reasons

a) i am singing this stupid song that i want to stop singing, i am stuck on it and its not getting out of my head. vahi ... na jaane kyon main bekarar.... whatever... baitha hoon us raah me jo teri manzil nahi...
and
b) and this is even worse, i am sympathizing with this loon standing and waiting in this place which is not going to help him at all. i am mad at myself for understanding where he is coming from. i don't want to see his point of view. i want to be able to tell him that he is an idiot, that this is a bad idea, that he needs to stop and smell the roses. that he needs to wake up and realize the impotence of it all. and i am mad because i cannot bring myself to say all of this. duh. i just did. but, my heart was not in it.

you see, somewhere along the line, i am feeling bad for the lout. i can see how it is possible to get stuck in the rut of waiting for someone who never even promised to see you in the first place. they never said they were going to show up and if they did they never really meant it. it was a cursory phir milenge. it was not the promise that you made those black lines on the wall and scratched off your days for.

you see you have not been conciously stood up either. how pathetic is that? it took them no effort to cause you all of this pain. they were not even trying to be mean. they just simply forgot about your existance, they cannot even dream that that thing actually meant something to you, that you actually believed that they were going to show up. moorkh! aur tum se zyada main moorkh, jisko samjh nahi aa raha ki tumhari moorkhta par hasun ya phoot phoot kar rovoon?

theek hai bhai, tujhe jo karna hai tu kar, mujhe mat bata please. mera blood pressure high mat kar. please.

the charge of the light brigade

Lord Tennyson's the charge of the light brigade I love this poem, i am not sure when i read this for the first time, somewhere around grade 5 ... its one of those very few english poems that can elicit an emotional response from me, i am very susceptible to hindi poetry but ... english poems some how... elude me :D Half a league, half a league, Half a league onward, All in the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. "Forward, the Light Brigade! "Charge for the guns!" he said: Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. 2. "Forward, the Light Brigade!" Was there a man dismay'd? Not tho' the soldier knew Someone had blunder'd: Their's not to make reply, Their's not to reason why, Their's but to do and die: Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. 3. Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon in front of them Volley'd and thunder'd; Storm'd at with shot and shell, Boldly they rode and well, Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of Hell Rode the six hundred. 4. Flash'd all their sabres bare, Flash'd as they turn'd in air, Sabring the gunners there, Charging an army, while All the world wonder'd: Plunged in the battery-smoke Right thro' the line they broke; Cossack and Russian Reel'd from the sabre stroke Shatter'd and sunder'd. Then they rode back, but not Not the six hundred. 5. Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon behind them Volley'd and thunder'd; Storm'd at with shot and shell, While horse and hero fell, They that had fought so well Came thro' the jaws of Death Back from the mouth of Hell, All that was left of them, Left of six hundred. 6. When can their glory fade? O the wild charge they made! All the world wondered. Honor the charge they made, Honor the Light Brigade, Noble six hundred.

tu husn hai main ishq hoon

i remember this definite period in third sem, when i was smitten and i mean smitten by hamraaz songs. its like you have heard something all your life and then out of the blue you listen to it again and you go, wow that was amazing. and then you sit and wonder how come you never noticed that before. that is a lot like what happened to me with hamraaz songs, particularly the
tu husn hai main ishq hoon tu mujh me hai main tujhme hoon,
main isse zyada kya kahoon tu mujh me hai main tujhme hoon

and specifically by these lines, the way they are sung, written , all of it
kahaan saleeeeeeeeem ka rutba, kahan aanrkali
ye aisi shaakh-e-tammana hai jo kabhi na phali
na bujh sakegi bujhane se ahel-e-duniya ke
vo shamma jo teri aankhon se mere dil me jali
:D

and then this one part
huzoor ek na ek din to ye baat aayegi
ke takht -o-taaj bhalen hain, ki ik kaneez bhali?

and then the response, which only the very young, the very naive, or the die hard romantics can find romantic
main takht-o-taaj ko thukra kar, tujhko le loonga,
ke takht-o-taaj se teri gali ki khaak bhali...

right! if you insist.

what do you care what other people think?

thats the title of a book by Mr. Feynman (there that shows how much i care about him, i actually took the trouble to capitalize the first letters! ), but seriously, what do you care? do you care?

i hear all sorts of people telling each other "oh! i don't care what other people think." aksar vo kehten hain vo bas mere hain, aksar kyon kehte hain, hairat hoti hai. :D

its like they are trying so hard to convince themselves. i know because i was one of those people, i am not, anymore. i aceept that i do care about what other people think. and i feel the accpetance empowers me, not them. by accepting their power, i take away a part of it. i care about what they think, but i am not going to let them dissuade me from my chosen path, i am still going to do what i think i must do, but i will still regret that they do not understand, some more than others, based on how much i care about them, what they mean to me.

some of them, i wish i could make them think differently, but i do not control their thoughts, i cannot even control my own feelings of hurt, but i can control my reactions to that hurt and if i cannot then i will die trying.

main tere ishq me

i don't think i ever paid attention to this song too much, only tonight as i was driving home i had an exceptionally blank mind and i ended up listening to it.
main tere ishq me mar na jaoon kahin tu mujhe aazmaane ki koshish na kar...
so, i wouldn't say i missed something over the years or anything, the lyrics are fine, but i must say i liked this particular line
yaad beshaq na kar tu mujhe gham nahi
han, magar bhool jaane ki koshish na kar
i don't know why, but that says something to me. i get it. i sort of understand where she is coming from, that if he tries to forget her, that is an active rejection, its not the general, i got so busy with my life i never really thought of you, its like yeah you were that bad, i wanted to forget you.

wait, actually, i am re-thinking this now. may be it is a good thing that he is trying to forget her, she at least had that sort of an impact. to merit an effort ...

ah! i don't know i am too tired and its way too late... gnite.

accidents

the other morning i spoke to three different people and heard three different pieces of bad news. all what most people would call accidents, all happening to people who at a first glance you would say are innocent. even upon a closer examination i cannot happen to think of anything most other reasonable people would have done differently. essentially, what happened to them could have happened to just about any other careful person in the same situation. it is a matter of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. what do you call that? bad luck ? destiny? some hidden agenda in someone's grand plan?

not that you have to call it something. you can choose to shudder and say please i do not want to think about these things and be done with that. or, you might want to make sense of it. if you do, how do you do this sense making? an attempt of making sense assumes that there is something to be made sense of. is there?

at the heart of every one of such scenarios is that age old question, is this universe probable or is it causal? everything that happens to you - both the good and the bad - is it a matter of chance or is there a cause and effect relationship to your life's events? and even worse, which one would you like it to be? what puts your mind more at ease?

don't most of us flit between the two constantly? when bad things happen to good people we want to believe it is an unlucky coincidence, a mishap, the cosmic dice falling on the wrong square. on the other hand when our efforts come to fruition we offer that as a proof of causality - hard work pays off or some such other cliche.

an accident by definition is any event that happens unexpectedly, without a deliberate plan or cause. does anything meet that criterion?

a part of a bridge falls on the highway below and an unfortunate woman who happened to be driving underneath, dies.

a small poisonous snake hiding in the bhindi container at a grocery store bites a woman, she thinks she pricked her hand, dies by the time she reaches her car in the parking lot.

a passenger sitting next to a young man on a bus beheads him at no known provocation, no relationship was ever found between the two.

each one of the scenarios above are not completely accidental now are they? well i admit they are accidental to the victims. there is no way the lady driving on the highway could have reasonably known about the state of the bridge, but someone should have. she must have assumed that someone out there was taking care of that bridge and would know to stop traffic when it became structurally unstable. don't we all make that assumption when we get out of our homes? what is the alternative? we cannot go around inspecting every road every bridge for ourselves, we would never get anywhere that way. but in the larger scheme of things, can you reasonably believe that the bridge was perfectly safe one moment and as if on a whim decided to break down the next? no. at least i cannot. there had to have been a slow degradation, a gradual cessation of mechanical functions. someone out there did not do their job. it is not completely an accident then, is it?

yes, i have already conceded, you could argue that to the victim it was, an accident.

its like to the electron the world is probable, but to this table it is causal. that is my trouble with quantum mechanics, how does a probable microcosm create a causal macrocosm? or does it? wait, i digress. i can write a whole book on my troubles with quantum, but then, who cannot? ahha! moving right along...

so then, what is our world view? even though there is a cause and effect relationship to most events, sometimes from an individual's perspective things could happen - as if out of the blue.

and then we come to the even harder question. what do you do when you are at the receiving end of these unpleasant surprises? what are your options?

a) you can try to ignore everything and try to go back living like nothing ever happened. sounds silly? but that's what people tell you to do. when someone dies, when you lose something important, when someone takes away what should have rightfully been yours. they tell you, you have to move on. don't they?

b) the other equally bad choice you have is to let it change your view of the world completely. you lose all faith, you cannot bring yourself to believe that anything is certain, in your head its all up for grabs. as far as you are concerned you are not sure if the sun's gonna rise tomorrow.

in my personal opinion ( i have walked through both of those doors) they are both equally bad choices. of course something happened, you won't be doing anybody any favors by denying that, but that is not the only thing that happened. a lot else is happening too. some of it is predictable and some is not. to be able to distinguish, what is and what is not, well, that's the pain now. isn't it? that's the stuff that gives you migranes.

and because it is intellectually overwhelming, we sometimes choose not to think of it. we run to god or some times run away from him. when really bad things happen to good people some of us become devout, we pray in some ulterior hope, please do not let this happen to me, or we become atheists, why i should i pray, if this is what you do to good people, what are you going to do to me. go ahead, take your best shot, see if i care.

emotionally, i have been everywhere. i have turned to god and turned away from him, based on external factors.

intellectually, i see the fallacy of it.

it exhibits the weakness of my faith, or the lack of it. any idea of god in my head that is not based on a sound grasp of the underlying principles, is useless. it is a broken compass at the mercy of the winds and is not the tool to carry around haplessly trying to find your way in life. accidents or no accidents.

pal

पल.
पल पल गुज़रते पल
तस्वीरों में कैद
पुतलियों में बंद
एक ज़माने से वहीं ठहरे पल
इस शहर की भीड़ में
पलकों के बंद होते ही
एक पल में गुज़रते हैं
कितने बीते पल

सफ़ेद धुएँ से बादल
रुई के गोले
या धुंद की चादर
सफेदे के पडों से हो कर आतीं
तेज़ गीली हवाएं
बालों से खेलतीं
आँचल को थपथपापतीं
चेहरे पर ठेहरतीं युं
की सीधे दिल से गुज़रतीं हों निगाहँए
खुशबू
ताज़ा कटी घास की
या
ठहरे हुए पानी की बॉस सी
उस एक साँस को सदियों तक न छोड़ने की ख्वाहिश
इस शहर के धुएँ में
पलकों के बंद होते ही
एक पल में गुज़रते हैं
कितने
बीते
पल

money and its uses

i love this quote: if you think money cannot buy happiness you don't know where to go shopping. its funny.

on a serious note, people like to say that money cannot buy happiness. well, i say define happiness. if happiness is a one carat diamond ring, then guess what, money CAN buy it. there are things that money can buy and those that it cannot, but i see that as no reason to diss money.

it is like complaining that your pair of scissiors does not write. well, it is not the tool to write, so it is not a flaw, get yourself a pen.

himadri tung shrung se

I love these lines, if i am not wrong they are by shri jayshankar prasad

हिमाद्री तुंग श्रुंग से प्रबुद्ध शुद्ध भारती
स्वयं प्रभा स्मुज्वला स्वतन्त्रता पुकारती
अमृत्य वीर पुत्र हो द्र्ढ प्रतिज्ञ सोच लो
प्रशस्त्र पुण्य पंथ है बढे चलो बढे चलो

असंख्य कीर्ति-रश्मियाँ विकीर्ण दिव्य दाह-सी
सपूत मातृभूमि के रुको न शूर साहसी
अराति सैन्य सिंधु में, सुबाड़वाग्नि से जलो
प्रवीर हो जयी बनो - बढ़े चलो बढ़े चलो

Rudyard Kipling's IF

Here is Rudyard Kipling's IF. it was a poster in my room when i was in university.. I was in grade eight when my mom or my nanaji, one of the two, asked me to read it for the first time. amazing how you forget the details.but i never forgot the poem. i read it to my kids atleast once in a semester. to this day i go through the poem as a checklist, can i do this, how bout that, a measure of what i have learned and what i need to work on. to remind me of the growing up i need to do still.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, -- (yes I can)
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too, (I do, both actually.)
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, ( i do have infinite patience for the right stuff)
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, (why would anyone lie about me :) )
Or being hated, don't give way to hating, (that's a hard one, but yeah i guess i manage okay)
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: (ooooh, that's a hard one!)
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master, (ahhhhh.....na, not yet)
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim; (ok, am trying to get there)
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same; (hmm... again hard to not be happy when good things happen, i can try and not be too sad with the bad stuff, but... so... yeah.... working on it.)
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, (ouch! painful!)
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, ( yes i have)
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: ( well.... do i have a choice? )
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, ( been there, done that, gambling is a high like nothing else, and gambling your life away, woo hooo ;) )
And lose, ( oooh yes, i did)
and start again at your beginnings (now i can't see why in the world should i bother, but as i saud earlier, do i really have a choice? i have to don't i? )
And never breath a word about your loss; ( okay, no. i need to learn that. am i failing royally or what? )
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone, ( yes, i can)
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" ( to the point of ridiculousness ! i can. )
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, (ummm hmm)
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch, (yeah that's not going anywhere)
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; ( oh they both can! and pretty bad too)
If all men count with you, (yes they do)
but none too much, (unfortunately some do, way too much, much more than they deserve to )
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, ( am trying to)
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son! (right!! not yet sir! )
--Rudyard Kipling

what cannot be cured

i agree with this idea of what cannot be cured must be endured, completely. only i think if you are going to endure it you might as well enjoy it, because it is in very bad taste to endure something and let the effort show. that is no endurance. that is just you displaying your martyr complex, which is useless to those around you and decidedly harmful to the well being and growth of your own soul.

i am not saying endurance is easy, but you can teach yourself to endure well, with a smile, like it is not even an issue. i am speaking from experience. i have taught myself to endure driving in traffic jams, cooking, and watching stupid govinda movies.

no one likes to be struck in a traffic jam. i would say my husband was the inspiration for that. this man, who is the epitome of sanity, patience, and decorum in my book, is trasformed into a wholly unrecognizable individual. he is constantly figeting, changing lanes, and just so out of it that you don't want to be in the same car as him. no he is not yelling or swearing or anything, he is too much of a gentleman to do that, just in a bad mood, completely irritated, and distracted. which to me, is senseless - because there is nothing you can do about it.

i have taught myself to enjoy traffic jams. unless i am horribly late, in a particularly bad mood, or have one of my ear splitting migranes -in which case i confess, i do, sometimes, take out my frustration and use up my limited vocabulary of bad words on the other drivers- i refuse to let traffic jams bother me. i know i accpet i cannot do anything about them, so i enjoy them. this is my time to relax, think, and most of all to sing songs loudly, off key and no one can object. :D what's not to love? if you can plan ahead, leave in time, factoring in the jam, trust me you can actually learn to look forward to them. sound crazy? sure. no, you are right. it is much more saner to hurl obscenities at strangers who are as helpless as you are. that's your story. you stick to it.

no , i am not saying i have mastered the principle of shutting up when no one wants to hear you, i am saying i am beginning to learn. and in some aspects i actually have figured out how to not let somethings bother me, and then to actually take pleasure in them. so, if any of this smacks of arrogance, then i need to learn to write better, but i am saying this with a complete awareness of all my other flaws.

what i am now trying to do is to teach myself to endure sitting in a jam, with other people who are getting antsy, they get on my nerves, but i am working on it.

writing ouside your sphere of experience

the best definition of poetry i have ever heard came from Dr. Harivansh Rai Bachhan ( what a surprise, an HRB fan saying that :) ) so anyways, he says if i have a headache and i write a poem and then you read it and now you have a headache. that is a poem. how eloquent is that, and how infinitely hard a goal to meet.

but then, what if i don't have a headache, but i still want to describe a headache, and i do it, and i do it so well that you get a headache, well how great is that ? hmm... i know, besides the obvious sadistic implications of the kind of person i am who would want to give you a headache for no good reason, think about it. is it possible?

can i write from a point of view that is not mine and still make it convincing enough?

will it be authentic?

yes, i think it can be done in theory. why ? here is my logic : you know that javed akhtar person, he writes these amazing songs from women's perspective, how does he do that? or gulzar , i mean they have to be writing stuff beyond their own first hand experiences. and they are very good at it too. not to forget that HRB the great wrote madushala, this pioneering groundbreaking work in hindi literature on the perils of wine drinking, serving, and its effects. the intricacies of our society's relationship with drinking, the hypocricy of it, all of which was up untill then supposed to be found only in the anals of urdu shayari, the thing is he did not even drink wine :) there, isn't that a good point. so i know it can be done. what needs to be seen is, can i do it? and therein - as the bard would say - lies the rub.

jeevan unka nahi yudhishthir

i have no idea which poem this belongs to but i love these lines

जीवन उनका नही युधिष्ठिर
जों जीवन से डरते हैं
यह उनका जों चरण रोप कर
निर्भय हो कर लड़ते हैं

veer zaara

i feel like telling this story.
i was driving to work, years back, and i put on the hindi radio, i never put on the hindi radio since it is only full of jingles - rice on sale, oil on sale and voila daal on sale - yay! now we can all party.

so anyways, i put the hindi radio on and this song floated out. dharti sunehri ambar neela, har mausam rangeelaaaa, aisa des hai mera. and right away i fell in love with it, i was dancing in the car, singing along and totally having a ball. by the time i reached the school, the song ended. and to my utter dismay they did not announce the name of the movie, instead they went on an on about dal atta and chawal. what is a girl gotta do? you have to go to work.

but, the song stayed in my head, like a white noise, in the background, but naggingly - very obviously there. i could not remember the right combination of words, i could not decide who was singing it, it sounded like udit narayan but wasn't not sure, the punjabi bits were too authentic for him to be able to pull off. what was it..... after a sufficient amount of time had passed and i stopped thinking about the song, almost, one of my students out of the blue said to me Ms.B you should listen to veer zaara songs, you will like them. and in my innocence i asked her what veer zaara was? bad move. she gave me the look teenagers reserve for their parents and teachers - the one that says "i do not get how you survive being this clueless" - so i backed off and did not question her any further. that night i found veer zaara on smash hits and i found aisa des hai mera and the rest as they say is history.

i heard it a million times in the next week... and a gazillion the week after.

and then i just fell hook line and sinker for all the other songs, and then i watched the movie and i fell for it so hard i bruised all over. it hurt for weeks.

the main yahan hoon yahan hoon yahan;i loved shahrukh khan and the lyrics equally. which is saying a lot, for the both of them. especially the part - tum bhula na sakogi vo andaaz hoon, tum chupa na sakogi main vo raaz hoon, goonjta hoon jo dil me to hairan kyon ho, main tumhare hi dil ki to awaaz hoon... sun sako to suno, dhadkano ki zubaan, main yahan hoon yahan hoon yahan hoon yahan... or that song at the mazaar, aaya tere dar par deevana, pahuncha ye kis mod par afsaana. that has been very well sung. but i am a sucker for sufi songs in anycase so my saying it is great probably does not mean a lot.

i just loved that part when she sees him and runs to him, even though i think it is unimaginable for any girl to be able to do that, not the ones i know atleast. so... that's what movies are - a bit unrealistic.

but then the next time they meet, that scene in the haveli, i thought that was the most authentic scene of the movie, when she is walking towards him, his back is turned to her, and then he hears her and turns to look, and she falters, her foot slips, like the impact of his gaze is a physical force that can stumble her, stop her in her tracks. every time i watch that scene, i think is a moment of directorial genius. and i think shahrukh is at his best in the scene that follows, when she apologizes for her behavior at the mazaar and he smiles, awwww....

oh and i loved hema malini and amitabh bachhan in the movie i loved her over the top yelling "arre o chaudhary sumer singh!!! marna hai to izzat se bistar me let ke maro, ye kya potyan di umer de bachhayan de naal gilli danda khel ke mar rahe ho". and his going "main jad vi koi important kamm kar reha hunda han na, eh picchon waaz maar dendi hai". they are cute together. i think my husband and i are going to be like that, we are totally headed that way and we both loved bauji and mati in the movie.
what else?
well i love the hum to bhai jaise hain vaise rahenge song, the lodi one too, mostly for the gurdaas maan voice and the kuch mangaaoon yaad tumko reh nahi paaye... meri bhi yehi problem hai, kuch mangaaoon, yaad inko reh nahi paaye. what did i tell you, we are so headed the bauji mati way.

tum bhi naseeb apna

vo gana tha na kuch aise
tum apne haathon ki lakeeron me mujhko basa lo
tum bhiiiiiiiii naseeb apna ab humko bana lo
which one is it? kis picture ka hai?

i just love the way it goes high on bhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, now if i can find it.

the most romantic movie titles of all times

here is a list of movie titles that i think are just yumm... it has nothing to do with whether or not the movie is any good, there is no correlation between the two. you could have a beautiful movie with a title that is an insult and a horrible movie with a poetic title, the one does not affect the other. so keep that in mind as you read the list below, i am raving about the titles not the movies :) and i am going to keep adding to them so...

When a man loves a woman. it is so beautiful. its almost spiritual. like all rules cease to apply, you enter a singularity in space and time when - a man loves a woman :)

you've got mail. come on now, we have all been there, waiting for those mails. if you have not, well you will eventually be there, one day, and then you will understand the power and magic of those words - you've got mail.

when harry met sally. almost inspite of yourself you end up asking, and? what happened then?

Sleepless in seattle. for a city that's so high on coffee, what else did you expect - anorexics and insomniacs. duhh.. but sleepless sounds better, way better. (hold on now i am not that die hard of a meg ryan fan but, ouch.... i am not making a good case for myself now, am i ? )
hum aapke hain kaun? i guess the way you say something, the tone of your voice, the feeling behind it, and most importantly the timing of your saying it, is what creates the magic.
woh saat din. makes me go, kaunse, kause saat din, hamen bhi batao, humen bhi dilao bhai, vo saat din.
bin phere hum tere. well....corny but sweet.

obsessions, infatuations and unrequited love.

i am watching tere naam right now, and i have been thinking about obsessions, crushes, and infatuations. about love - mutual, platonic, or unrequited.

hindi movies are not the place to learn about love, or any of this stuff. they are crazy. they can make stalking look cool, or abusive, chauvinistic, sexist comments sound flirtatious. see they can make you want stuff that you would never in your right minds want.

so lets keep all hindi movies aside and then think about this.

what is the difference?

is the difference in the feeling, the intensity of the emotion, or the sanity of your actions? and who defines sane in any case? Can the duration of time a feeling lasts, define it?

infatuation, i am thinking this would be the easiest one to tackle, so let's start here. infatuation or a crush. something triggers it. it could be it is the first time you are seeing this person - the myth of love at first sight, or you could have known them all your life, and yet they do something different on this day. it could be a smile, a particular way of saying something, a gesture. i insist that there is a trigger, because if you look back i am sure you can pin point that exact moment in time before which you were not infatuated and then when you were. unless you have a really bad memory and now have no freaking idea of what happened when. :D its ok. you were preoccupied. happens.

usually, by general agreement, infatuations are not supposed to last too long. but that is what bothers me. who defines too long? two weeks? two months? two years? when do you say that an infatuation has turned in to an obsession?

obsessions, by the aforementioned general agreement seem to carry a negative connotation. they are some how deemed to be harmful. to yourself and to others. right. i guess it is not healthy to obsess about someone for ten years and still not have the guts to tell them. i see that. and also because obsessive behaviour usually leads to other destructive actions.

but what if you are not harming them, not stalking them, not concocting weird love potions, or doing any such thing that infringes on their daily life. nothing. you are happy to not even exist in their observable universe, you merely make them the centre of yours. what is so wrong in that? sorry, i don't get it. how is that really so different from an infatuation? an infatuation is a mere passing interest, a child looking through a shop window going 'i want that', and then moving on to the next colorful object with the same 'i want that'. as opposed to ' i want that' and then i never could bring myself to want anything else, ever again.

why is that so bad? or is there some deeper, darker, difference? something other than longetevity?

and when does an obsession enter that haloed realm of true but unrequited love? because if i get it right, popular culture denotes the that to be some pure, heavenly, sacred thing. doesn't it? how do you differentiate between the feeling that drives each of these? who gets to label these things?

it doesnot even have to be a person, it could be a thing you covet, or something you wanted to do. what if there was an idea in your head that for some reason you did not follow up on, life changed and you were somehow still stuck on it. you have not been able to get it out, all this while. how do you know if you should listen to the voice of reason telling you to move on or to that mysical - follow your bliss mumbo jumbo? this is what you want, this is what drives you, go get it philosophy.

your inaction, your not going and getting it, is it because you are being rational or is it because you are just too chicken, a coward dawning the garb of reason?

other people do not really care what your motivations are, they are just bothered about your actions,and how those in turn affect their own lives. but you need to solve this for your self. you need to figure out, what drvies you? what your inherent motivations are? what is the stuff you are made of? who are you - the coward or the priest offering sacrifices at reason's altar?

oh you hate both those words now don't you? anyways, what troubles me is, how would you distinguish between the two? its a qualitative analysis problem. what test would give two different observable results?

hum yaad karten hain

i like this song, the rest of the lyrics are not that great, but the starting is nice
kahan ho tum
zara awaaz do
hum yaad karten hain

it sounds very royal, regale, just short of an order. bilkul haq se koi kahe, ki, dhyan kidhar rehta hai tumhara, kis kis chakkar me pad jaate ho, ab ho gaya ho sab kuch, to zara awaaz do, hum yaad karten hain.



Movie: Malhaar (1951)
Singers: Lata Mangeshkar and Mukesh

ghar hamara jo na rote bhi

so here is one of mirza ghalib's poems that i like

ghar hamaaraa jo nah rote bhii to viiraa;N hotaa ba;hr gar ba;hr nah hotaa to bayaabaa;N hotaa
my home would have been deserted even if i did not cry, if the sea was not a sea it would be a desert.

tangii-e dil kaa gilah kyaa yih vuh kaafir dil hai kih agar tang nah hotaa to pareshaa;N hotaa

why should i lament my tormented heart, because it is that kind of a heart that it would have been anxious had it not been in torment :)
tang == in trouble and constricted
pareshaan == in trouble and expanded

ba((d-e yak ((umr-e vara(( baar to detaa baare kaash ri.zvaa;N hii dar-e yaar kaa darbaa;N hotaa

after a life time atleast he would have let me enter, if only rizva (the gaurd to heaven) were the gaurd to my lover's door.

choo lete ho taar jo man ke

there is this song that has been at the back of my head for a few days now, nagging, irritating, never going away. and for the life of me i cannot remember the rest of the words. :(

so help me. please.
it goes like
choo lete ho taar jo man ke
tum hi batao ....jaan-o-dil koi kyon na haare?

to err is human to forgive is divine

i don't know what that means. it rests very much on your definition of the words human and divine, i suppose.

i have personally always felt that forgiveness is an entirely human construct. there is no concept of forgiveness in nature. if you ingest potassium cyanide by mistake it will not take pity, dismiss your error and let the mitochondria in your cells function just because you did not mean to do it. it was a mistake after all.

look around, from the atomic to the astronomical scales, this idea of benevolence, charity, and mercy exists only in the human mind.

vo saath chalna zid thi meri

vo saath chalna zid thi meri
us ne kab mujhko pukaara tha
mere vahm ka khel tha sara
kahan chahiye usko sahara tha
phir toote sapno ka dard ho
ki uske hasne ki jalan
maine khud is aag ko lagaya hai
usme kahan ye dam tha

maine banaya tha
mujh hi ko todna hoga
in haathon se buna
ab taar taar kholna hoga
mujhe mere sapno ne chala hai
uske jaadu me kahan ye dank tha.

jeevan ka gaan kiya

i love this HRB poem, this is the standard disclaimer, i write them from memory so forgive my mistakes.

maine jeevan dekha jeevan ka gaan kiya

vo pat le aayee
boli ek tarf
jeevan usha ki laal kiran
ugta taruvar
behta paani
kharchonch daba kar udta panchi
choota amber ko dharti ka aanchal dhaani
aur doosri taraf
hai maut
marusthal ki sandhya me rakh
dhuen me dhasa hua kankal pada
maine jeevan dekha
jeevan ka gaan kiya

main kabhi kahin par safar khatm kar dene ko taiyaar sada tha
is me bhi thi kya mushkil
chalna hi jiska kaam raha ho jeevan me
har ek kadam par hai uski manzil
jo kal par kaam utthata ho
vo pachtaye
maine kal par kab aaj bhala balidaan kiya
maine jeevan dekha
jeevan ka gaan kiya

kaali
kaale keshon me kala kamal sajaye
chupke chupke aayee
main ujle mukh
ujle vastron me baitha tha sustane ko
path par thi ujyali chaayi
tum kaun
maut
main jeene ki hi jog jugat me laga raha
boli swagat ka mere tune sab se achha saaman kiya
maine jeevan dekha
jeevan ka gaan kiya

ab ke phir

अब के फिर भीतर कुछ टूट गया
इक सिरा डोर का छूट गया
नम होती आंखों को रोक नहीं पायी मैं।