Romantic

The dictionary defines the word as fanciful; unpractical; unrealistic.

oh damn! that's me! the hopeless romantic~ and now i am depressed, my own fault i guess, who goes around reading the dictionary for no reason.

do i sabotage myself?

6 January 2011

There is snow falling out of the window I am sitting in this kids play area slightly depressed. I am not entirely sure why I am depressed, or perhaps I am but want to ignore the reason, thinking that if I look at the reason it might be hard to ignore this feeling down business, which is weird because haven’t we been told enough number of times that staring a problem in the face makes it go away. Or is it possible that we do not stare in the face for precisely that reason we do not wish for it to go away the problem is familiar, we know how to act around it and … well that sounds asinine, why would anyone willingly choose to stay with an unpleasant situation. Who says it is willingly done, subconsciously; we make bad judgment calls and then cry about them. Like last night I thought about putting away my daughter's birthday gift and then I started doing something else and left it there, what did I expect? of course she found it and then I was sad that my surprise had been ruined. Well I sabotaged myself.

Ground-state.

I have not ranted in ages!! argh!!!
I want to scream.
May I?
How does one scream on a blog?
Write caps?
That is so bloody impotent. argh!
And argh is not?
tch, I give up.

Anyways.

I have a theory.

:0

Okay, I have many.

One of them is about excited states and ground states. I think everybody has an excited state and everybody has a ground state.

When I was younger, my ground state was that of chaos. Confusion, dilemmas, to-be-or-not-to-be jibber- jabber, that was my thing. That was what I did, that was what I was good at, if there may be such a thing as being good at being in disarray. You know that saying - one must still have chaos inside oneself to give birth to a shining star - hey! I lived for stuff like that.

The zen state of being was my excited state. The one where I was at peace, in control, where nothing absolutely nothing fazed me. And then, out of nowhere at all, I would radiate some energy and fall back into my ground state of hyperactivity. Boom. Done.

hmmm....

Don't tell me. You actually think it is better to have 'peace' for your ground state. Oh you poor darling. Here, let me prove to you why it is better to have a chaos ground state.

In theory, you would spend more time in your ground state as compared to your excited state. Agreed? The more time you spend with something, the more you get to know it, right? You learn to deal with it. So, in principle, if you live long enough you would get used to even an 'out-to-lunch' ground state - eventually. Then, randomness would come naturally to you. And every now and then, when something would push you over the edge and you suddenly find yourselves at peace - that would be a bonus. Because shanti is intuitive, everybody is okay with shanti, who doesn't want shanti, unless of course you try to name your daughter shanti and then all sorts of people start giving you dirty looks, so, don't try that, tch, anyways, point is, you would know what do when you were at peace, that part is easy.

But, and this is a big but, no pun intended, when you fell back to your ground state of pandemonium, hey! guess what? you still know what to do. Coz fool, that's your own state isn't it?

Moral of the story, win win. You are cool, in both states.

Now contrast that to a peace ground state, okay you are fine when you are there, no brownie points for that, but what happens when you get to the excited state? You are out of your wits, you don't know what you are supposed to be doing, seriously? you would willingly choose that?

Still not convinced? Look at me...for the past some time, almost years, I have learned to stay longer and longer in my so called excited state, I have actually been at peace more days than not. Theek hai, ho sakta hai, ki my peace is not the same as your peace and my peace actually looks like anarchy to you, all the same its my bloody peace and I am happy with it, so don't you go around bursting my bubble. In any case, today is not one of those, even-by-my-standards- peaceful day. Today is the day when disorder rules the roost. And I am thinking I should be okay with it, because that is my ground state, remember. I should know how to deal with this. Unfortunately, I don't. I have been away too long. And this is killing me. Today, when I am at one of my local entropy maximas, it is not even a global one, 'coz globally this function has seen highs and lows like you cannot imagine, and yet, yet I have absolutely no skills to deal with this minor hiccup.

Hence the need to scream. Above. And hence even more crest fallen at my inability to scream. On a blog! Can't scream for real. Folks at home are sleeping.

So I am wondering just what the heck happened here?

Has that whole 'shanti' bit become my new ground state?
Why?
That is so completely counterproductive.

The no name number ...

Here is what I do when I am in a pinch and I need a clean purse : I take all the garbage (read papers), throw them in a big zip lock bag, and label them as 'Purse contents such and such date' and then, well stash it somewhere and keep meaning to go through it on some date in the near future - I might as well come clean and admit that it never happens to be near! But it gives me great peace of mind knowing that nothing is lost. If I really need something, I can go through my zip log baggies.

Today, I cleaned three such bags and in one of them, I found this slip of paper with a phone number and no name next to it. That slip has been bothering me since then. No its not that big a deal, its some no. from somewhere, god knows whose it is, throw it, be done with the damned piece of paper. Fine, I did exactly that, the problem is the thought behind it.

Why would someone write a phone no. with no name next to it? What was I thinking at the time I did that? I am obviously smarter than that. Did I think it was so important there was no way I could forget whose number it was? Right! that was a good theory. Was it someone so unimportant I did not want to keep their no.? Then why bother taking it down in the first place. Any half brained dimwit would know to write the whole information, but apparently not me.

And then, to top it off, I am thinking I am going senile, coz I am worrying about the stupid piece of paper.

Argh!!

:(

I cannot believe that Gurdas Mann was here for a concert and I did not go !!!

:(

shoot I need help

man! i got glue in my hair, वो गन्दी वाली fevicol types. quick tell me what to do.
yes I am all sorts of a donkey, डाँटना बाद में, पहले बताओ क्या करुँ?

ahh...

I scrubbed the walls today. The best thing to clean walls with ? Elbow grease. I gave it all I had, kept going, walls, doors, windows, जो आ गया रगड़ डालो. untill I was wasted.

So anyways, I told him, take me out to lunch, I cleaned all your walls. He says " I don't remember giving you a requisition to clean my walls." The audacity of the man!

अरे! "मैं पूछ पूछ के काम करतीं हूँ, whatever gave you that idea?"

Then I remember, the last ten years, मैं इनसे पूछ पूछ कर ही काम करतीं हूँ.

Now he gives me this stupid grin, "Where do you want to go?"

हद है! जहन्नुम में! ले चलोगे? इस जनमजले blackberry से फुरसत मिलेगी, जब न ले चलोगे, मैं तो मैं, जहन्नुम भी इंतज़ार करे इनका।

that's it! I give up!

Remember how sometime back I said I was doing this thought experiment? Yeah! Well! It is officially a failure now. ha ha ha

Here is why...

If thought forms worked then it should have worked looooooooooooooong back. It did not. So even if I do get a positive result now, it could as easily have been chance... so ... yep. Failed it is.

No, I still cannot tell you about it, because if it happens then, I will always doubt that you did it on purpose, so ... I am just letting it go. What was that philosophy... if it comes back it is yours forever, if it doesn't, was never yours to begin with. see, I never agreed with that one ever before, but, I digress.

for the heck of it

do you remember that Shyamalan movie, unbreakable? the guy says, all these years, I have been waiting to hear a particular combination of words.

Well all these months I have been waiting for a particular event. I cannot tell you what it is, because that will spoil the experiment, I will tell you after, it is not an entirely unlikely event, just something I have been sending out thought forms for, and I am waiting to see if my thought forms have any impact at all. I am very sorry to report that they have not worked. Not yet at least.

The trouble with such an experiment is that you cannot tell anybody about it till it is successful and then they might not believe you. Baad me to sab kehten hain..... And on the other hand, when something is just with you, you might be tempted to change it and modify your own expectations and say, han han ho gaya, yehi socha tha. Hard to maintain that integrity so to speak, or may be in my case, i am more likely to just forget it all together. So, I thought I will write about it here and thus remember it. hmmm....

So, still waiting.... for godot...is it? Did he say he is coming? No, I don't think so...... :)

waiting for godot

मुझे एक बात समझ में आई, वो एक कहावत है न, इंतज़ार में आँखें पथराना, वो , वो कहावत समझ में आ गई. क्यों आई, ये बेकार कि बात है , आ गई ये ध्यान देने कि बात है। तो चलो देर आए, दुरुस्त आए। पर ये नही समझ में आया, कि जब आँखें पथरा ही गई फिर क्या? उसके बाद क्या? उसके बाद का कहावत में नही लिखा, उसके बाद का मुझे अभी समझ नही आया, पथरा गई तो इंतज़ार ख़तम हो गया क्या? या सदा सदा के लिए अब इंतज़ार में ही रहेंगी?

बड़ी nonsense कि सी बात है जी। i am waiting for you implies that you have to show up, eventually, after an x period in time, but if you never show up then is it still technically wait? is it not an entirely new state of being?

वो मान साहब ठीक कह गए हैं जी, तुस्सी औना नहीं किसे ने सान्नू लौना नहीं......

I think i am finally going to read waiting for godot, i have been scared $&*#less of that one, but, its time....

get a grip

I was trying to park in this spot, it wasn't a great spot, but there was enough space for the car, barely enough. But the thing is, I kept going at the wrong angle and by four attempts I was frustrated, there was this part of me telling me to shut up and just do it, and another saying why bother, if I am having so much trouble, i might scrape one of the other cars - not worth it.

So what did i do? I drove away and parked elsewhere.

Why does it bother me? because if I did not think it to death I could have parked there. And that is my MO in life, every time I think something to death, I kill it. I can do anything I want, just as long as I can get a grip on this stupid thing - my head. argh!

am mad

right now, i am mad at myself for two reasons

a) i am singing this stupid song that i want to stop singing, i am stuck on it and its not getting out of my head. vahi ... na jaane kyon main bekarar.... whatever... baitha hoon us raah me jo teri manzil nahi...
and
b) and this is even worse, i am sympathizing with this loon standing and waiting in this place which is not going to help him at all. i am mad at myself for understanding where he is coming from. i don't want to see his point of view. i want to be able to tell him that he is an idiot, that this is a bad idea, that he needs to stop and smell the roses. that he needs to wake up and realize the impotence of it all. and i am mad because i cannot bring myself to say all of this. duh. i just did. but, my heart was not in it.

you see, somewhere along the line, i am feeling bad for the lout. i can see how it is possible to get stuck in the rut of waiting for someone who never even promised to see you in the first place. they never said they were going to show up and if they did they never really meant it. it was a cursory phir milenge. it was not the promise that you made those black lines on the wall and scratched off your days for.

you see you have not been conciously stood up either. how pathetic is that? it took them no effort to cause you all of this pain. they were not even trying to be mean. they just simply forgot about your existance, they cannot even dream that that thing actually meant something to you, that you actually believed that they were going to show up. moorkh! aur tum se zyada main moorkh, jisko samjh nahi aa raha ki tumhari moorkhta par hasun ya phoot phoot kar rovoon?

theek hai bhai, tujhe jo karna hai tu kar, mujhe mat bata please. mera blood pressure high mat kar. please.

when you say something

the other day someone else said this. let me say that again someone else said this. underline the someone else, coz boy am i glad to know that this happens to other people too.

what am i talking about? you know that feeling, when you say something and then kick yourself for the next ten hours.

you know what i am talking about? thank you, thank you for saying yes, even if you don't, i love you for pretending.

only when that happens to me, i kick myself for ten days, ten weeks, and some times ten years. oww, my foot hurts. from all that kicking.

A blunder.

I made a mistake. I gave my chaabi to someone. What do I mean by that? I gave someone power over me, I let their actions control how I feel about myself, I allowed them to decide what kind of a day I was going to have. It is the worst mistake to make. And the thing is it is not the first time i have made this mistake. Especially with this particular person. Any amount of 'idiot idiot idiot' and 'stupid stupid stupid' chanting is not going to come close to describing how purely stupid it was.

Especially when it took me a whole year to get over the last time they did something like this.

Some people never learn. I am one of those.