am feeling lonely

Today is one of those days when I am feeling so alone, left out, just all by myself. Usually I like that, to have time to myself, to be able to hear myself think, to not have to make conversation. But once in a while it can get to you. As human beings it is in our very natures to seek contact with other human beings. However flawed and unsatisfying we might find that interaction, however upset we might get at their inabilities to understand us, to relate to us, we still seek out someone who would listen to us. And when we don't get that for a while we become sad and forlorn.

You know that feeling, when you are walking on the side of a bridge, on a cold, dark, misty night. You are enjoying the chill in the air, the soft wet vapors that barely condense on your face, inhaling the essence of a lonely night. And then you happen to look at the scene below. For a few minutes you admire it. The valley to the right, the city to the left, and miles of highway below your feet, with its long lines of cars, the unending white lights of those approaching and the red ones of those going away. A necklace of pearls and rubies. Cars coming and going - from nowhere to nowhere.

But no. Not from nowhere, not to nowhere. No, cars coming coming from homes going home. From work, from visiting family, from vacations. Cars hauling people and their possessions, nick-knacks, things. And it occurs to you, that at this hour of the night, they are probably all going home. All trying their best to not cross the speed limit too much, to not fall asleep behind the wheel, and to not stop for gas and just somehow get home.

Home - what an thing, what a place, what a concept.

You look at the city lights, and it dawns on you that as pretty as they look, each one of those shimmering, twinkling, sometimes struggling lights, is a home. Every single one of those lights is a place where some weary traveler longs to be when he is out on the road. Yes, some of those lights are homes where bad things happen. Kids go to bed hungry, women get punched, yelling kicking screaming fests unfold. Where bones and hearts get broken, and people get hurt. Yes, some of those lights are homes, where bad things happen. And yet people would rather be home. Something about a roof and four walls, that compared to all the troubles of homes, the streets are filthier still.

And the night is not so good anymore, is it? This thought about homes has ruined it for you. All those things about this night that you were not just comfortable with, but were positively enjoying moments before, are not so beautiful anymore. The night is cold, the air damp, it even smells malicious. This long line of cars below your feet is a reminder of just how far away from home you are. You are a stranger in these parts, an outsider in an alien land, you don't belong.

And that gets you to wondering who in their right minds would come out on to this dark bridge, in the middle of the night, all by themselves.What were you hoping to achieve - getting mugged? That if you had an iota of sense you would have stayed home and not ventured out.

That is how I am feeling right now. Sitting with my laptop, on the verge of finding 500 million friends, I feel alone. All by myself. Lonely... Here at my fingertips are all those social networking sites, where people update statuses, write messages, and keep in touch with each other on a second by second basis. And yes they are not all friendly interactions, all those messages are not pretty or cordial, there is gossip and spite and malice, there is bitchiness and cattiness and all those other mean things that women do to each other in social contexts. And I am sure men have their own pissing contests, but I am not tuned in to those.

So most of the times I feel why bother? Why ever sign into any of those lousy sites? They are the same people, sitting in front of you, passing you on the street, or commenting on your comments. If you don't get each other in person, it ain't gonna happen online either.

But on some days, you would take even that. Because you are that lonely. And that is one depressing thought.

But mine is not the kind of heart that can stay sad too long, and usually it is on nights like these, before I get too blue, that I think of that song - जाने क्या सोच कर नही गुज़रा... वो एक पल रात भर नही गुज़रा.' there is a line in there ... अपनी तन्हाई का शिकवा न किसी से करना, तुम अकेले नही वो सब भी अकेले हैं. ये अकेला सफ़र नही गुज़रा...
and that always makes me smile. Always, and somehow feel less lonely. Because it is true, i may feel lonely sometimes, but I am not alone. I know that there are a whole lot of people out there who probably feel the same way too. So ... whatever.... I need to get over myself, right. :)

cannot wait for the perfect moment...

Having kids has taught me that... that, you cannot wait for it to be just perfect, you have got to take what you have right now.

Like this morning... it was a beautiful morning, everyone else was in bed, I came down, walked around while my tea got ready, a bit chilly in the house so got me a little throw from behind the couch and i felt good, good about my home - no it is not as done up as I would like it to be, I have just never taken the time or effort to decorate it really, but it is nice; comfortable, livable, and i felt good - about this life that i have created for myself. I was about to sit down on the couch to have my tea in peace - every one else in bed remember -a rare rare rare occurrence in our home these days.

And i wanted more... I thought maybe I could carry the teacup and the little box of laddus (yumm) up to the guest bedroom and enjoy the tea and laddus with some warm sunlight coming through that nice window with the great view of the parks. It is the best view in the house and my husband and I lament often that that should have been the master bedroom view :(( but....

Well, that would have been perfect and I was about to do it, but then i stopped short.

As I said above having kids has taught me to not push things trying to make them too perfect.

I know from experience that it is highly likely that just as i finally settle down in a cozy corner of the rajai someone will call me asking for chai, dudu, or change a diaper, and what is worse I will find out that I have only myself to blame, beacuse i woke up the said someone in my attempt to procure a book/ laptop/ headphones hopelessly trying to 'perfect'ify my solitude and thus having ruined it.

So I have now come to the conclusion to not try to do that. To take what i get and ... yes... shut up really and not ask for more. Just enjoy your chai while it is still hot and not let it go cold trying to find the right 'बिस्कुट'. There, my brand of zen wisdom.

Defining Love

What is love? How do you define love? Do different people define it differently? Is love for a child the same as the love for a parent, a friend, a lover? hmm...

Here are some other people's definitions of love that I like:

ishq majnu ki vo aawaz hai jiske aage koi laila, kisi deewar se, roki na gayi --- from that song ye ishq ishq hai ishq.

I completely agree with it, if it meant something to you, nothing could stop you, the whole lot of them are just excuses, you love something else more, that's why you stay, if you really loved this thing as much as you claim you do, you would have gone for it. nothing could have kept you. May be I am being too harsh, may be I don't get exigent circumstances, still there is a romance to the idea ki ishq majnu ki vo aawaz hai jiske aage koi laila, kisi deewar se, roki na gayi...


jaan tum par nisaar karta hoon, main nahin janta dua kya hai. -- mirza ghalib but he had a lot to say on the subject, so I guess I picked my favourite. May be it is the same thing as above, I give my life for you, I do not know what a prayer is. That there would be no dilemma, that it comes as the most natural thing in the world to me, to give you whatever you ask for. That if you wanted me to go away, if it killed me, I would go as as far away from you as I could, because that was what you wanted.

the most painful thing

You know what the most painful thing in the whole world is?

Watching someone who had potential fritter it away.

You could have been anything you ever wanted to be, and you let it go... you became nothing you ever wanted to be.

long sigh.

okay fine, how am I to know what the most painful thing is, I haven't had them all, so I guess its one of those very painful things. Or sad things. Or something.

hum jab kuch kehten hain

हम जब कुछ कहतें हैं .... क्यों कहतें हैं? इस उम्मीद से न कि हम जिस से जो कह रहें हैं, वो हमारी बात समझेगा। है न? पर क्या ऐसा होता है?

हाँ। अक्सर तो लोग समझ ही लेतें हैं। मतलब छुट पुट, इधर उधर कि फालतू बात, मैं कल पिक्चर देख कर आयी, मुझे बिल्कुल अच्छी नही लगी, तुमने ये सब्जी कैसे बनाई वगैरह वगैरह.... अगर कोई किसी की कोई बात न समझे तो लोग बात ही क्यों करें? बेकार फालतू कि ताकत ज़ाया।

पर ऐसा भी तो होता है, कि जब हम, सच मुच, कोई बहुत ज़रूरी बात, जो अस्सल में हमें लगती है, जो दिल से महसूस होती है, जो हम बहुत परेशान हो कर कहतें हैं, वो हम जिस से कहतें हैं, वो नही समझता। होता है न। अक्सर होता है। जब होता है तो हर बार दिल को दुःख भी होता है। फिर क्यों कहतें हैं? क्यों चुप नही रहते?

चुप रहा नहीं जाता। मन करता है, एक चांस मार लूँ, शायद तुम समझ ही जाओ। क्योंकि प्रॉब्लम ये है न कि कभी कभी, लोग समझ भी लेतें हैं। consistency नाम की तो कोई चीज़ ही नहीं है । उसपर मुश्किल ये, कि जिसे समझनी चाहिए, उसे समझ नही आती। और दूसरे लोगों को समझ आ जाती है, तो चलो, कॉन्सोलेशन पराईज़ है, कभी खुशी होती है कि कुछ तो मिला, और कभी गुस्सा आता है, जी चाहता है वापिस मुँह पर दे मारो, ये तो नहीं माँगा था मैंने, ये क्यों दे दिया? अपने पास रखो।

तो प्रशन है कि क्यों कभी तो कोई समझता है, और कभी नही समझता? या फिर ये, कि समझना किसको कहतें हैं? मुझे कैसे पता चले कि आप मेरी बात समझ गए? मेरी बात कि प्रतिक्रिया में आप जो कहतें हैं, उसी से न? तो फिर हो सकता है, कि आप मेरी बात समझ जाएँ, पर जो प्रतिक्रिया आप करें उसे मैं न समझूं, क्योंकि आपने वो नही कहा जो मैं सुनना चाहती हूँ, तो मैं समझूं कि आप समझे ही नही। और इसका विपरीत भी हो सकता है कि, आप कुछ भी न समझें पर गलती से तुक्के से, जो मैं सुनना चाहती हूँ, वो आप कह दें, और मैं खुश हो जाऊं कि वाह आप ही एक सयाने मिले हो, जिसके पल्ले तो पड़ा कि कहा क्या मैंने। :) हम्म... बड़ी मुश्किल है जी।


ज्यादा सोचो, तो हैरत कि बात ये नही है कि जिससे कहतें वो समझता नही, हैरत कि बात ये है, कि कभी समझ भी लेता है। दास द्वार का पिंजरा, जा में पंछी पओन। रहने में आसचर्य है, उढत अचम्भा कौन?

It is beautiful, that in the course of the individual trajectories that we follow through life, once in a while, there is comprehension, communication, they overlap, and for a few seconds, you see from my eyes. Fine, if that is myth, I would much rather live in it. Those are the most precious moments of my life, when for no apparent reason, you knew what I meant. Or I deluded myself into thinking that you did. I live for them, because there is so much I want to tell you. I wish it wasn't like that, I wish I did not want to tell you anything, I wish I could not care less, because you disappoint me all the time time, but that is not how it is, is it? I do, I do want to tell you stuff, and it is useless, mundane, boring stuff, the same as you might want to tell me too, we both already know it, but I still want to tell you.

है बहुत कुछ, जो मुझको कहना है। अबक्यों इतना कुछ मुझको कहना है और तुमको कुछ सुनना नही। क्यों जब लोग बहुत हैं दुनिया में फिर तुमसे ही क्यों कहना है? अब किसी दिन फुर्सत में ये भी मुझको कहना है,
बहुत ग़लत है ये, ये जो कुछ तुमको सुनना नही। समझ कर भी, ये जो कुछ तुमको समझना नही।बहुत ग़लत है ये, ये जो इतना कुछ मुझको कहना है। और ग़लत है ये, ये जो जिद है , कि तुमसे , बस तुमसे ही सब कहना है।

Hopeless. I have chosen this fate for myself, and I am the one to blame. So, I guess I will sit and wait. Whenever you think you are ready, I am right here....

Degrees of helplessness

On a warm lazy afternoon, in the corridors of a Delhi hospital that had just received a fresh coat of phenol-water, which had unfortunately attracted more flies than repelled them, against the wishes of the very meticulous jamadarni doing her infinite rounds of pochas, a bright young surgeon looked at me and said, not at all unkindly "Eventually all cancer treatments come down to this, efficient pain management. If we can keep the patient comfortable, then...."

"And what if you can not do even that? " He probably had not had much experience talking to relatives and this was perhaps as new to him as it was to me. He looked over at the flies buzzing over a speck of dirt, shrugged his shoulders and looked away. It is in real bad taste to ask people questions you already know the answers to. He must have been a nice man, because he turned back, he turned back, looked me in the eyes and said " We can not even cure the common cold. Medicine is a shot in the dark. We cannot do anything. What do you want us to do about that?"

"I want you to stop being angry at me." But I did not say that. I realized that he was not angry with me. He was angry at himself, at medicine, or something. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. That was the day I understood, that there were degrees to helplessness. That it was possible that he understood mine but I was not even close to getting his.That even though we were not in the same boat, our boats were in the same waters. My journey was about to end, his was only beginning.

I will never forget the look on his face. Yes, there definitely are, degrees to helplessness.

What is left of a life....

Last night I was driving, I made a mistake. It was a terrible mistake, the other car should have hit me directly, it would have been a brutal collision. I should have died, I did not. The other guy had brains, he used them.I am not kidding. It was totally my fault. My first thought was, thank god my daughter was not in the car with me. Second thought was feeling bad for the poor guy, he would have had to live the rest of his life knowing he killed somebody. Third thought, My husband is going to yell at me - he was driving ahead of me. Fourth thought - shoot, I left my home dirty... who is going to clean up after me? and what are they going to think about me?

What do you make up of a life as you pick its leftover pieces?

I was going out for dinner, in my hurry I left clothes on the washroom floor - later when someone picked them would they think I was a careless person? Is that true? Am I? My closet is not exactly as organized as I keep meaning to make it. What does that say about me? Oh and my blog! damn! does it really reflect who I am? I remembered my last post and thought! ouch! not good at all. hmm...

I suddenly understood what they mean by " I cannot be caught dead doing ......." you never really know when you could be caught dead. And all that is left behind is stuff.

Our things are personal, we know why they are important, no one else can find that meaning in them. The big things people find uses for, no one is going to throw away my jewelery, they might even keep my sarees, ki chalo beti shayad pehen le, but my paperwork, my books, my nick knacks , I don't suppose it is going to make a whole lot of sense to anyone. They will have no need for those small treasures I have saved forever. Not right away, but after a few years, someone is going to open that box full of my M.Sc notes and say, who is going to read them now? I ask myself that question all the time, but I don't throw them away, because trapped in those yellowing pages are dates that mean something to me, comments from friends that only I find funny, and equations that I look at now and go wow! I knew this ! wow!

Those fraying old photos from school, they each tell a story - a story that is not apparent right away, you had to have been there to know what had happened that day. After a few years when my daughter is older she will want to keep the photos, but will decide to pick a few, she will keep some and throw some out, and I think it is likely that she might throw the wrong ones out, think somethings mean what they did not. She will not know who I am looking at, because obviously I am not looking towards the camera. She might look at the people sitting next to me and think they were my best friends, she will not know that my best friend was sitting the farthest from me, coz that morning we had a tiff and sat apart :) . She might find that half arm jutting at the corner of one picture - shaky composition, she will not know that the only thing of importance in that picture was that arm, it is the arm of a friend who I have not seen in ages, I have no idea where she is and I have no real hope of ever finding her again, that the only reason I save that picture is because held forever on that bit of paper is an action I yelled at that day "Why? Why do you have to spoil every picture?" and have smiled at ever since. I am so glad you spoiled that picture :) She will not know any of that. For that matter she will not know any of that, no matter how long I live. There are things you cannot tell anyone, its like I said, you just had to have been there, to know what was happening that day. And, no it won't matter a whole lot, in the long run nothing really matters a whole lot, pictures least of all.In any case a lot of me went out with the stuff I did not keep, the pictures I threw away, the papers I tore up....

Our real stories are caught between those small insignificant tangible possessions that we leave behind, the junk, the stuff someone else will inevitably have to throw away one day and the imperceptible secrets in our hearts that will leave with us. That the world will not know the truth behind both of them, is in the end, not such a bad thought afterall.

In a life lived under the constant curious scrutiny of friends and family, it is somewhat gratifying to know that you will never know why I saved that half torn photograph, that crumpled bus ticket, and that small pebble which is like almost any other stone on the road? What is so special about them? Different people know different parts of that story, but I don't suppose they will ever get together.

Yes, the stuff we leave behind tells stories, but more often than not, either no one is listening, or, they hear the wrong ones. The irony of history, forever looking for the truth, forever missing it. And I find that thought, amusing.

Nietzche

yay!!!

i was wrong! i am liking Nietzche!

:D

i don't know why i thought i would not like him, i mean he sounds like an egotistical maniac i would have just shrugged my shoulders at him in my youth and walked away, but now, i can see beyond those loud words, almost like a teenager, there is an exterior and then there is something else inside. i see an honest man, trying to make sense of the hardest thing in the world, himself. :)

this might just be a testament to my own narcissism, but he is reminding me of someone i was in love with way long back then - ME. Wait, i still am :P

i have only barely read the autobiographical parts from this book and i particularly like his ideas on opposition, on disagreement and engaging in an argument, mostly because they tend to align with my own views on those matters. no, that is not a valid reason to like some point of view, but it is of agreeing with them, i mean we think alike, what is there to disagree about that.

i also particularly liked his description of people who do not reply as opposed to people who burst into an angry speech. apart from the above mentioned fact that he gets too excited and goes all out to demean the silent ones, i do agree with him, in the principle of the matter. Nietzche says and i paraphrase (because like hell am i going to go get the book and copy for you, no sir, ain't happening today at least.) that the rudest letter is better than a silent treatment. the anger expressed in a rude / swear word atleast expresses an openness/ honesty of character, where as a silent treatment is more contrived and hurts both parties. he thinks it hurts the person who refuses to vent his anger more, what was the word he uses, dyseptic. umm... okay i might not use that word, but.... you know what, i agree. i think it is far better to say what you want, than hold it inside and think you are ridiculing someone by not dignifying their behaviour with an answer. (granted it has its uses and there are times where you must use it, but) in most situations, if the relationship is of any consequence at all to you, then i think, you should say what you want to, even if it is going to sound harsh. because what worth is a relationship, if you are not going to speak your mind?

(i know, i know, those worldly kinds, where you just keep up the pretenses. fine, don't say anything to them, hide your true self from them, but don't for a second, please, don't mistake them for relationships in your head. and if someone opens up to you, tells you exactly what they think, give them the benefit of doubt, atleast once, open up to them too, reveal your true self, and if they don't appreciate it then fine go back to satus - quo. i don't know, i cannot give up on people altogether. not the angry kicking screaming ones, not the mad sulking brooding ones, i just like people way too much to really truly be able to dislike them, for long anyways. and i think these are both deviations from the topic, so i am going stop here)

falling for joe schmoe

the other day ( a month or so back) i saw this poster for the new yashraj chopra movie, something about there being an exceptional story, behind every ordinary jodi. and there was shahrukh khan, looking so cute in his loosely tucked in shirt, ill fitted brown pants, over sized chashma, and the totally geeky-i-am-so-out-of-touch-with-the-real-world mooch. he looked just way over the top cute, not like the made up superstar types but like any other ordinary guy on the street types.

okay, wait. i see the guys going, bas, this is the problem with you women, you will turn your nose up at a normal looking guy in front of you but you will go all senti and emotional about shahrukh khan dressed like a fool.

well.

let me answer that.

first off, the reason women my age like shahrukh khan is because he makes us feel young. he is obviously older than us, we were in highshcool when he was the new kid on the block and if it is okay for him to be jumping around doing these falling in love roles then it is okay for us to let go and completely enjoy those movies. it is very different watching shahid kapoor falling in love, matlab theek hai bachhe hain, you just cannot relate to them, you cannot totally immerse yourself in it. and you cannot hold back a part of yourself and still enjoy. well may be some people can, but not most of us. so there, that is the reason why anything shahrukh khan does is now acceptable. for the record i was never such a huge pankha cooler a/c earlier.

now to the second part. i think it is a myth that men create - the one about how women fall for the bad guys. i so do not think that that is true. most women do notice and fall for your average joe shmoe, we do, look around.

yes, when i think back at the times when we were in university a lot of people did hold the opinion that women - girls - did not really care for the average guys. it was this weird unspoken, not discussed undercurrent; a grudge of sorts - that most girls thought too highly of themselves. it was strange how no one -including myself- ever bothered to argue against it. you see, in hindsight, i do not think that that was true. i know of a lot of young girls who actually thought very highly of some geeky-nerdy-bloke coming out of the library with a ton of books. only, the trouble was, that the poor idiot either was too busy to realize that, or had such a low self esteem, he just could not believe that he was being thought highly of. so really, explain to me why it was that girl's problem? yes, she did not talk to every tom, dick, and harry for hours and hours, but honestly why should she? would you like her better if she did? umm hmm. thought so.

i think it is rank sexism, how these opinions about women are propagated and nurtured. like that one about us trying to change the men in our lives. i think it's an unsubstantiated myth. most of the women i know, actually like the men for what they are, well, we might not always worship the ground you walk on, but we are not trying to change things too much either. for that matter we are most upset, about why you have changed from who you were when we got married, to now, ten years later, we liked that guy, could you bring him back please. i am generalizing, not all men are the same, not all women are the same, every rule has exceptions - but that goes without saying.

so what i am trying to say is, that your neighborhood pappu, should cheer up and feel better about himself. that even though not everybody was swooning over him, he can rest assured that someone somewhere was. someone somewhere always does.and if you still believe that this has never happened to you, then a) you are not too bright, b) you have no powers of observation, or c) you are in denial.

there. that is my theory.

money and its uses

i love this quote: if you think money cannot buy happiness you don't know where to go shopping. its funny.

on a serious note, people like to say that money cannot buy happiness. well, i say define happiness. if happiness is a one carat diamond ring, then guess what, money CAN buy it. there are things that money can buy and those that it cannot, but i see that as no reason to diss money.

it is like complaining that your pair of scissiors does not write. well, it is not the tool to write, so it is not a flaw, get yourself a pen.

to err is human to forgive is divine

i don't know what that means. it rests very much on your definition of the words human and divine, i suppose.

i have personally always felt that forgiveness is an entirely human construct. there is no concept of forgiveness in nature. if you ingest potassium cyanide by mistake it will not take pity, dismiss your error and let the mitochondria in your cells function just because you did not mean to do it. it was a mistake after all.

look around, from the atomic to the astronomical scales, this idea of benevolence, charity, and mercy exists only in the human mind.

its getting cold

fall officially arrived on the 22nd of september 2008 at 11:04 EST.

why do i have this certifiably junk information in my head? good question. you are not going to be happy with the answer. deep breath.

well, for what it is worth, i tried to ignore it, i insisted on wearing open toed shoes, and walking around in my skirts. but apparently mother nature does not care for my approval. winter is here, whether i like it or not.

and even i cannot exist in denial any more. there has been a layer of frost on the grass these past few mornings, the tree in my front yard has lost all its leaves, and my car windows are iced.

right! i am depressed.

i need something to cheer me up.

good thing i know just what to do. plan a nice diwali dinner. :D see that will cheer you up.

that is exactly why human beings conjured up festivals. when you have met your basic needs, when you have taken care of life's necessities and things start getting to you, you need something to keep you going from season to season. what else are you going to wait for, look up to? life can get monotonous and boring in no time, the celebrations - Halloween, thanksgiving, diwali, Christmas - well, they keep us occupied, distracted, too busy to look at the real state of affairs. because that, quite frankly is depressing.

sorry if i it appears that i think there is a conspiracy behind all of this. i do not. there is a difference in being duped and in creating a self deceptive ruse for your own amusement. i fall in the later category. i know exactly what i am doing. these little little small things, these decorations, these preparations, this forced excitement, i know exactly the purpose they serve. they are not an end. they are the means to an end, and very dependable tools at that. i know what i am doing.

gosh, do i sound like an arrogant little blank. tch. deep sigh. it's just that i have a huge, and i mean huge, you can barely contemplate how huge, a circle of things i do NOT know, and just this very small, tiny, imperceptible circle of things i DO know. now if i start pretending, i do not know what i actually do, where will that leave me? i have so little. so this, i know, and i am sticking by it.

so i know, that the people out there who have got real work to do, do not worry about the change of seasons. you see they got real problems, real issues to deal with, they ain't gonna go round fillin their eads up with stuff they can't do nothing bout. shaking my head. you ask them, chances are a) they could not care less about fall, or halloween, or diwali, or b) they will tell you they actually like the winter. right. no one likes to shovel snow, but you can delude yourself in to accepting it only if you got bigger fish to fry. that's it. other wise, that is your entire life. that's all you gonna bitch and moan about. the snow in your drive way!! excuse my french.

so. it is with this nugget of self knowledge, that i am now, going to go and sulk about the oncoming winter. and go and busy myself up in diwali and halloween and christmas. actually i am going to skip halloween, too close to diwali, don't want to be ODing on this stuff :) what did i tell you, i know what i am doing.

:)

oh and happy diwali to you too.

Manthra Karm

So there is this background story in Ramayan, that manthra provoked kaikai to send Ramji away in order to save his life.Long back when Dashrath was a young man, he shot a "shabdbhedi baan" and accidentally shot Sravana Kumar while he was trying to fill water for his blind parents. When Dasharath realized his mistake he apologized to Saravana kumar's parents but they could not be consoled and gave him a 'shraap' that may you die of putraviyog just as we are. Now, Manthra knew of this shraap, she knew that Ram was Dasharath's favourite son, so she made up a scheme to send Ram away from Dasharath so that the conditions of the shraap might be met without Ram dying. I have no idea if this is true or not, for that matter i have no idea if the entire Ramayan is true or not, but .... i find this such a poetic story. She earned the hatred, scorn and ridicule of history to save Ram. the one who must be thanked is abused, disgraced and ostracized. Ironic. So when someone does something really mean to me, for a second i wonder.... is that "Manthra karam"? Are they doing this for my good?

Not everyone can do that though. We all live so much in the eyes of other people that we rarely ever live on our own. I am not saying everybody is like that, most of us are though. If i can sing the sweetest song, write the prettiest poem, paint the nicest picture can I live long without sharing that with anyone. For most of us, our talent, ability, and skill seem to acquire meaning through the appreciation of others.We need credit, appreciation or at least some acknowledgment of our efforts and it is in that light that i find this story especially poignant.

want and need

it has been many many years since i figured out that i want is no argument, i need is no argument.

you can want something all you want and that is no reason why should get it. you can need something to death and that is no reason why it should be given to you.

needing to be cured of cancer, wanting someone to love you, needing that job....

and your point is?

:) exactly... bad arguments.

parallel or intersecting lines

this is in response to a question P asked me. here is her question:

What is a better state of a relationship?
Being like two parallel lines? Or being like two lines that are constantly growing towards eachother, i.e .... converging lines ?

Parallel lines .. never meeting....but staying together.. never intersecting....but allowing eachother's identity seperate and identifiable.....never influencing eachother....but not letting eachother influence eachother as well... just stay close.. but still not close enough?

Converging lines..that constantly grow towards eachother... with every single moment passing by.. till one day they meet.. and then ..feel the need of stopping the growth because.. if they dared to grow any further..they will intersect... and finally ........diverge....and the more they grew.. the farther they would get......and keep getting distanced...till they exist.....? So.... how does one make a choice to 'stop growing'? How can one stop to grow? This has been puzzling me since the day i ever got into a relationship.... really?

okay, i am actually going to answer this. why? because fools rush in where angles fear to tread. :D

let us agree to work with in the framework of this question and ignore the trivialities of why do we have to be lines, why not other geometric shapes etc etc. and more importantly, let us agree to stop pondering the absurdity of the question, because that is no fun at all. you are however free to question the logic within the given rationale. okay, now that we have established the ground rules...

i hope you would accept that geometrically a line is defined as such that there is no origin or destination so to speak. thus defined, the specific case of these two lines meeting at some point and thus stopping there, is not acceptable since, if they stop; they cease to be lines. mathematically we would then have two rays emanating from the said point and diverging into eternity. not a very pleasing scenario in this particular analogy. i do not believe you would like that P. philosophically either, i do not think stopping your growth in order to stay with someone is a very healthy thing to do. so that is out of the picture.

now we have the case of the parallel or the intersecting lines. considering the fact that you live from eternity to eternity, the actual time you stay at the point of intersection, would not be vastly satisfying, would it? so essentially, in both scenarios you spend the majority of your life time, not being together. you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

which one of the two you choose is of mere academic interest and serves no practical purpose, apart from may be illuminating something about the way you think. now i am not qualified to say this, so please disregard my opinion, but i have a feeling that the more romantic bend of mind would choose to be parallel lines while the practically motivated individuals might say, hey! something is better than nothing, why not meet at least once? :)

which makes very good sense. eternity is a long time, would you not rather spend the first half anticipating this meeting and then the next half reminiscing. variety. that is as strong an argument, if ever there was one.

ahem.

yes, you got me. it's not my choice though. i choose parallel lines and here are my arguments.

1) there is something infinitely romantic about the idea that you and i could have the same inclinations (yes, slope, sick math joke) in life, the same value system, ethics, ideologies and yet since have different goals to intercept (ahhh....) we might not realize how similar we are. we could appear so different, we just might convince others, hell even ourselves, of our inherent differences. and since we never actually meet there would be no risk of us ever clearing up the misunderstandings. see, i find that immensely amusing. ironic even.

2) we could be completely aware of our similarities, and acknowledge that we have different life paths, we are not meeting. period. you would live for eternity, in the comfort that somewhere on this plane is another line / person who thinks just like you do. forever and ever, untiringly, the same. wouldn't that be a source of amazing solace? for eternity, to know, that you are not alone. come on now.... you are telling me you don't have one single romantic bone in your body? shoo, skitter, go, find it. go.

and,

3) this is my favourite argument, in all honesty you are probably not the only two lines on that plane now, are you? so you will actually have a horde of other lines intersecting you incessantly, you might actually grow sick of all the intersection. so i am thinking it might be a respite, to know that there is this one line that has absolutely no intention of intersecting you. ever . someone who likes you enough to just let you be. and then you can look at each other through that constant distance and smile, maybe even roll your eyes once in a while, at all the others constantly meeting or wanting to meet - could be your own private little joke at the world - could be. that ayn rand person when she said all love is exception making, might actually have been on to something. hmm...

wow, that actually sounds somewhat lucid, when i started writing this, i thought it was going to end up being an exercise in complete and unbridled irrationality :D

movies to real life. A question examined.

This follows the earlier DDLJ post and the discussion in the comments. I have been thinking about something. Apparently it was not just me who wanted Raj to stop Simran, ok i hate saying simran in this situation so... SRK to stop kajol :) so i am going to take a wild guess and assume that most people wanted that. most people would want that in a movie scenario. But the question is how does that map out to real life?

movies are a fantasy, a means of experiencing a situation that might probably never happen to you in real life, for those few moments you can be these people and you can let yourself feel all that they feel, you can want them to take the risks you cannot take yourself, you can want them to do and say things you do not have the guts to do or say in your own lives. That is the draw of cinema. Letting you live an entire life in proxy.

But things are different in real life now aren't they? Would we suggest our friends to take such decisions in real life? if it were a friend of mine standing on that railway platform would i tell him to go after her, if Kajol was my friend, would i tell her to stay, go to this loon she just knew for a week or go home, marry this guy her father wants her to? Seriously what would we do?

you don't have to answer the question to me, in fact you do not even have to answer it to yourself. you already know the answer. we have all been in that situation, we know exactly the advices we gave. I know what I said.

bheje ka ilaj kar, pardhai me dimag laga. It sure sounded like good advice at the time.

is there a disconnect?

we think it is hard for Raj to go and stop her but he should, he should get over himself and just say this to her, but to a friend we say you know what, it is hard to forget her, but you should, just get over it and do what you should do.

should. right.

God help the friends who took my advice. I hope they don't hold it against me.

naino ki mat suniyo re...

I LOVE this song, i mean, i do not know how else to say this, but i love it.

नैनों की मत सुनियो रे
नैना ठग लेंगे
जागते जादू फूकेंगे और
नींदें बंजर कर देंगे

this is the part that i so completely agree with philosophically.

नैनों की जबान पे भरोसा नही आता
लिखत पढ़त न रसीद न खाता
सारी बात हवाई रे...

Finally, some one says that! Thank you.

I never got those aankhon hi aankhon me ishara ho gaya waale songs. Matlab kaise ho gaya? pata kaise chala? how can you be sure ki that was the message intended? or that you were the intended recipient? tumhare saath me koi khada ho uske liye bhi to ho sakta tha? oh god, my brain hurts. kitni ambiguity hai. there is no reasonable way to ascertain the validity of the information being transferred.

I don't know, may be some people have more faith in themselves. I would just keep second guessing myself, main theek samjh rahi hoon na, main theek samjh rahi hoon na, main theek samjh rahi hoon na, it would drive me nuts. Not my cup of tea.

I am not the kind who takes hints well, you have to hit me on the head and say it explicitly, but if you can take caapy pincel and write it down, draw some structures, show the reaction mechanism ( oh and use some colored pens while you are at it) to shayad baat kuch palle pade.

bottom line. sarkari babuo ke kagajon me likha pardhi poori honi chahiye

Rude People - 2

This is in continuation to the earlier post on rude people.

I have been thinking about it, what are your options when some one is really rude, inconsiderate or just plain hurtful to you. What can you do? I guess it comes down to two things.

a) you can give one back to them, be equally brutal and crass. But then do you really want to stoop that low? Do feel comfortable doing that?

or

b) Be polite but tell them that what they said hurt you. But it is easier said than done. Rude people are intimidating. By admitting that they have the power to hurt you, you are making yourself even more vulnerable in an already imbalanced situation. How do you know how they will react and not hurt you further? But that is fear talking. umm...

I don't know. I have done both a few times , only it has always been more rewarding to tell someone they hurt you, instead of hurting them back. I almost always regret it after.

I guess there is a third option then, you could not do anything, with the realization that choosing not to act is an action in itself. If you think the situation is not compelling enough, or if you think that this person is not worth another ten minutes of high blood pressure, then you just let it go. And we all do that all the time don't we? Which in hindsight is a good thing. Why bother telling someone what you think if they don't really mean so much to you?

Rude People

Its amazing how rude some people can be, but what i find even more amazing is that in all these years, i have still not figured out what to do with them.

Yesterday I had this idiot at starbucks have the audacity to ask me " Miss do you even know what a cappuccino is ?" before he proceeded to give me a lesson. God, i could not even believe he said that.

And what i did i do? just stared at him. I could not think of one rude thing to say, something that would slap him back. I wanted to but i could not.

I came out in disbelief, how come i fight, and yell, and scream at everyone I love and care about but have nothing blank nothing when it comes to loons who do not deserve my patience.