the silent treatment

I believe somewhere else (Rude people 2) I argued for the reasons to remain silent when faced with a rude person, this particular post is in continuation from the earlier Nietzsche post and that one. I am curious to see if I end up contradicting myself, not that i am averse to the idea :)

Let me state the problem : When someone is arguing with you how polite is it to let them do the talking and just never bother responding, giving them the silent treatment?

it goes without saying that each situation is different and it is hard to make generalizations, but still there must be some basic principles that govern our interactions.

If the other person is arguing about something then it obviously means something to them. you only have two choices you can try to engage them and continue the conversation or you can choose to not respond. When you engage in a conversation there are chances that you might get carried away and say demeaning rude stuff you might live to regret later. There is always that chance. Besides, if you say something, they are more than likely to respond, and you will be faced with the same choice, to respond or not? which can turn into an infinite loop. How are you ever going to get out of it? So on the surface, the silent treatment, seems valuable. It breaks the cycle, without your ever saying a bad word.

When you give them a cold shoulder, you can get them to shut up for sure, though i think you cannot claim to have been very civil even then. because choosing not to say anything is a potent, violent choice, it hurts them. It is a powerful argument, one that is impossible to refute. There is nothing to prove false, nothing to negate, or challenge - nothing has been put on the table. They do not have many choices left at the end of it, they can choose to keep yelling at you, but it would be futile, you are not replying or they can shut up, in which case they still feel bad because come to think of it, the ball was in your court and you walked away. Whatever else you may want to believe, or make this out to be, you must accept that that in itself it is downright insulting.

In my opinion the silent treatment is not polite, it merely gives the illusion of politeness, it safeguards you from the reproach of having uttered anything objectionable, but it is not benign in any respect.

When you say nothing, the thing you say loud and clear is that you do not care about the other person at all, that even though they are so invested in the situation and this discord, you are not. You can just dust off your hands and leave. Its their problem. No, I am not saying that you should never use it. There are times when i use it too, but they are almost always times when i do not care about the person in front of me, i might have never cared about them from the beginning or i might have reached the point that they ceased to matter to me -atleast for the timebeing- i felt pushed, and caved in, for that time, it was more important to save my sanity than bother about them. The point is, you cannot love someone and still give them the silent treatment in the same moment*. The two - atleast to me - seem mutually exclusive.

Then, like all good warriors you must only use the weapon the situation merits. Using excessive force not only reflects poor judgment but also necessitates messy clean ups after. :) And guess who's going to be doing that? Yes, you! if you have a pricking conscience anything like mine, you are going to be waking up in the middle of the night going, oh damn, why do i do these things :D so when you do, just pick up the phone and call me, we will sit and wonder together, why indeed? :D

* with just one very special case, which I doubt if it is a true exception, i kind of think it is, but need to think about it some more. It just might be a rationalization that I have made up in my mind because there are those times when I have treated some people i love way too much shoddily, or some of them have treated me that way and i just refuse to believe they didn't love me for even one second so.... humph.

ye chaand sa roshan chehra

I don't think it is possible to listen to this song, sing along, and still be sad. It has that infectious happy feel that you just have to drop your blues.

My favorite line - that i think would be so amazing to get together with your friends and sing loudly and just completely embarrass someone, you can't do it to your husband (not after ten years, can't gang up with your friends) and for the same reason you can't do it anyone else either, so really its one of those things you should have done ages back, if you had not been such a prude - is
hai chaal me teri zalim, kuch aisi bala ka jaadu, sau baar sambhala dil ko, par ho ke raha bekabu, taa reef karoon kya uski......

Nietzche

yay!!!

i was wrong! i am liking Nietzche!

:D

i don't know why i thought i would not like him, i mean he sounds like an egotistical maniac i would have just shrugged my shoulders at him in my youth and walked away, but now, i can see beyond those loud words, almost like a teenager, there is an exterior and then there is something else inside. i see an honest man, trying to make sense of the hardest thing in the world, himself. :)

this might just be a testament to my own narcissism, but he is reminding me of someone i was in love with way long back then - ME. Wait, i still am :P

i have only barely read the autobiographical parts from this book and i particularly like his ideas on opposition, on disagreement and engaging in an argument, mostly because they tend to align with my own views on those matters. no, that is not a valid reason to like some point of view, but it is of agreeing with them, i mean we think alike, what is there to disagree about that.

i also particularly liked his description of people who do not reply as opposed to people who burst into an angry speech. apart from the above mentioned fact that he gets too excited and goes all out to demean the silent ones, i do agree with him, in the principle of the matter. Nietzche says and i paraphrase (because like hell am i going to go get the book and copy for you, no sir, ain't happening today at least.) that the rudest letter is better than a silent treatment. the anger expressed in a rude / swear word atleast expresses an openness/ honesty of character, where as a silent treatment is more contrived and hurts both parties. he thinks it hurts the person who refuses to vent his anger more, what was the word he uses, dyseptic. umm... okay i might not use that word, but.... you know what, i agree. i think it is far better to say what you want, than hold it inside and think you are ridiculing someone by not dignifying their behaviour with an answer. (granted it has its uses and there are times where you must use it, but) in most situations, if the relationship is of any consequence at all to you, then i think, you should say what you want to, even if it is going to sound harsh. because what worth is a relationship, if you are not going to speak your mind?

(i know, i know, those worldly kinds, where you just keep up the pretenses. fine, don't say anything to them, hide your true self from them, but don't for a second, please, don't mistake them for relationships in your head. and if someone opens up to you, tells you exactly what they think, give them the benefit of doubt, atleast once, open up to them too, reveal your true self, and if they don't appreciate it then fine go back to satus - quo. i don't know, i cannot give up on people altogether. not the angry kicking screaming ones, not the mad sulking brooding ones, i just like people way too much to really truly be able to dislike them, for long anyways. and i think these are both deviations from the topic, so i am going stop here)

main nahin murali ki tano me

मैं नहीं मुरली की तानो में
वो स्वर नहीं मेरे कानो में

मैं राधा की आंखों का जलता अंगार नहीं
मैं रुक्मिणी के पावों का भी श्रृंगार नहीं

मैं मीरा के होंठों से महका कोई गान नहीं
मैं गोकुल की गलियों का भी तो पाषाण नहीं

मैं कोई नहीं
मैं कुछ भी नहीं

वो न देखे मुझको न सही
पर मुझको भी तो दिखते श्याम नहीं

क्यों कोई नहीं
क्यों कुछ भी नहीं

क्यों राधा सा मिला आधार नहीं
क्यों रुक्मिणी सा मिरा सिंगार नहीं

क्यों गीत मेरे मीरा से कम हैं
क्यों पत्थरों में ज़ियादा दम है

क्यों इस तप को लगता फल नहीं
अब आज नहीं तो चल क्यों कल नहीं

why i have not read a lot of philosophy so far?

i think it has been one of those conscious - sub conscious decisions, the kind that seem to make sense later on in life.

well, here is the thing, i grew up in a home where philosophy was discussed on the dinner table. the nature of truth, why should we be good?, is there a meaning to life? I have always meant to read philosophy someday, but i have never yet undertaken a rigorous course of study, i never went out to get books and read them. i mean in a way i have heard about kant, spinoza, hegel eavesdropping on my nanaji and kakaji talking about these things, but i did not, in any way, go out of my way to learn anything.

and i think there is a reason to that. or atleast i would like to think there is.

you see, if there was a puzzle, would you go and get other people's solutions or will you want to be left alone and solve it on your own?

me?

i would solve it on my own. what's the fun reading other people's solutions? besides you get stuck on their line of thought and are more likely to make the same mistakes. So i want to solve it on my own first and then, i can see what they think so i can decide to what extent i agree or disagree with them, and what is more, feel good about having done it on my own - to whatever extent i get it done.

and that is how it is with philosophy.
what is the purpose of life?
why should we be good?
what is the nature of morality?
are there absolutes in life?
what is the nature of knowledge?
how can we trust we know something for a fact?
what purpose does religion serve?
does morality have to be general or can we each have a subjective right and wrong?
is the idea of a personal god an impossible construct?
etc etc etc


well, i have had some time to think about these things. i have my answers now, sort of :) so now i think i am ready to take on what others think, because now, i know my own mind and, i will not be swayed by swanky words, or big names, thank you very much.

that is the reason that i am glad i waited thirty one years, and now, i am ready for this...so, i plan to get books now and i am looking forward to some engaging discussions, with some of the best minds.

plan to start with Nietzsche :D i don't know why, but i have a hunch, i am not going to like him.... ahhhh! i would love to be wrong this time. it has to do with something i must have heard about him, that has stayed in my subconscious mind, half remembered sorta, coz i have never read him, those kind of opinions are totally baseless, but are also kinda hard to avoid.

ye bhi to uska apraadh nahi

ये भी क्यों लगता उसका अपराध नहीं
फिर मिलने की की जो उसने साध नहीं
जमना के पानी में फिर
उट्ठा वो ऊफान नहीं
ये दुखः जरना आसान नहीं
अब कृष्ण कहीं और राध कहीं
और मिलने की
की ही उसने साध नहीं

vo ik khaab

वो इक ख्वाब
बेहद हसीन था
वो सच हो जायेगा
हमको यकीन था
उस के ख्याल में
रातें नहीं
दिन गवाएं थे हमने
बेशुमार लम्हे
उसके तस्सव्वुर में बिताये थे हमने

यूँ वक्त जाया नहीं करते
कुछ संजीदा लम्हों का मशवरा था
पर
कहाँ सुनता था किसी की
की दिल था

हर हकीकत से ज़ियादा अज़ीज़ था
वो इक ख्वाब
दिल के बेहद करीब था

मगर हैरान हूँ
की वो जब सच न हुआ
जों होना चाहिए था
मुझको वो गम न हुआ


सीने में
धड़कता ही रहा अपलक
उसके जाने से
ये मर क्यों न गया

मेरी बेरुखी से शायाद रूठ ही गया
अब सोचती हूँ तो मुझको भूल भी गया


a lot of people think that survival is a beautiful thing. yes it is. i am not arguing with that. mostly because i have no strength left, to argue with anything anymore.

but, sometimes, every now and then, i cannot shake the feeling, that it would be the worst of fates to survive the loss of everything that means something to you, to outlive everyone who you loved, to slowly lose everything till there is nothing left to lose. what purpose does this pigheaded persistent survival serve? what do you prove at the end of it? that nothing can kill you? is that really so grand?

i wish, someday, i am able to love something so much, that if it is taken away from me, it should kill me. some desire, some wish, some hope - so real, so potent, so much a part of me that its loss should be the loss of air from my lungs, blood from my veins, and marrow from my bones. something. you could give so much of yourself to, to have nothing left for self. nothing. nothing to keep you going, nothing to make you leave your bed in the morning, nothing to keep the heart beating.

that if i ever lose you, i should die.

and if i don't. then the least i could do, is wonder why? why survive you?

a strange dream

i had this very strange experience in a dream today. so i saw someone from the past, someone i have not seen in years and, well i saw them from far and i was doing something else, i did not talk to them, you know how dreams are, you wake up and then you go, oh damn, i should have done this... types. so anyways i saw this person from far,and somehow my cognition was still working, because i thought "hold on, why is he still wearing that t-shirt? that should have changed in these many years" and it is amazing that as soon as i had this thought, i turned to look back and lo and behold this person was in brand new clothes now, in a color i do not consciously remember having seen him wear. hmm... interesting, isn't it?

i am just amazed, in shock or awe or something. :-O how does that happen?

dil utthe deyiye

I love these lines

Nange pindee mainu maar na chamkaan
Mere ronde nain Nimaane
Jineeyaan tan mere te lagiyaan
tere ek lage e tu jaane
Ghulam Farida Dil othhe daiyee
Jithee agla kadar vi jaane

to an extent i agree with them too, yes, it stands to reason, ki dil vahin dena chahiye, jahan koi kadar vi kare, lekin, it is a matter of fact ;) ki aksar dil vahin diya jata hai jahan kadar na ho, jo mud kar dekhe tak na, jise lakh bulao, aur vo aaye bhi na...

kyon?
kyonki,

dil... diya nahi jaata, kho jaata hai.
pyar kiya nahi jaata, ho jaata hai tantananaaa

tareyaan di chunni vali

i really like this song. i am trying to translate it, why? i don't know, because i want to. lately that seems like the only good reason in the world to do anything. getting back to the song.

i love the words:

tareyaan di chunni vali
mukk gayi e raat kali
aje vee na mukka sadi jindagi da geet ve
mukk jana raat vangu
shuru kiti baat vangu
mar ke vi rehni sannu kise di udeek ve

taking its curtain of stars
the dark night is gone
yet the song of my life goes on
i might end like this night
but, like a story of an absent minded teller
my wait for someone, will linger on,
long after i am gone.

aiven na haloon sadde dukh khind jaange
akkhan diyan sippiyan chon moti dig jaanege
aiho ne guzara sadda
aiho ne sahara sadda
eho sadde sajna di aakhri vaseet ve

Don't move so fast, my blues will fall apart
these pearls from the oysters of my eyes will drop
for these are my sustenance
these are my pillars
these are in his will, the remnants of what he left for me....

na dekhe radha

न देखे राधा
राह भी
अब उसके आवन की
न मिलकर भी जो
मिलजाए
वो छब उसके साजन की

main - part 3

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मैं नज़र नज़र में ढूँढू जिसको
मैं साँस साँस में गूथूँ जिसको
मैं कृष्ण बना कर पूजूँ जिसको
उस
आराध्य, चिर अनंत असाध्य से
फिर मिलने का
सुराग भी तो हूँ ख़ुद मैं ही....

मैं
मैं वो ...

main - part 2

मैं वो
जों कुछ बहुत चाही और कह नही पायी
मैं वो भी
जों क्यों उस दिन चाह कर भी चुप रह नही पायी?

मैं करूँ कभी ऐसी नादानी
मैं जो जांच परख कर भी न मानी
मैं बस समझ न पाई दुनियादारी
मैं करके लाख जतन बहुत अब हारी

मैं प्रशनों की बहती धारा के
इस ओर खड़ी उस ओर खड़ी
मैं अपनी ही आंखों के कोनो में
थामे आँसू का इक कोर खड़ी

और तो भी
मैं अपने कन्धों पर
रक्खे
इक पूरे का पूरा संसार खड़ी

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main - part 1

so. here, for the first time i am writing a poem about me. no. not true. i guess they are all about me. but here, unashamedly, openly, totally about me.


मैं बेटी मैं सखी सहेली
मैं पत्नी बहु और अब माँ भी
मैं बहन कभी भाभी किसी की
मैं मौसी चाची और हूँ बुआ भी

मैं नानी बनूँ
मैं दादी बनूँ
मैं पूर्ण विधिवत कन्या दान करुँ
उठते हाथों में है शायद ये दुआ भी

मैं रिश्तों से बंधी सजी
या मैं रिश्तों में दबी फँसी
मैं इनमे घुट भी जाऊं
और इनसे ही पाऊँ मैं गरिमा भी

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i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me - E. E. Cummings

(I love, capital L love this poem. but i love so many things, i can completely understand if they all hate me, for not loving them exclusively. )


i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

excerpt - 1

(Here is an excerpt from a story i am working on. I don't think it gives away the story at all, and i just felt like sharing it.)

Lately, people look at her and wonder why she looks so good? "You are glowing! Are you in love?" She laughs in their faces like it’s a preposterous idea and then turns around to tell them yes she is. She is in love with herself. It is true. She is. Has always been. It is not the complete truth now, is it? But, they don't need to know. All the same, the thought stays there, like a dab of perfume on her wrists, that when her body temperature is just right, when she moves her hands so, and when the air blows over it in the right direction, a waft of fragrance, the idea - I am in Love. She walks around with a stupefied grin, she covers it up with even stupider stories, and she wonders where all those lies come from? Amidst all of this, it stays there, this image - I am in Love. It survives doubt, as it rears its ugly head and wonders if it is not just another regular crush? It lies in wait, as something like fear cripples her muscles and she just cannot turn to look at him as he passes her by. It manages to elude logic, as it wakes her up in the wee hours of morning asking her, what she plans to prove, by being able to hide it, from the one person, who should, in fact, know how matters really stand? She smiles back at her own self, in defiance, because amid the chaos that is her mind, standing alone, is the thought - I am in Love, like its an argument in itself, a reason all unto its own, an irrefutable absolute.

What she hides from the world, she tells the stars, the trees, and the moon, and when late at night, she stands in her balcony, waiting for sleep, the easterly wind blows in her hair and whispers in her ears "We know." Of course they know, they all know! It is self evident. So in a rare moment of valor she tells him too. In her mind, he rolls his eyes and tells her "I know." There the argument rests, that everyone who needs to know, already does, and those who don't, do not need to be told. She lingers around, staring in to the heart of the night, the streetlight merges with the moonlight, a hint of fragrance from Pradhan Aunty's blooming night-queen surrounds her, and a wispy, fragile, dream begins to take shape. It happens night after night that she stays awake for hours, and does not get a wink of sleep, and yet when people see her in the morning, they tell her, she looks rested, happy, and so much better than ever. She thinks she has single-handedly shattered the myth of the beauty sleep, too bad, she cannot enlighten the world. She passes him in the corridors and looks away, not knowing what to say to him, because did he not tell her he already knew? Then, in a panic, she remembers that he did not actually say that, she had imagined that. She watches him leave, spellbound, unable to move. The real and the imaginary have overlapped so far beyond it is hard to tell which is which. So in the deranged, muddy, confusion in her brain, she desperately holds on to the one piece of sanity, that little grain of truth, her last coherent thought – I am in Love.

ring of fire

johnny cash week continued...

i love this one, i love the way it goes burns, burns, burns... or the down, down, down...
and i think i like it partly also because June wrote it.

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a fiery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like our's meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

I fell in to a burning ring of fire

love birds

Once upon a time, long, long, ago, in a land far, far, away, there was a young girl with hair brown like dark maple syrup, her face sunshine, and her smile cheer itself. It was her favourite thing in the world, to ask her friend "Do you know why love birds, are called love birds?"

Now, her friend knew the answer, only because she had been told the answer a million times, but it would have taken a heart of stone to say yes, so she would say "No, why?"

With the smile of the wise, the girl would say, "Because if one dies, the other dies too."

It would make her friend's heart stop every single time, and they would together look up to the heavens, with eyes that dream, and hearts that wait, and think, of a love that would soon come out of no where and sweep them off their feet.

And then, they would turn to each other, shake their heads, laugh out loud and say "Yeah! Right!"

A long time has passed since then, the girls are women, love came like a tornado and took them to far away places, and as they go through the grind of their daily lives, her friend wonders why no one has asked in so many years, if she knew, "Why love birds are called love birds?" Even though she knows the answer, and even though she does not think about love, the way she used to back then, even though a lot has changed, she thinks, she would love to say "No. Why? "

jackson

okay, this is johnny cash week, so....
i love them both together, and i am loving that i can just put up these you tube links :D only i keep watching them and waste so much more time :( but i enjoy that so :)

i think its a very sweet love song. yes they are yelling at each other, he is pretending to go make conquests at jackson, and she is daring him to go, it seems like they are fighting, but the spunk, the spirit, well, that kinda tells how hot that 'fever' must have been. and that sorta makes me smile. it reminds me of their other song - you long legged guitar picking man, oh you loud mouthed woman. :)


We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.
I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around,
Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson,
Look out Jackson town.

Well, go on down to Jackson; go ahead and wreck your health.
Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself,
You're goin' to Jackson; go comb your hair!
Honey, I'm gonna snowball Jackson.
See if I care.

walk the line

I love walk the line almost as much as i love johnny cash, and i love johnny cash almost as much as i love kishore kumar. hunhhhhhhhhh. oh. my. god. yeh kya keh diya. tch tch tch. hmm.... chalo chodo phir, ab to keh hi diya. :D

though i guess it would be ironic that he wrote it for his wife, but then, did not really walk the line, so to speak. but i think that is still fine, as long as he meant it when he wrote it, it should be okay, lying to my face is bad, but later, if you change your mind, then that is quite another matter.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

parande

i love gurdaas maan songs. this one is beautiful too

tussi lang jaana ve sannu tang jaana
tussi auna nahi kisse ne sannu launa nahi
ve, tange rehnde killiyan de naal parande
jinna de raati yaar vichde

there is a philosphy to his songs, that sufi touch, which reminds me of mirza ghalib. here are the parts i like the best

neend na dekhe bistara
te bhukh na vekhe maas
maut na vekhe umer nu
ishq na vekhe zaat

----X---

na sona na chandi khattya
daulat shohrat pani
jad vi khatti ishq ne khatti duniya vich badnami

--X--
ishq kamauna sone varga
yaar banaune heere
kisse bazar ich mull nahi tera
ve ishq diye tasveere
--X--
lakkhan shamma jaliyan
lakkhan ho guzare parvane
haje vi je kar chaddya janda
chadd de ishq rakkane
ke tange rehnde, killiyan de naal parande...

--X--
i like this one because that is one of the things i am trying to learn

bolan nalon chup changeri
chup de nalon parda
je mansoor na bolda, tan sooli kanu chad da

wait, did i write the whole song, saying here are the parts i like the best? ahhhhhhhhhhhh. main aisi kyon hoon? here, go listen to it :D

falling for joe schmoe

the other day ( a month or so back) i saw this poster for the new yashraj chopra movie, something about there being an exceptional story, behind every ordinary jodi. and there was shahrukh khan, looking so cute in his loosely tucked in shirt, ill fitted brown pants, over sized chashma, and the totally geeky-i-am-so-out-of-touch-with-the-real-world mooch. he looked just way over the top cute, not like the made up superstar types but like any other ordinary guy on the street types.

okay, wait. i see the guys going, bas, this is the problem with you women, you will turn your nose up at a normal looking guy in front of you but you will go all senti and emotional about shahrukh khan dressed like a fool.

well.

let me answer that.

first off, the reason women my age like shahrukh khan is because he makes us feel young. he is obviously older than us, we were in highshcool when he was the new kid on the block and if it is okay for him to be jumping around doing these falling in love roles then it is okay for us to let go and completely enjoy those movies. it is very different watching shahid kapoor falling in love, matlab theek hai bachhe hain, you just cannot relate to them, you cannot totally immerse yourself in it. and you cannot hold back a part of yourself and still enjoy. well may be some people can, but not most of us. so there, that is the reason why anything shahrukh khan does is now acceptable. for the record i was never such a huge pankha cooler a/c earlier.

now to the second part. i think it is a myth that men create - the one about how women fall for the bad guys. i so do not think that that is true. most women do notice and fall for your average joe shmoe, we do, look around.

yes, when i think back at the times when we were in university a lot of people did hold the opinion that women - girls - did not really care for the average guys. it was this weird unspoken, not discussed undercurrent; a grudge of sorts - that most girls thought too highly of themselves. it was strange how no one -including myself- ever bothered to argue against it. you see, in hindsight, i do not think that that was true. i know of a lot of young girls who actually thought very highly of some geeky-nerdy-bloke coming out of the library with a ton of books. only, the trouble was, that the poor idiot either was too busy to realize that, or had such a low self esteem, he just could not believe that he was being thought highly of. so really, explain to me why it was that girl's problem? yes, she did not talk to every tom, dick, and harry for hours and hours, but honestly why should she? would you like her better if she did? umm hmm. thought so.

i think it is rank sexism, how these opinions about women are propagated and nurtured. like that one about us trying to change the men in our lives. i think it's an unsubstantiated myth. most of the women i know, actually like the men for what they are, well, we might not always worship the ground you walk on, but we are not trying to change things too much either. for that matter we are most upset, about why you have changed from who you were when we got married, to now, ten years later, we liked that guy, could you bring him back please. i am generalizing, not all men are the same, not all women are the same, every rule has exceptions - but that goes without saying.

so what i am trying to say is, that your neighborhood pappu, should cheer up and feel better about himself. that even though not everybody was swooning over him, he can rest assured that someone somewhere was. someone somewhere always does.and if you still believe that this has never happened to you, then a) you are not too bright, b) you have no powers of observation, or c) you are in denial.

there. that is my theory.

mama tried

i heard this song very recently, but i already like it so...

And I turned twenty-one in prison doing life without parole.
No-one could steer me right but Mama tried, Mama tried.
Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading, I denied.
That leaves only me to blame 'cos Mama tried.

it was in some stupid movie as a background song, but i am liking it now. here:

tum to dil ke taar ched kar

tum to dil ke taar ched kar ho gaye bekhabar
chaand ke tale jalenge hum, ai sanam, raat bhar

oooooooooh! beautiful :D

I kinda like this part:

Tumko neend aayegi,
tum to so hi jaaoge,
kiska le liya hai dil,
ye bhi bhool jaaoge,
ye to keh do ek baar,
khaab me to aaoge….

i guess it is hard to not like a Dev Anand Song.

its not a very good print, but this is the best i found so far so...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRnhmRhjTM8

Love

i think love comes in all shapes and sizes, it happens in all sorts of places in all sorts of ways. that each moment of love is complete unto its own. that it needs no explanation, no context, no anchor. it is unattached to the past or the future. that you cannot let the shit that happens after (pardon my french) take away from the beauty of then and there.

the friend who stopped her own experiment to help you finish yours, because you were so stressed and could not think straight, actually loved you in that moment. so what if now she is so busy with her husband and kids that she takes ages to return your calls, emails, or does not share her secrets? you are not a priority to her now, but back then, you were.

the friend who waited with you at the bus stop till you could get your stupid empty bus, when he wanted to tell you to go to hell, and missed five of his own, but still did not get up and leave, because it was getting dark, and he did not think it was right to leave you alone on that bus stop. well, he actually liked you enough, back then to do that. so what if he will not come to see you now, because his wife thinks its weird you want to meet her husband? so what?

you cannot let the fact that your brother of thirty years has not noticed that you did not send him rakhi this year, because you were mad at him, bother you. he is so busy, he has not even missed it. you just need to remember all the times that he knew before your telling that you were sad.

yes, it hurts like hell, when the people we loved have moved on and no longer care about the same things they used to, but it does not diminish the times that they did. all that matters is that when you said that 'I Love You' you meant it, with all your heart and soul and being. so what if the marriage ends in a divorce and you go on to say all those hurtful mean things to each other later. that you hate each others guts, he gives you the creeps, you cannot stand to look at him. yes, that is the truth of this moment, but it still cannot take away the truth of that moment, that moment of love, of complete acceptance, and complete surrender.

chaiya chaiya

i was flipping channels and chaiya chaiya was on. i don't know what happened it was an instictive reflexive response, i changed channels. i just could not stand it. and i suddenly understood what R had meant that day when she said that she does not feel like watching DDLJ any more (in response to the DDLJ post earlier) hmmm...

yeah.

amazing hunh?

why such an emotional response to it? i am not very sure. why is this different from ddlj? they were pretty much the same time? nahi? i used to like this song. i loved the words, i still remember them that whole taveez bana ke pahnoon use aayat ki tarh mil jaaye kahin.... that was beautiful.

you know what, this is not acceptable, i am going to sit down and force my self to watch this movie, come to think of it, i have never watched this movie in its entirety. i always see it in bits and pieces. i guess i know the story and it is this defensive thing. i don't want to get attached and then feel bad for the characters so, i a just never saw it properly.

act your age

has anybody ever asked you to act your age?

no?

hmm.. guess you always do then. good for you. you might not get the rest of it then.

i wonder what that means?

i have been told this over and over again. the surprising thing is it usually is for the same things. you see when i was younger and the world did not make sense and i would question something, or object to a particular method i was told to not meddle in to affairs that were above my brain size, to busy myself with the kid stuff, to act my age. and now that i am a good thirty years old and the same lousy stuff still does not make sense to me and i raise those same objections they tell me to stop acting like a kid, to wake up and realize that this is how the world works, to act my age.

ummm...

right!

i guess i overslept the day they were going to answer all those questions in class. but you would think if it was going to be such a hell lot of an important class they would give a special memo or something, to make sure you attend. you would think, wouldn't you?

desperation

it's a bad thing. when you desperately want to prove a point, you are a good teacher, you have grown up, you can handle pressure situations, anything, that is when you make the worst decisions. because you do not take actions in a calm rational frame of mind. you are so busy trying to prove you are right, you forget to stop and consider what is right. its the saddest thing in the world. and i guess it happens to all of us, which is the only good thing about it.

watching

i can watch my daughter sleep for hours and hours and hours and never get tired.

:)

no, no, don't go all awwwww.... coz i can watch the weather channel for hours and hours without getting tired too :P

what did i tell you, for the right stuff i have infinite patience.

that which does not change

When you turn back to look at who you were a few years back, you see that a lot has changed.

That, that has changed is fine, but that which did not change, that is surprising.

Something, in the core of me, is still the same. It wants those same things, it dreams those same dreams, it dreads those same fears, it just does not grow up.

And in a way this is my prize. That all of that heartbreak, the pain, the misery was the price I paid to keep this. that which is mine for ever and ever, that which does not change....

it's snowing

-->

(i started writing this a couple of days back, so its not really snowing right now :) its hard to write in one shot what with constant interruptions and requests of mama chitdown, and ek chai bana do. grrrrrr...)

i am watching the snow settle slowly into my backyard. it is the second snowfall of this season. my daughter comes every once in a while to say hi snow, my husband is working in front of the TV, watching it, for a second every ten minutes or so, but he is going to be mad if i switch it off, so... am not gonna do that. it is these lazy afternoons that make me think leaving my job and deciding to be a housewife was actually worth it.

i love watching it snow. it is still mysterious to me. an overcast gray sky that envelopes the roofs, suddenly gives way to these soft, unassuming, modest flecks of white, that seem to come out of nowhere really. like the wind itself materializes into specks of frozen water. in one moment nothingness in another solid matter. how majestic and unpretentious at the same time. so beautiful in its descent- quiet, delicate, yielding. you could wipe it away with a hand, melts as it touches the ground, drapes the forms of things as their own second skin.

but i cannot love the snow, like i love the rain. the rain is my friend, my soul's sister, my confidante. she sings my songs, she knows my secrets, she hides my tears. i grew up with the rain. we have known each other forever. she is a part of me - she goes to the places i cannot, she visits these people i cannot, and sees things i cannot, and then she comes back, to tell me all about them, she lives for me, a life in proxy, that i cannot. the rain is mine.

the snow is an alien priestess to be admired and feared. Discreetly coming down - it presents a benign face, a wispy, harmless, flake. Before you know it, millions and millions of them have settled around you. draining heat wherever they can find it, suffocating plants and sucking life off the face of the earth. it is going to stay there for months, mounds and mounds of it, getting hard, gathering grime, chilling the hearts of cold winter winds. The entire landscape lying waste to its immutable persistence.

It is a battle to keep your bodies and homes warm against the stealthy icy fingers of the north wind, it’s a battle most of us in the modern world do not appreciate, worry or even think about. Snug in our heated homes, cars, and malls we can afford to look out of our huge glass windows and call the oncoming blizzard beautiful, or the even more insulting - a nuisance. a mere inconvenience, that increases your travel time. right. sitting beside my cozy fireplace, as the wind howls and beats the other side of the wall, i wonder, what if? what if i was put face to face with this formidable force of nature? left alone, in the wild, would i have the wits to beat it? to survive? apparently we as a race did... only, will i? i am not so sure, you see...

its a hard thought to shake away, i watch it snow, anyway. i still think it is pretty and beautiful, and i am thankful for how it makes these dull winters brighter - the silver lining. and no i do not like the idea of shoveling or scraping it off of my car but i however am glad that, inside this house, i am safe,warm,protected - for now.