The no name number ...

Here is what I do when I am in a pinch and I need a clean purse : I take all the garbage (read papers), throw them in a big zip lock bag, and label them as 'Purse contents such and such date' and then, well stash it somewhere and keep meaning to go through it on some date in the near future - I might as well come clean and admit that it never happens to be near! But it gives me great peace of mind knowing that nothing is lost. If I really need something, I can go through my zip log baggies.

Today, I cleaned three such bags and in one of them, I found this slip of paper with a phone number and no name next to it. That slip has been bothering me since then. No its not that big a deal, its some no. from somewhere, god knows whose it is, throw it, be done with the damned piece of paper. Fine, I did exactly that, the problem is the thought behind it.

Why would someone write a phone no. with no name next to it? What was I thinking at the time I did that? I am obviously smarter than that. Did I think it was so important there was no way I could forget whose number it was? Right! that was a good theory. Was it someone so unimportant I did not want to keep their no.? Then why bother taking it down in the first place. Any half brained dimwit would know to write the whole information, but apparently not me.

And then, to top it off, I am thinking I am going senile, coz I am worrying about the stupid piece of paper.

Argh!!

mujhse milo jab tum sapno me

This is a poem from that nineteen ninety eight frame of mind, or ninety nine or something, I cannot remember from when exactly, but whatever... you gotta read it in that frame of mind too...

मुझसे मिलो जब तुम सपनो में
क्यों जागूँ मैं फिर सुबहों में
जब झूठ लगे कोई सच से बेहतर
पाँव चलें कुछ रुक पैरों पर
जले साँस भी भीतर बाहर
लो फिर उलझे धुप का रेशम बालों से और
महके सूरज मुझको छु कर

मुझसे मिलो जब तुम सपनो में
मैं न जागूँ फिर सुबहों में
जन्मो पुरानी आस मेरी है
सोची नहीं मैंने कल परसों में

मुझसे मिलो जब अब सपनो में
रख जाना कोई छाप सुनहरी
अधरों पे वो रात तुम्हारी
साथ रहे जो तब तक मेरे
लंबे होते हों जब साए
दिन के ढले जब सांझ चले और
धूल उडे यूँ कुछ सडको पे

मुझ से मिलो जब
तुम सपनो में...

right and wrong

I have been thinking about how do you know what is right and wrong, because I have been... well, its a long story, no it really is, because I have been thinking about this for a very very long time, for as long as I can remember.

How do you know what actions are right and what are not so right? What is the test? What makes some people so sure and others so doubtful? Any theory that claims to explain the difference must account for everything, every action big and small, no matter how inconvenient it is to do so. Only scientists can afford to overlook hard evidence staring them in the face and say let us assume that this part does not affect our observations, or sometimes not even bother to do that, we will add a correction later. Most of us, however, do not have that luxury, we must reconcile whatever little we know to everything else that we know to be sure that we know anything at all.

Is right different for different people? Can I say, this is what is right for me even though this might be wrong in your opinion? That is the premise the notion of modern tolerance is based upon. It is your life, you get to decide what you need to do, I do not dictate the terms and vice - versa.

On the face of it, it looks like a very civilized evolved way of thinking. Most of us go through life, trying not to get into other people business and think those who do so are merely meddlesome busybodies, trying to stick their fingers where they do not belong. It is almost like being in denial. I don't want to think about it, I do not want to fight this fight, so i will pretend like this is not important enough to discuss. We ignore the issues as long as they do not directly influence our lives - Abortion, Gay Marriages, The war in Afghanistan - they are too much to think about and we say fine, let the people who are involved make the final decisions. Women should have the right to choose - why should I have to think if abortion is the same as murder or not? If the mother is ready to kill her own child, more power to her. Really? that is the civilized way of thinking? Who advocates for the little fifteen week old human being who cannot speak for himself? Who is looking after this kid's best interest? The mother is for some reason or another not, and the society does not want to get involved. We do not want to think about it, so we hide behind tolerance, that's what we do, because the alternative is harsh - a fanatic who tells others what to do.

But is it? Why do we think as a society that murder is wrong, why do we openly have laws against it and why do we penalize people for committing the act? Why is it wrong to kill a 15 year old, but not a 15 week old? Does age matter? If it does, is it more acceptable to kill a 15 year old as opposed to a 50 year old? Does it matter that you know that the child is going to be born with genetic defects? Does that give you some moral high ground to kill them? Would you be standing on the same high ground if you went about shooting mentally retarded people? Why not? Why is one more acceptable than the other?

You see, it is a moral quicksand. You start sinking before you know it.

Right is absolute, it does not come with qualifiers. So every time you go around qualifying, defining, defending your actions, you know something is not quite right with it. Or so it seems... it is very tempting to say that, and there are days when I really do feel that way.

But they are not all the days, there are days when I feel there are no absolutes. There are too many variables, too many factors that affect the outcome, too much happening behind the scenes. Too little information to make a hasty decision.

Unfortunately too little information to make even a well considered, deliberate decision.

I don't know.

There is a reason I have been thinking about this for such a long time.

:(

I cannot believe that Gurdas Mann was here for a concert and I did not go !!!

:(

aaj di pe koi zor chalta nahin

I love this part:

kashtiyon ke liye ye bhanwar bhee to hai,
kyaa jaruree hai sab ko kinaaraa mile,
bas yahee soch ke, hum bade chain se
doob jaane lage the, magar ro pade

I guess it is the image of bade chain se doob jaane lage the that gets to me. I can imagine someone going 'okay theek hai ab kahani khatam and then, when the push comes to shove - bachao koi mujhe bhi bachao' :)

Bill Bryson's A short history of nearly everything.

I am reading this book and it is a riot. I have to keep reminding myself not to laugh out so loud. Since I get most of my reading done when I am outside, or when folks at home are sleeping, so...

I think I am enjoying it more because it is such a right time in my life to be reading this, okay that sounds grander than it is, it is just this particular sequence of books that I have or am reading along with this one, that makes me get this one better.

Just this one part I was on last night where he keeps going on and on about how the conditions on earth are just right for human life to survive, and if the earth had been just a little bit closer to or farther from the sun we could not have existed, and blah blah blah... I could gag on that. I had to force myself to read that part. Okay, skim, I would have gladly skipped it altogether, but only because the book has been so good so far so, you gotta cut people some slack, un till finally he says what I have been thinking all along, or more like Mr. Feynman says it, and I go, there, I knew there had to be a reason why I liked him so much. Mr. Feynman that is.

In case you are going what is she talking about? Here is the synopsis:

There are a lot of people who love to marvel at the fact how conditions on earth are just right for human life, how delicate a balance has been struck just so we could thrive, and they give plenty of examples to prove their point. It is a circular argument that looks very promising on the face of it. The trouble is that the truth is more than likely the other way round. Because the conditions were so we evolved. We evolved to suit our conditions not the other way around. You can call it divine providence all you want but really it is just.... well... yeah...

tera na hona

You know that song na hai ye pana na khona hi hai ye, tera na hona bhi jane kyon hona hi hai ye, from jab we met, I love that line, that idea, tera na hona ... hona hi hai ye.

I get that. I agree. In a lot of ways your absence is as good as your presence. In a very bad way, it is better than your presence. In your absence I can imagine you to be whatever suits my fancy. In my imagination you say all the things I want to hear. But when you are there yourself, you so irritatingly insist on saying what you want. ugh! what a spoilsport! main nahi khel rahi

ya shayad angoor khatte hain... beggars can't be choosers... whatever... let me live in my delusion. tera na hona bhi .... hona hi hai ye. It is a comforting thought and come to think of it, the external realities of life are of little to no consequence. It is the alternate reality that you create in your brain that helps you survive and get through the drudgery of everyday existence. So go ahead. Knock yourself out. Lord knows I do.

is tan ne muk jana

bhanven roz malishan kariye

another Gurdas Mann gem, though I think it is a bit too obvious compared to some of his other wonderful works, but when you put it in front of the other garbage that is spewed off in the name of punjabi songs these days this looks like picasso.

jindagi da hissa ne jame diyan khushiyan mare da rona

or
gall sachi sachhyan diyan
dab ke vahiye raj ke khayiye
thoda khayie kharch layiye, thoda daan punn te layiye

and wow he can still dance, and I think he really is one of the most good looking punjabi singers even now. Perhaps that is what he is telling the younger generation with the other song in the same album, bai ke vekh jawaka, baabe bhangra paunde ne. Who better than him to show the younger generation how it is done.

na oh rahiyan khurakan na oh zor jawani de
dus saalan de kaake maare akh mastani de
ishqe maare fir nasheyan de teeke launde ne

and here is my favourite one, coz it reminds me of my dadi and her saying that you get angry because you are weak, and every health problem could be solved with some sarson ka tel in your head :)

baute laad ladayan nu ajj susti maar gayi
cheti lad painde ne baba khushki maar gayi
tel saron da mushq maarda gellan launde ne

lakh pardesi hoyiye

apna des nai bhandida
jhede mulk da khayiye usda bura nai mangida

It is one of those Gurdas Mann songs that you really must listen to each word of, it is very well written and very much steeped in that punjabi folk wisdom that people give you all the time and you hardly listen to them and then years go by and no one says those things to you anymore and you miss them.

maade bande vich vi koi gun changa hovega
jun hunda gunkari badbu lassan di gandi da

niyat bina na kade muradan miliyan milan giyan
jhina marzi paath kara lo ghar vich chandi da

marjaane da maan dhan sab tere hath vich hai
parda kaj layin sainyan meri changi mandi da

tumhe dillagi bhool jaani padegi

mohabbat ki raahon me aa kar to dekho
tadapne pe mere na phir tum hasoge
kabhi dil kisi se laga kar to dekho

This is from a time long long ago when I was young and stupid. I am no longer young. Stupid, is debatable.

The year was 95 or 96, and this very good friend of mine was upset about.... well the stuff young people are supposed to be upset about, only, I personally - on account of the above mentioned stupidity - did not much sympathize with his situation and he must have been in a very foul mood because he said with not so much anger as certainty- one of these days you are going to fall in love and that is when you will not find this so funny.

Umm.. back then, I must confess, I actually laughed at him, which in hindsight was a very bad thing to do. You should not laugh at your friends whether you understand them or not. It was just plain wrong. But he was a gem of a person, a real heart of gold to shayad isliye uske shraap ne zindagi me mera zyada nuksaan kiya nahi. But every time I listen to this song I remember that episode and I wish I was more sympathetic, I wish I had not found his predicament that funny, and the trouble is that even if I do meet him in person, which I haven't since we graduated and I have no idea where he is, but even if I did, it is the kind of thing that you cannot really apologize for after this long a time. It is one of those really awkward moments to bring up and might actually be a worse offense than the first one all those years back, so this here, a pubic apology out into the universe is the best that I can do now.

The year is 2009 and it took me twelve years but I do think that I understand what it is to feel that strongly about someone. I think I have a whole new appreciation for love and it is not a teenager's idea of love either, but I have come to understand that even that teenage puppy love must be treated with due respect. What you feel is what you feel and if you deny or belittle your own feelings, then you deny and belittle your own self, in order to deal with something you must first acknowledge its existence, so if i could go back in time, I would actually sit down and listen to his side of the story. Not that it is a big regret in life or something, I understand that I did not understand it back then, and I was acting from a place of ignorance, but in my own paradigm I was being honest and that perhaps is the only redemption.

And that is the other aspect of the song that I admire, that you only understand something when you do. It is like, let's say you have no idea what a square root is, and you see a set of statements like this

2x^2 = 8
x^2 = 4
x = +/- 2

So you say the first step is fine you divided by 2 but what about the next. Remember you don't know the concept of a squareroot. It will bother you, you might even be sure that this is a mistake, and the thing is, it should, because you don't know, if you pretend to be smarter than you are and say ok something happens here, well you are not being completely honest are you?

I suppose that is how it is meant to be. You hold strong opinions, and insist you know what is right and wrong, you go through life judging others and holding yourself in high esteem and then life shows you the other aspect, their side of the story, and you realize how much in error you have been, how wrong your in judgments and worse, how foolish, hasty, and naive in your criticisms. That perhaps is the growing process. Learning, is painful and humbling.

radha na bole na bole na bole re

I love this song, if I could dance, as in the future when I learn to dance I would love to dance to this song. Waiting :D

shyam teri bansi

pukaare radha naam
log karen meera ko yu hi badnaam

I love this song, I love hearing it not so much watching it, it is a sad sad sad song, the saddest part being when he says radha ka bhi shyam vo to meera ka bhi shaym...

really? aisa ho sakta hai kya?

aur usse bhi zyada dukh mujhe rukmini devi ke baare me soch kar hota hai. kya kismet hai na, kisi ko mil kar bhi na mile aur kisi ko na mil kar bhi mil jaye.

I need to do something

Here is the thing, I got these stories in my head, and I should write them. But, I am not... and I don't know why?

arghhh!

here, i am putting down the names so that I have some motivation to do it. I don't know what else to do to spur myself on. i even went and bought one of those stupid games how to lose the writer's block from Barnes and Noble. That was one wasted thirty dollars, I can tell you that much.

they are in two groups, ones that i completely understand and buy the premise of and those that are dicey in my head.

A:

1. The curse of Karna (99.9 % done)
2. You are crazy
3. A matter of Principle
4. Not so stupid
5. The No God (but it needs tonnes of research! so.... )

B:

1. The rogue data point (for the heck of me i cannot decide what she should do at that moment on the subway, that is when the story bifurcates, the universe splits, and I don't know which thread to follow!! My heart wants one thing my head another, ik moh kheenche baiyan, ik laaj roke paiyan... grr... I think this is the one i think about the most... and i wake up with a different decision every morning.)

2. Dripping Diamonds ( I am even dicey on the name)

3. In her own image (My favorite in terms of this being probably the only one that has this ideological love story that I hopelessly carry around in my head, but it overlaps with the no. 6 one so... I have to make up my mind some day. hopefully sooner rather than later)

4. The stranger on the train ( I like it, I think it should be in group A but since I was thinking about it, I put it in group B)

5. The reunion (hmm.. okay this is a happy happy one, and I don't know how well I can pull that off, so... besides I have no idea what the bleeding premise is? Just being happy happy happy is no premise. Is it?)

6. And then there is that (but I think this one is very similar to the in her own image one, i might end up combining the two)

He's just not that into you.

I watched the movie, I have not read the book and i do not think I will anymore. No, not that the movie was that bad, just I do not think the book would have a whole lot more than the movie did so... why waste effort?

The movie was almost therapeutic. almost because... not quite, it falls for the very myth it sets out to bust - that most of us are the rule not the exception. Trouble is, the protagonists in the movie - some of them at least - end up being the exceptions to the rules. hmm... I guess people need happy endings or no one would watch the movie again. or read the book. Whatever. I don't believe in happy endings. I would like to. I try to. But I just know better.

Here is the premise of the movie : Most girls grow up with the notion that if a guy is behaving like a jerk, it means he likes you. And that this idea is wrong, not true. If a guy is treating you like he does not give a damn about you then, he most likely, actually, truly does not - give a damn about you.

Commendable.

It is a fact. Women do believe that men who are treating them bad are trying to hide how much we mean to them. I have heard that, countless numbers of times, being told to my friends, hell, I think I must have said that to someone too.

But really! Think about it. Aren't there guys that were genuinely nice but you some how did not care about them, and it is possible you might have been mean to them on occasion, but the fact is that it does not keep you up at nights because you really did not care much. So why should it bother any guy who was mean to you? What is so special about you?

It is very hard to accept that there are people out there (both men and women) who do not like us, not everyone can like everyone else, not the same way, and yet, bound to this inherent notion of how-great-I-am, we go to great lengths to weave twisted stories to avoid facing the fact that the person we are confronted with, is not impressed by anything we do.

That's what I liked about the movie, it talks about a very basic flaw in our psyche, this need to prove to some one who does not like us, how incredibly charming we actually are. And the inevitable failure of all such schemes. It is the classic case of being stuck in a mental asylum and trying to prove you are sane. The harder you struggle the tighter they tie you up. It is a losing battle. The smartest thing to do is to cut your losses and move on.

Yes, I am completely aware of how much easier this is said than done.

That is why I liked the movie, it is easier to laugh at someone else than yourself, and your own hopeless efforts in trying to win over the respect, admiration, and friendship of people who are determined to deny you any hint of that - be it your boss, the high school bully,or your mother-in-law. Same principle.

Come to think of it, if they gave it you, you just might not want it. Duniya jaadu ka khilona hai, mil jaaye to mitti kho jaye to sona hai.

ode to my mediocrity

मैं जिस जगह पर हूँ
उसे शिखर की ऊँचाई नही कहते
मैं जिस थल पर हूँ
उसे पतन की गहराई नही कहते
मैं वो हूँ जिसे आफ़ताब नही कहते
तो क्या
कि मैं वो हूँ जिसे आज़ाब नही कहते

main apne andheron me, kis tarah tumhe bhi pukaar loon??

this was in response to that hemant kumar song - tum pukar lo, tumhara.... intezar hai. this is an argument against any such pukar... :)

मैं अब वक़्त के काटने के कारोबार में हूँ
मैं दिन को शाम शाम से रात
और रात भर किसी सुबह कि फ़िराक़ में हूँ
मैं ये जो पल पल बस जज़ा की इंतज़ार में हूँ
मैं इन अंधेरों में किस तरह तुम्हे भी पुकार लूँ?

मैं पाप और पुण्य के फर्क से होशियार तो हूँ
पर मैं सब की खुशी घर की शान्ति के लिए
सही को ग़लत ग़लत को सही झूठ को सच कहने को तैयार भी हूँ
मैं ये जो फिर एक नए पतन की कगार पर हूँ
मैं इन अंधेरों में किस तरह तुम्हे भी पुकार लूँ?

मैं इस हाल पर कुछ सोगवार तो हूँ
पर मैं सपनो के छल में, जज़्बों के तर्क में
एक भयानक आने वाले कल के डर में गिरिफ्तार भी हूँ
मैं ये जो शामिल तिल तिल कर ख़ुद अपनी हार में हूँ
मैं इन अंधेरों में किस तरह तुम्हे भी पुकार लूँ?

मैं चाह कर भी
अपने अंधेरों में
क्या सोच कर
तुम्हे भी पुकार लूँ?

dard

रात ढले जब दर्द चले
रगों में बहता खून जले
सर्द बर्फीली उँगलियों से
बाहों में कोई ज़हर भरे
खींच के एक ही झटके में
वो भीतर का सब बाह्रर करे
नब्ज़ थमे और साँस डरे
जब खिड़की पर कुछ आन रुके
रात ढले जब दर्द चले
रगों में बहता खून जले ...

Bruschetta toast

I love these healthy, filling, breakfast toasts, my version of the Bruschettas.

Ingredients:

2 Slices of Bread
1 Tomato
1 Small Red Onion
1 - 2 Green Chillies
1/2 Cup Grated Mozzarella Cheese
3 Tablespoons Coriander leaves
A few fresh Mint and Basil leaves

Salt, Black pepper, and fresh bhuna zeera powder as per your own taste.

Method:

1. Finely chop the tomato, onion, green chillies, coriander, mint and basil leaves.
2. Mix in a bowl and add salt, pepper and bhuna zeera powder as per your taste
3. Spread a generous heap of the mixture on the bread pieces, and cover with a thick layer of the grated cheese.
4. Bake at 400 degrees C till the cheese melts and the bread toasts from the bottom.
5. Garnish with coriander leaves and serve with orange juice.
   

Picture pending :)

Boncconcini Salad

I have to make all salads spicy and indianized so to speak, or else they will go uneaten. Here is a salad that can very well serve as a complete meal, at least for lunch.

Ingredients:

* Mixed Salad Greens - 1 box 150 gms
* bocconcini cheese - 1 box ( I get the pearls, but any kind should do)
* Tomatoes - 2 cut in large slices.
* orange juice - 10 mL
* Hari Mirchi - 2
* Adrak - 1 " peice grated
* Olive oil - 2 tsp
* the following things add as per your taste:
*Caesar dressing - (any other kind should do well too)
* Salt pepper
* Lal Mirchi
* hing
* zeera
* kadi patta
* rai
* Croutons
* Fried cashews
*Hara dhaniya




Method:

You will need two different bowls to prep the salad. It is best served in individual plates or large bowls, so keep those ready too.

Bowl 1:

* to the salad greens add salt, pepper, orange juice, and dressing.
* Keep aside till plating.

You might want to buy pre-washed greens, or wash and dry yours completely before hand, as the dressing does not evenly coat wet leaves.

Bowl 2:

* Drain the bocconcini pearls and put in a metal or glass bowl
* In a small pan ( i use those small handle wali karahis for tadka) heat some olive oil
* Add jeera, rai, karhi patta, hing, hari mirchi and cook for a minute
* Add grated adrak and cook again
* Add Deghi mirch and pour on top of the bocconcini pearls.
* Mix well and keep aside.

You are now ready to plate the salad. I usually divide each component into equal parts with imaginary lines in my head based on the no of servings I am making, just to ensure that each serving has relatively the same concentration of each ingredient. I don't know why but for some reason it is important to me that all plates are relatively similar heterogeneous mixtures. ahhhh... If that is not a priority you can just keep adding stuff in the same bowl to begin with and serve it as it is.

here is my method, to each plate:

* Add one portion of the greens
* Add half the spiced cheese
* toss half the diced tomatoes
* Garnish with croutons, fried cashews and dhania.
* Voila!! you are done, dig in !

Butternut Squash Soup

Here's my version of the Butternut Squash Soup, and no, I am not going to bother to list the ingredients first that is way too much work for me, I am going to just write it out, and if you have been cooking for a while you know that that is how we cook as we go along we no longer line up everything before we start, those days are long gone :)

1. Cut the squash lengthwise, remove the seeds, place in a 425 C oven till its tender.

2. Scoop the flesh out and place one half in a zip lock freezer bag to use later, the other half to make the soup. (Personally I do my baking on one day and the other cooking on another so I would freeze both halves but, you get the idea.)

3. Heat 1tbs of extra vigin olive oil in a pressure cooker, add 1 small onion coarsely cut --> heat add 1 tsp zeera, 1 stick of cinnamon,5-6 whole black peppercorns, grated ginger per taste --> Heat --> 1 tsp dhaniya pwd, 1/4 tsp garam masala pwd, salt to taste, -->heat -->+ 1 apple peeled and diced, and some fresh green dhaniya leaves -->heat --> + 1 tomato -->heat --> 1/2 or 1/4 cup cashews --> heat --> the butternut squash and some water. Cook till one whistle.

4. When cool enough, use a hand blender to puree the soup in the cooker itself. Thin to desired consistency with milk or water per your taste.

5. Enjoy with fresh baked croissants.