Having kids has taught me that... that, you cannot wait for it to be just perfect, you have got to take what you have right now.
Like this morning... it was a beautiful morning, everyone else was in bed, I came down, walked around while my tea got ready, a bit chilly in the house so got me a little throw from behind the couch and i felt good, good about my home - no it is not as done up as I would like it to be, I have just never taken the time or effort to decorate it really, but it is nice; comfortable, livable, and i felt good - about this life that i have created for myself. I was about to sit down on the couch to have my tea in peace - every one else in bed remember -a rare rare rare occurrence in our home these days.
And i wanted more... I thought maybe I could carry the teacup and the little box of laddus (yumm) up to the guest bedroom and enjoy the tea and laddus with some warm sunlight coming through that nice window with the great view of the parks. It is the best view in the house and my husband and I lament often that that should have been the master bedroom view :(( but....
Well, that would have been perfect and I was about to do it, but then i stopped short.
As I said above having kids has taught me to not push things trying to make them too perfect.
I know from experience that it is highly likely that just as i finally settle down in a cozy corner of the rajai someone will call me asking for chai, dudu, or change a diaper, and what is worse I will find out that I have only myself to blame, beacuse i woke up the said someone in my attempt to procure a book/ laptop/ headphones hopelessly trying to 'perfect'ify my solitude and thus having ruined it.
So I have now come to the conclusion to not try to do that. To take what i get and ... yes... shut up really and not ask for more. Just enjoy your chai while it is still hot and not let it go cold trying to find the right 'बिस्कुट'. There, my brand of zen wisdom.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
a new hobby
I just had another epiphany!
You know how women collect shoes? I collect hobbies :) okay fine, i collect shoes and hobbies :)))
My latest is making cards. I know every three year old does that but... well, i am having fun, and i guess i am glad to be married to someone who does not get mad at my million new ventures. I am especially grateful for the things that he does not say.
Like he has never reminded me of the box full of junk - paint stuff - that we have lugged around from house to house, from back when i was painting, because ofcourse I could not just paint acrylics I had to do oil and watercolor too. He did not ask my when in hell would i need to make my own laces when i took those bobbin lace making classes, and he especially did not utter a word the winter I would trudge through a mountain of snow to go to a bow making class. He never once asked me how much that bow was costing him or told me that people buy bows at the dollar store. He even patiently smiled, when i told him that the particularly large bow I had just spent an hour to tie was way too expensive to be put on a gift (you know how expensive wired ribbon is, besides nobody even looks at the bows anymore, which comes back to the original question of why bother making bows, which he did not ask me) and actually let me put three of my favourite specimens on a wall!! big sigh, yes, even I am wondering how I can ever fight with such a patient man, but... well he has flaws, flaws that may not be visible to the naked eye, but flaws that exist all the same. And, I do pay attention to the details :)
but, I digress... so yes, these are all expensive hobbies, I am sure there was a time when it was the frugal smart thing to do to make your own greeting cards or lace or bows, but once china flooded the market with cheap, cheap and I mean cheap stuff none of these make sense anymore. They are just fancies, stuff to do when you have nothing better to do.
This time around I am going to do something else that only the most "vellas" of all people do - keep a record of my progress in card making by chronically posting it on my blog - yes - stuff that you do when you have nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing better to do :)
You know how women collect shoes? I collect hobbies :) okay fine, i collect shoes and hobbies :)))
My latest is making cards. I know every three year old does that but... well, i am having fun, and i guess i am glad to be married to someone who does not get mad at my million new ventures. I am especially grateful for the things that he does not say.
Like he has never reminded me of the box full of junk - paint stuff - that we have lugged around from house to house, from back when i was painting, because ofcourse I could not just paint acrylics I had to do oil and watercolor too. He did not ask my when in hell would i need to make my own laces when i took those bobbin lace making classes, and he especially did not utter a word the winter I would trudge through a mountain of snow to go to a bow making class. He never once asked me how much that bow was costing him or told me that people buy bows at the dollar store. He even patiently smiled, when i told him that the particularly large bow I had just spent an hour to tie was way too expensive to be put on a gift (you know how expensive wired ribbon is, besides nobody even looks at the bows anymore, which comes back to the original question of why bother making bows, which he did not ask me) and actually let me put three of my favourite specimens on a wall!! big sigh, yes, even I am wondering how I can ever fight with such a patient man, but... well he has flaws, flaws that may not be visible to the naked eye, but flaws that exist all the same. And, I do pay attention to the details :)
but, I digress... so yes, these are all expensive hobbies, I am sure there was a time when it was the frugal smart thing to do to make your own greeting cards or lace or bows, but once china flooded the market with cheap, cheap and I mean cheap stuff none of these make sense anymore. They are just fancies, stuff to do when you have nothing better to do.
This time around I am going to do something else that only the most "vellas" of all people do - keep a record of my progress in card making by chronically posting it on my blog - yes - stuff that you do when you have nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing better to do :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
hey!
I would like to say i am back, but, i am just not sure. there is a lot to do these days and i find i don't have the energy to sit down and write, besides i sometimes wonder why go through the effort. once i have already have had a thought, in favour of conserving energy, why sit down to write it, not like too many people are reading it. yes it is true on most days that is the best thought, i can write whatever the heck it is that i want and not worry, coz :) not like too many people are reading it, but sometimes it can also be a deterrent :) does that make any sense?
anyways...
i guess it is high time to start being more disciplined now, but i would love to get topics to write on, so the three people who are reading this, if that, please give me topics to write on, or questions or stuff like that...
anyways...
i guess it is high time to start being more disciplined now, but i would love to get topics to write on, so the three people who are reading this, if that, please give me topics to write on, or questions or stuff like that...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
ouch!
I just figured something, ninety nine percent of the people who come on this blog are looking for ram dhari singh ji dinkar's himmat aur zindagi. अरे बाबा रे, वो तो एक छोटा सा पोस्ट है, मेरा दिनकरजी के बारे में ज़रा भी ज्ञान नही है, मुझे उनकी बहुत कम कवितायेँ याद हैं, उनकी कवितायेँ अच्छी अवश्य लगती थीं, पर... मुझे लग रहा है कि जो लोग दिनकरजी को ढूँढ़ते हुए यहाँ आतें होंगे, उन्हें तो बहुत भारी अफ़सोस होता होगा, i am really sorry for the disappointment yaar.
चलो, मैं एक काम करती हूँ, मैं ढून्ढ कर कोई अच्छी सी साईट यहाँ लगाती हूँ, जिसमे दिनकर जी कि पोएम्स हों , तो आपका यहाँ आना व्यर्थ न जाये, समय लगेगा पर करती हूँ, ये काम भी करती हूँ.
चलो, मैं एक काम करती हूँ, मैं ढून्ढ कर कोई अच्छी सी साईट यहाँ लगाती हूँ, जिसमे दिनकर जी कि पोएम्स हों , तो आपका यहाँ आना व्यर्थ न जाये, समय लगेगा पर करती हूँ, ये काम भी करती हूँ.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
अभी ज्ञान कच्चा है ज्ञानी...
i am pleased to say that that post below was a dark moment and i can already see day-break। i am feeling better. if there is anything i understood this time round it is that - अभी ज्ञान कच्चा है ज्ञानी.
when i think about it, one of the most important attributes in life is balance, lately i had lost that, as i have been screaming in the last few posts. Once I had it, and then I lost it, and then I got it again and i thought i would never lose it, and then i lost it again.... and this time i thought i could never get it back and .. yet, yet it looks like i just might.
it is cyclical. i am beginning to understand the whole idea of re-birth, may be you don't actually have to die. maybe the idea of death is an analogy to explain the concept. maybe when they say you have live many lifetimes to attain that 'ultimate true knowledge', they don't mean it literally, but figuratively. Grow up, learn, fall back, question your knowledge, learn some more, lose it, work again, and so on... if that makes any sense.
There is a lot to learn and the roads ahead are slippery, one false move, and you find yourself at the bottom of the pit. I guess it is some consolation to know that eventually if you keep at it, you will get out it.
So I start again, this time with hope and humility, with the knowledge that even knowledge is transient. That the curse of karna can fall on any one, at any time, especially on those who have been expecting it. That in the moment you need it the most, it just might leave you, your knowledge, your luck, your courage. That in spite of all that you collect for yourself, one of these days, you might find yourself all alone, flapping haplessly in the winds, wondering just what you had been doing all along.
when i think about it, one of the most important attributes in life is balance, lately i had lost that, as i have been screaming in the last few posts. Once I had it, and then I lost it, and then I got it again and i thought i would never lose it, and then i lost it again.... and this time i thought i could never get it back and .. yet, yet it looks like i just might.
it is cyclical. i am beginning to understand the whole idea of re-birth, may be you don't actually have to die. maybe the idea of death is an analogy to explain the concept. maybe when they say you have live many lifetimes to attain that 'ultimate true knowledge', they don't mean it literally, but figuratively. Grow up, learn, fall back, question your knowledge, learn some more, lose it, work again, and so on... if that makes any sense.
There is a lot to learn and the roads ahead are slippery, one false move, and you find yourself at the bottom of the pit. I guess it is some consolation to know that eventually if you keep at it, you will get out it.
So I start again, this time with hope and humility, with the knowledge that even knowledge is transient. That the curse of karna can fall on any one, at any time, especially on those who have been expecting it. That in the moment you need it the most, it just might leave you, your knowledge, your luck, your courage. That in spite of all that you collect for yourself, one of these days, you might find yourself all alone, flapping haplessly in the winds, wondering just what you had been doing all along.
Monday, June 21, 2010
a sense of failure
I feel like i am fighting battles on five different fronts and failing on each one of them. Everywhere i look there is a reminder of things i did not do, did not do well enough, or did not do often enough. My life is crumbling around me and i am helpless to anything about it.
I look at my kids and I think - should be taking the toddler out to museums, and science centers, and more field trips, should be reading more books to her, should spend more time teaching her things. She is bilingual, but i want her to learn french and spanish, and i want to do math related activities and plan science experiments and ... i could spend all twenty four hours with her, but i have a baby too. Poor thing, she gets the shorter end of the stick, she just gets fed, and bathed and i barely have any time to read to her like i did with my older one, or play with her or do any activity specifically designed for her. She has to be content with activities that are for the older one, so even though she does not know her A,B,C's she is learning how to read 'HAVE and THIS' because at this point in life, no, i cannot make two lesson plans, so I tell myself it is better, she already doing advanced stuff. The trouble is even I don't believe that.
Then i look at my home and i see i need to organize the garage, the shoe closet, and the baby has outgrown half of her clothes that need to be put away, but why put away i am not planning to have another kid, so may be i should donate those clothes, should find the number of soem place that picks up clothes for donation, when, don't have the time to make calls. And the toddler is outgrowing her clothes too, so i must put those away in a proper bag and label them with the appropriate age they are for, so i can find them in time when the baby is that age, which means when i put the bag in the basement the basement has to be organized enough that i can actually find the said bag at the said time. And since organizing the basement seems like such a luxury item on the to do list - luxury because who has the time to organize basements when dinner needs to be cooked - those old clothes lie in a heap at the bottom of the older ones closet and every morning when i open the closet they serve a reminder of the whole twenty four hours seven days the i probably should be spending organizing my home.
I walk outside from this mess, and i see weeds, weeds growing relentlessly in the grass, in the flowerbeds, in the nooks and crannies of the stones laid to make the pavement, the same weeds i had pulled out last week, some even yesterday, not that it did me much good, for here they are shamelessly thumping their noses at me. The flowers need tending, they need plant food, the jasmine plant is outgrowing its container, the poor thing had the forbearance to survive a harsh winter indoors and i have not had the time to find a new home and give it new soil, how bad a gardener can I be. I guess quite a bad one because i killed some petunias - forgot to water them for more than a week, I thought they would be as resilient as my grass, that i have taught to survive without water. Actually no, i did not forget the petunias, i thought of them all the time. I looked at them as i stepped out of the house taking my daughter to the soccer class and sighed, i looked at them as i brought her back and promised myself i would water them right after i had fed her and the baby, and then i thought of them late at night in bed, bone tired as i kicked myself for not having watered them yet again and not finding in me the strength to rise, disarm the alarm, and risk waking the baby up, i instead chose to stomach the guilt and loose sleep over my petunias. So, no i did not forget about them, and yet they died, so it is a worse degree of failure because perhaps their death could have been better explained if I had forgotten about them, at least it would have reflected better on my resume. Yes, the petunias would not have cared either ways, do you think in their last dying breath they would have forgiven me, for at least i had good intentions, i meant to water them? No, neither do I. And did i ever tell you of the time i almost killed a mint plant, almost, because it takes a real genius to kill mint, it survived, and that has been added to the list of one more thing I am not good at.
Oh and I didn't tell you, I have a full time helper. See that makes my failure worse, because how many stay-at-home moms get to have full time nannies. But that is another failure in my cap, because I don't know how to manage her, I feel like she is judging me, wouldn't she think why is this person making me pickup after her why can she not do it herself, and i can, I am perfectly capable of cleaning my washrooms, vacuuming, and all the chores that are on her plate right now, only i feel like i should not have to do them now that she is here. And now that she is here, i feel like I should be more productive, I should do soemthing with my time, especially because i have help so as to justify hiring the said help in the first place, and that is the source of stress like nothing else. So my husband does not understand why i don't call my friends, or why i don't go and get a massage, or just window shop at the mall and relax when i have a full time nanny? I cannot tell him why I don't read books like I used to, why I haven't written a single sentence of the stories i was supposed to write once i got the nanny, or why i don't even write on my blog any more. But I can't, because all those activites seem too frivolous to justify paying someone so much money to look after your kids. Who in their right minds would let a stranger bond with their kid, when they are getting their nails done? I can't. So I don't get my nails done, I cannot remember the last time I had a pedicure. So when i met this person on the street and she asked my why my eyebrows looked so bushy (which is not a polite question to ask really) i tried to mumble something about being busy with the kids and she so completely stared in me in the eye with the look 'I don't believe you for a second' (which is not a polite look either) and then she had the audacity to ask if I had gone back to work, and when i said no, she asked if i still had the nanny and i apologetically nodded,and she sighed. The sad big sigh of a woman with real work who did not have the time to soothe the made up problems of women like me. I almost agree with her, I don't know how other women do it, and i feel sorry for them, but to me, my problems are not made up, they are real very real.
To make myself feel useful, I am trying to do some work for my husband, it is the most garbage work of all, who likes opening mail and paying bills and keeping track of paperwork, but that is what i get to do in the name of getting away from housework. Sadly I want to do it, because really more than doing the paperwork, i want to get away from the above mentioned housework, which i am failing miserably at. In the beginning, i would end up fighting with him over processes and things that i thought should not be done the way he has been doing them and should instead be done my way, and then one of the kids gets sick and i cannot work for a week and then he has to take over and of course he does it his way, and now i cannot even fight with him about it, because it was my own fault to not have done it, he was picking up after me and you cannot yell at some one who is helping you. The trouble is that, this whole thing started as me helping him with paperwork, but now, when he does something it becomes like he is helping me, because i am the incompetent fool who cannot take care of a simple task assigned to them. And by now you will probably not believe me but - and i mean this with all due modesty - the thing is, I am a very, and I mean very, very smart person. I am. I know I have not made a good case for it so far, but I am, and you will just have to take my word for it, I guess.
So, the question is how can a reasonably smart person like me, be failing so royally at everything?
And i don't know. I don't know what i am doing wrong, how to stop doing it, where to get help, and who to talk about this to. My husband is too busy, I feel guilty burdening him with all this when he is working so hard day in day out to give us this life of comfort, it is mean to constantly make him feel like the comfort he thinks he is giving me is not so rosy after all. I cannot complain to my mother because she had a harder life than me, her kids were very close together and she took care of us single-handedly and life back then was harsher and more demanding by today's standards. Besides, i know what she will say, it is the same thing most of my friends will say, so i cannot talk to them too, the same wisdom of, stop stressing it, you are doing fine. I don't buy that, because I know i am not doing fine. If i was doing fine, I would feel fine, and I don't feel fine, ergo i cannot be doing fine.
So, i am in my own private hell. Today i almost cried in front of the nanny, and you don't do that, so i stopped myself, then she heard me complaining about something she did to my husband and you don't do that, that is so not right, so here i am hiding in the basement of my own home writing this blog, because i don't have the guts to go face her, because she will thing what kind of fool am i, and you are probably thinking what kind of a fool i am and i don't know, i don't know what kind of a fool i am, really. See, another failure, I don't know the word that describes me. What donkey does not even know the word that describes them.
I look at my kids and I think - should be taking the toddler out to museums, and science centers, and more field trips, should be reading more books to her, should spend more time teaching her things. She is bilingual, but i want her to learn french and spanish, and i want to do math related activities and plan science experiments and ... i could spend all twenty four hours with her, but i have a baby too. Poor thing, she gets the shorter end of the stick, she just gets fed, and bathed and i barely have any time to read to her like i did with my older one, or play with her or do any activity specifically designed for her. She has to be content with activities that are for the older one, so even though she does not know her A,B,C's she is learning how to read 'HAVE and THIS' because at this point in life, no, i cannot make two lesson plans, so I tell myself it is better, she already doing advanced stuff. The trouble is even I don't believe that.
Then i look at my home and i see i need to organize the garage, the shoe closet, and the baby has outgrown half of her clothes that need to be put away, but why put away i am not planning to have another kid, so may be i should donate those clothes, should find the number of soem place that picks up clothes for donation, when, don't have the time to make calls. And the toddler is outgrowing her clothes too, so i must put those away in a proper bag and label them with the appropriate age they are for, so i can find them in time when the baby is that age, which means when i put the bag in the basement the basement has to be organized enough that i can actually find the said bag at the said time. And since organizing the basement seems like such a luxury item on the to do list - luxury because who has the time to organize basements when dinner needs to be cooked - those old clothes lie in a heap at the bottom of the older ones closet and every morning when i open the closet they serve a reminder of the whole twenty four hours seven days the i probably should be spending organizing my home.
I walk outside from this mess, and i see weeds, weeds growing relentlessly in the grass, in the flowerbeds, in the nooks and crannies of the stones laid to make the pavement, the same weeds i had pulled out last week, some even yesterday, not that it did me much good, for here they are shamelessly thumping their noses at me. The flowers need tending, they need plant food, the jasmine plant is outgrowing its container, the poor thing had the forbearance to survive a harsh winter indoors and i have not had the time to find a new home and give it new soil, how bad a gardener can I be. I guess quite a bad one because i killed some petunias - forgot to water them for more than a week, I thought they would be as resilient as my grass, that i have taught to survive without water. Actually no, i did not forget the petunias, i thought of them all the time. I looked at them as i stepped out of the house taking my daughter to the soccer class and sighed, i looked at them as i brought her back and promised myself i would water them right after i had fed her and the baby, and then i thought of them late at night in bed, bone tired as i kicked myself for not having watered them yet again and not finding in me the strength to rise, disarm the alarm, and risk waking the baby up, i instead chose to stomach the guilt and loose sleep over my petunias. So, no i did not forget about them, and yet they died, so it is a worse degree of failure because perhaps their death could have been better explained if I had forgotten about them, at least it would have reflected better on my resume. Yes, the petunias would not have cared either ways, do you think in their last dying breath they would have forgiven me, for at least i had good intentions, i meant to water them? No, neither do I. And did i ever tell you of the time i almost killed a mint plant, almost, because it takes a real genius to kill mint, it survived, and that has been added to the list of one more thing I am not good at.
Oh and I didn't tell you, I have a full time helper. See that makes my failure worse, because how many stay-at-home moms get to have full time nannies. But that is another failure in my cap, because I don't know how to manage her, I feel like she is judging me, wouldn't she think why is this person making me pickup after her why can she not do it herself, and i can, I am perfectly capable of cleaning my washrooms, vacuuming, and all the chores that are on her plate right now, only i feel like i should not have to do them now that she is here. And now that she is here, i feel like I should be more productive, I should do soemthing with my time, especially because i have help so as to justify hiring the said help in the first place, and that is the source of stress like nothing else. So my husband does not understand why i don't call my friends, or why i don't go and get a massage, or just window shop at the mall and relax when i have a full time nanny? I cannot tell him why I don't read books like I used to, why I haven't written a single sentence of the stories i was supposed to write once i got the nanny, or why i don't even write on my blog any more. But I can't, because all those activites seem too frivolous to justify paying someone so much money to look after your kids. Who in their right minds would let a stranger bond with their kid, when they are getting their nails done? I can't. So I don't get my nails done, I cannot remember the last time I had a pedicure. So when i met this person on the street and she asked my why my eyebrows looked so bushy (which is not a polite question to ask really) i tried to mumble something about being busy with the kids and she so completely stared in me in the eye with the look 'I don't believe you for a second' (which is not a polite look either) and then she had the audacity to ask if I had gone back to work, and when i said no, she asked if i still had the nanny and i apologetically nodded,and she sighed. The sad big sigh of a woman with real work who did not have the time to soothe the made up problems of women like me. I almost agree with her, I don't know how other women do it, and i feel sorry for them, but to me, my problems are not made up, they are real very real.
To make myself feel useful, I am trying to do some work for my husband, it is the most garbage work of all, who likes opening mail and paying bills and keeping track of paperwork, but that is what i get to do in the name of getting away from housework. Sadly I want to do it, because really more than doing the paperwork, i want to get away from the above mentioned housework, which i am failing miserably at. In the beginning, i would end up fighting with him over processes and things that i thought should not be done the way he has been doing them and should instead be done my way, and then one of the kids gets sick and i cannot work for a week and then he has to take over and of course he does it his way, and now i cannot even fight with him about it, because it was my own fault to not have done it, he was picking up after me and you cannot yell at some one who is helping you. The trouble is that, this whole thing started as me helping him with paperwork, but now, when he does something it becomes like he is helping me, because i am the incompetent fool who cannot take care of a simple task assigned to them. And by now you will probably not believe me but - and i mean this with all due modesty - the thing is, I am a very, and I mean very, very smart person. I am. I know I have not made a good case for it so far, but I am, and you will just have to take my word for it, I guess.
So, the question is how can a reasonably smart person like me, be failing so royally at everything?
And i don't know. I don't know what i am doing wrong, how to stop doing it, where to get help, and who to talk about this to. My husband is too busy, I feel guilty burdening him with all this when he is working so hard day in day out to give us this life of comfort, it is mean to constantly make him feel like the comfort he thinks he is giving me is not so rosy after all. I cannot complain to my mother because she had a harder life than me, her kids were very close together and she took care of us single-handedly and life back then was harsher and more demanding by today's standards. Besides, i know what she will say, it is the same thing most of my friends will say, so i cannot talk to them too, the same wisdom of, stop stressing it, you are doing fine. I don't buy that, because I know i am not doing fine. If i was doing fine, I would feel fine, and I don't feel fine, ergo i cannot be doing fine.
So, i am in my own private hell. Today i almost cried in front of the nanny, and you don't do that, so i stopped myself, then she heard me complaining about something she did to my husband and you don't do that, that is so not right, so here i am hiding in the basement of my own home writing this blog, because i don't have the guts to go face her, because she will thing what kind of fool am i, and you are probably thinking what kind of a fool i am and i don't know, i don't know what kind of a fool i am, really. See, another failure, I don't know the word that describes me. What donkey does not even know the word that describes them.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
It's not love
It's not love, it's Limerence.
Oh I curse the day I read that word and forever will. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it often makes me want to die.
and now the cheapo poetry makes you want to die too.
hmm...
Oh I curse the day I read that word and forever will. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it often makes me want to die.
and now the cheapo poetry makes you want to die too.
hmm...
Monday, May 10, 2010
Ground-state.
I have not ranted in ages!! argh!!!
I want to scream.
May I?
How does one scream on a blog?
Write caps?
That is so bloody impotent. argh!
And argh is not?
tch, I give up.
Anyways.
I have a theory.
:0
Okay, I have many.
One of them is about excited states and ground states. I think everybody has an excited state and everybody has a ground state.
When I was younger, my ground state was that of chaos. Confusion, dilemmas, to-be-or-not-to-be jibber- jabber, that was my thing. That was what I did, that was what I was good at, if there may be such a thing as being good at being in disarray. You know that saying - one must still have chaos inside oneself to give birth to a shining star - hey! I lived for stuff like that.
The zen state of being was my excited state. The one where I was at peace, in control, where nothing absolutely nothing fazed me. And then, out of nowhere at all, I would radiate some energy and fall back into my ground state of hyperactivity. Boom. Done.
hmmm....
Don't tell me. You actually think it is better to have 'peace' for your ground state. Oh you poor darling. Here, let me prove to you why it is better to have a chaos ground state.
In theory, you would spend more time in your ground state as compared to your excited state. Agreed? The more time you spend with something, the more you get to know it, right? You learn to deal with it. So, in principle, if you live long enough you would get used to even an 'out-to-lunch' ground state - eventually. Then, randomness would come naturally to you. And every now and then, when something would push you over the edge and you suddenly find yourselves at peace - that would be a bonus. Because shanti is intuitive, everybody is okay with shanti, who doesn't want shanti, unless of course you try to name your daughter shanti and then all sorts of people start giving you dirty looks, so, don't try that, tch, anyways, point is, you would know what do when you were at peace, that part is easy.
But, and this is a big but, no pun intended, when you fell back to your ground state of pandemonium, hey! guess what? you still know what to do. Coz fool, that's your own state isn't it?
Moral of the story, win win. You are cool, in both states.
Now contrast that to a peace ground state, okay you are fine when you are there, no brownie points for that, but what happens when you get to the excited state? You are out of your wits, you don't know what you are supposed to be doing, seriously? you would willingly choose that?
Still not convinced? Look at me...for the past some time, almost years, I have learned to stay longer and longer in my so called excited state, I have actually been at peace more days than not. Theek hai, ho sakta hai, ki my peace is not the same as your peace and my peace actually looks like anarchy to you, all the same its my bloody peace and I am happy with it, so don't you go around bursting my bubble. In any case, today is not one of those, even-by-my-standards- peaceful day. Today is the day when disorder rules the roost. And I am thinking I should be okay with it, because that is my ground state, remember. I should know how to deal with this. Unfortunately, I don't. I have been away too long. And this is killing me. Today, when I am at one of my local entropy maximas, it is not even a global one, 'coz globally this function has seen highs and lows like you cannot imagine, and yet, yet I have absolutely no skills to deal with this minor hiccup.
Hence the need to scream. Above. And hence even more crest fallen at my inability to scream. On a blog! Can't scream for real. Folks at home are sleeping.
So I am wondering just what the heck happened here?
Has that whole 'shanti' bit become my new ground state?
Why?
That is so completely counterproductive.
I want to scream.
May I?
How does one scream on a blog?
Write caps?
That is so bloody impotent. argh!
And argh is not?
tch, I give up.
Anyways.
I have a theory.
:0
Okay, I have many.
One of them is about excited states and ground states. I think everybody has an excited state and everybody has a ground state.
When I was younger, my ground state was that of chaos. Confusion, dilemmas, to-be-or-not-to-be jibber- jabber, that was my thing. That was what I did, that was what I was good at, if there may be such a thing as being good at being in disarray. You know that saying - one must still have chaos inside oneself to give birth to a shining star - hey! I lived for stuff like that.
The zen state of being was my excited state. The one where I was at peace, in control, where nothing absolutely nothing fazed me. And then, out of nowhere at all, I would radiate some energy and fall back into my ground state of hyperactivity. Boom. Done.
hmmm....
Don't tell me. You actually think it is better to have 'peace' for your ground state. Oh you poor darling. Here, let me prove to you why it is better to have a chaos ground state.
In theory, you would spend more time in your ground state as compared to your excited state. Agreed? The more time you spend with something, the more you get to know it, right? You learn to deal with it. So, in principle, if you live long enough you would get used to even an 'out-to-lunch' ground state - eventually. Then, randomness would come naturally to you. And every now and then, when something would push you over the edge and you suddenly find yourselves at peace - that would be a bonus. Because shanti is intuitive, everybody is okay with shanti, who doesn't want shanti, unless of course you try to name your daughter shanti and then all sorts of people start giving you dirty looks, so, don't try that, tch, anyways, point is, you would know what do when you were at peace, that part is easy.
But, and this is a big but, no pun intended, when you fell back to your ground state of pandemonium, hey! guess what? you still know what to do. Coz fool, that's your own state isn't it?
Moral of the story, win win. You are cool, in both states.
Now contrast that to a peace ground state, okay you are fine when you are there, no brownie points for that, but what happens when you get to the excited state? You are out of your wits, you don't know what you are supposed to be doing, seriously? you would willingly choose that?
Still not convinced? Look at me...for the past some time, almost years, I have learned to stay longer and longer in my so called excited state, I have actually been at peace more days than not. Theek hai, ho sakta hai, ki my peace is not the same as your peace and my peace actually looks like anarchy to you, all the same its my bloody peace and I am happy with it, so don't you go around bursting my bubble. In any case, today is not one of those, even-by-my-standards- peaceful day. Today is the day when disorder rules the roost. And I am thinking I should be okay with it, because that is my ground state, remember. I should know how to deal with this. Unfortunately, I don't. I have been away too long. And this is killing me. Today, when I am at one of my local entropy maximas, it is not even a global one, 'coz globally this function has seen highs and lows like you cannot imagine, and yet, yet I have absolutely no skills to deal with this minor hiccup.
Hence the need to scream. Above. And hence even more crest fallen at my inability to scream. On a blog! Can't scream for real. Folks at home are sleeping.
So I am wondering just what the heck happened here?
Has that whole 'shanti' bit become my new ground state?
Why?
That is so completely counterproductive.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
last day
i just survived a major car crash. I could have died but i did not. and then came this question am i living like tomorrow could be my last day?
and i think, yes i am. mostly i am.
barring this lil day to day stuff that is never going to be done, i think i am okay. i am at peace with myself and my life. when i was in the car and if i had died the only thing that i think i should have done was to make sure my daughter had a list of emergency numbers on her person, so that if i was dead they could have gotten her home. because that was my biggest worry, if i had died, how would she have gotten home, what if some stranger walked away with her. how would they have found her? but then i tell myself, you can't help none of that once you are dead.
hmm..
oh and i have to make my will.
besides that i guess i am okay. and that thought gives me peace.
does that mean i am ready to die? i don't know. I don't want to die. i want to live. i want to see my kids grow up,a dn go to university. i want to go back to school myself. I want to read books and write them. i want to sit down with my friends and tell them how much i like them. but this is the kind of stuff that never gets done, you can do it over and over and over again and still want to do it.
but i did realize that if given a choice i would much rather die of an illness, that of course does not financially drain out my family, but that still gives me the time to say my good byes, because when i think about it, that is the only thing i wanted to do. i don't want to leave without saying my byes.
there are not even any major apologies left, coz i have made most of them. there is just one person, that i don't think i owe an apology to really, but i want to talk to her, so i already called her, and there is this other person, i really want to tell them something, but i am not sure if they want to hear it and i don't know if it is right to burden someone with information that they are not interested in carrying, that is an active act of himsa, so i am not sure if i want to do that, apart from that... hmmm....
sorry i am just writing as i am thinking and i am not thinking straight so...
you know what the worst thing is? the day of my accident, i left home right after writing this part in my story, where the protagonist dies. she dies in a road accident. i killed her. and then i had an accident. that was what was bothering me all the time. i killed my character and then i had an accident. how crazy is that? some karmic payback? shoot! seriously! can't get over that. should i let her live? i don't know? she was always supposed to die. from the beginning, since i started that story.
yes. i know that is coincidence. it is the human brain, looking for connections making up reasons, i was not wearing my lucky ring, i woke up from this side of the bed, i did not pray to such and such god. the poor helpless brain, always trying to make sense. hmm...
and the one thing that i am glad that i have already been doing again for sometime, ( i had stopped in the middle) is to not give a damn about what other people think. just do what i want to do, coz if i die tomorrow i cannot go around blaming you for not doing what i wanted to do. so if you have a problem with what i want to do, then well, sorry, but that is your problem, you deal with it.
i am as much a child of this universe as the sun and the stars, and i have as much a right to be here as you do, my thought is as valid as yours and i am not going to make myself smaller just to fit your ideas of my place in life.
and i am very glad for this blog, once i die, my kids can read this and know what their mom was like. i wish my parents had kept a log, i would have liked to get to know them better.
oh and for the record, yes, i am glad to be alive. very very glad.
besides it was not my fault, the other person ran the red light. no that would not be a consolation if i had died, but ... you know what, i am sorry that is a big consolation. even in death - we keep scores. :)
and i think, yes i am. mostly i am.
barring this lil day to day stuff that is never going to be done, i think i am okay. i am at peace with myself and my life. when i was in the car and if i had died the only thing that i think i should have done was to make sure my daughter had a list of emergency numbers on her person, so that if i was dead they could have gotten her home. because that was my biggest worry, if i had died, how would she have gotten home, what if some stranger walked away with her. how would they have found her? but then i tell myself, you can't help none of that once you are dead.
hmm..
oh and i have to make my will.
besides that i guess i am okay. and that thought gives me peace.
does that mean i am ready to die? i don't know. I don't want to die. i want to live. i want to see my kids grow up,a dn go to university. i want to go back to school myself. I want to read books and write them. i want to sit down with my friends and tell them how much i like them. but this is the kind of stuff that never gets done, you can do it over and over and over again and still want to do it.
but i did realize that if given a choice i would much rather die of an illness, that of course does not financially drain out my family, but that still gives me the time to say my good byes, because when i think about it, that is the only thing i wanted to do. i don't want to leave without saying my byes.
there are not even any major apologies left, coz i have made most of them. there is just one person, that i don't think i owe an apology to really, but i want to talk to her, so i already called her, and there is this other person, i really want to tell them something, but i am not sure if they want to hear it and i don't know if it is right to burden someone with information that they are not interested in carrying, that is an active act of himsa, so i am not sure if i want to do that, apart from that... hmmm....
sorry i am just writing as i am thinking and i am not thinking straight so...
you know what the worst thing is? the day of my accident, i left home right after writing this part in my story, where the protagonist dies. she dies in a road accident. i killed her. and then i had an accident. that was what was bothering me all the time. i killed my character and then i had an accident. how crazy is that? some karmic payback? shoot! seriously! can't get over that. should i let her live? i don't know? she was always supposed to die. from the beginning, since i started that story.
yes. i know that is coincidence. it is the human brain, looking for connections making up reasons, i was not wearing my lucky ring, i woke up from this side of the bed, i did not pray to such and such god. the poor helpless brain, always trying to make sense. hmm...
and the one thing that i am glad that i have already been doing again for sometime, ( i had stopped in the middle) is to not give a damn about what other people think. just do what i want to do, coz if i die tomorrow i cannot go around blaming you for not doing what i wanted to do. so if you have a problem with what i want to do, then well, sorry, but that is your problem, you deal with it.
i am as much a child of this universe as the sun and the stars, and i have as much a right to be here as you do, my thought is as valid as yours and i am not going to make myself smaller just to fit your ideas of my place in life.
and i am very glad for this blog, once i die, my kids can read this and know what their mom was like. i wish my parents had kept a log, i would have liked to get to know them better.
oh and for the record, yes, i am glad to be alive. very very glad.
besides it was not my fault, the other person ran the red light. no that would not be a consolation if i had died, but ... you know what, i am sorry that is a big consolation. even in death - we keep scores. :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
my old posts
I spent some today reading my old posts, and wow! I think I just have way too much energy, or had it back then, everything is so forceful and over the top, whatever was my problem?
I should ahve taken up a sport or something.
Anyways, I am not that much of an enthu-cutlet in real life. In fact, I have sobered up a lot.
This friend of mine who found me after years on facebook said the same thing, that I sounded way too calm compared to what she remembers me - I hope she doesn't read this blog :) - and I liked that.
I like the person I am right now.
But then that is not saying a lot. I liked the person i was back then too. That is something that has not changed, barring those occasional days here and there, I have almost always liked myself.
I should ahve taken up a sport or something.
Anyways, I am not that much of an enthu-cutlet in real life. In fact, I have sobered up a lot.
This friend of mine who found me after years on facebook said the same thing, that I sounded way too calm compared to what she remembers me - I hope she doesn't read this blog :) - and I liked that.
I like the person I am right now.
But then that is not saying a lot. I liked the person i was back then too. That is something that has not changed, barring those occasional days here and there, I have almost always liked myself.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
am back!!
Hey!!
I am back! or so I think. or at least I can think about being back, coz for the last two months that was not even on the periphery of what i was thinking about.
humph.... What do I write about though?
Isn't it amazing how some ideas can get you all riled up at the time and later when you look back you go whatever, I don't care... only you don't know why you ever cared to begin with?
Oh this...
Has it ever happened to you, that you were standing in the middle of the stairs and then, just forgot whether you were going up or down? damn... that's one godforsaken place to be.
nah.. that's not a topic.
You know what, I still cannot believe that an entire human being can grow inside of you and then be expelled out and survive on its own. How can such a little thing know its time to push and come out of the only place it has known for all its life? I don't know what that is? Amazing or scary? I have still not made up my mind. hmm... i so wish I could remember what that was like...
Oh wait! I know. A few days back I had this epiphany of sorts. I finally figured out why I write a blog. You see, people, they say the darnest things. Half the time, I don't know what to say back to them, coz I just cannot believe they have just said what they have, so I just stand there going umm.. err.... hmm... And the other half of the times when i do open my mouth and speak my mind, well, they don't like it, it always ends badly. Apparently most people can dish it out, but not take it. umm... err... hmm... So i figure, its better to shut up and write a blog, 'people' don't have to read it, and I don't have to explode carrying all that steam inside me.
hmm...
I am back! or so I think. or at least I can think about being back, coz for the last two months that was not even on the periphery of what i was thinking about.
humph.... What do I write about though?
Isn't it amazing how some ideas can get you all riled up at the time and later when you look back you go whatever, I don't care... only you don't know why you ever cared to begin with?
Oh this...
Has it ever happened to you, that you were standing in the middle of the stairs and then, just forgot whether you were going up or down? damn... that's one godforsaken place to be.
nah.. that's not a topic.
You know what, I still cannot believe that an entire human being can grow inside of you and then be expelled out and survive on its own. How can such a little thing know its time to push and come out of the only place it has known for all its life? I don't know what that is? Amazing or scary? I have still not made up my mind. hmm... i so wish I could remember what that was like...
Oh wait! I know. A few days back I had this epiphany of sorts. I finally figured out why I write a blog. You see, people, they say the darnest things. Half the time, I don't know what to say back to them, coz I just cannot believe they have just said what they have, so I just stand there going umm.. err.... hmm... And the other half of the times when i do open my mouth and speak my mind, well, they don't like it, it always ends badly. Apparently most people can dish it out, but not take it. umm... err... hmm... So i figure, its better to shut up and write a blog, 'people' don't have to read it, and I don't have to explode carrying all that steam inside me.
hmm...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
hum aap hi ko apna
Here is one of Meer's poems that i absolutely adore. Unfortunately where there is so much about Ghalib on the net there is not that much about meer. I mean I am grateful to Dr. Pritchett from Columbia for doing such a great job with Ghalib's poetry, just hoping he gets around to taking care of Meer too some day. Maybe my horrible translation below will get him irritated and force to act.
हम आप ही को अपना मक़सूद जानते हैं I consider myself my goal
अपने सिवाय किसको मौजूद जानते हैं for who beside me, do i count as present
इज्ज़-ओ-नियाज़ अपना, अपनी तरफ है सारा All my charm and civility is directed towards me
इस मुश्त-ऐ-ख़ाक को हम मस्जूद जानते हैं This handful of dirt, I consider worth bowing down to
अपनी ही सैर करने को हम जलवागर हुए हैं To tour ourselves we have materialized here
इस रम्ज़ को वलेकिन मादूद जानते हैं This secret is known to but a few
मर कर भी हाथ आवे तो मीर मुफ्त है वो If I were to find him only in death, it would still be free
जी के जियान को भी हम सूद जानते हैं Even the loss of life, would be mere interest. argh! i don't know, its hard to translate, which begs the question why i am doing it, but...
हम आप ही को अपना मक़सूद जानते हैं I consider myself my goal
अपने सिवाय किसको मौजूद जानते हैं for who beside me, do i count as present
इज्ज़-ओ-नियाज़ अपना, अपनी तरफ है सारा All my charm and civility is directed towards me
इस मुश्त-ऐ-ख़ाक को हम मस्जूद जानते हैं This handful of dirt, I consider worth bowing down to
अपनी ही सैर करने को हम जलवागर हुए हैं To tour ourselves we have materialized here
इस रम्ज़ को वलेकिन मादूद जानते हैं This secret is known to but a few
मर कर भी हाथ आवे तो मीर मुफ्त है वो If I were to find him only in death, it would still be free
जी के जियान को भी हम सूद जानते हैं Even the loss of life, would be mere interest. argh! i don't know, its hard to translate, which begs the question why i am doing it, but...
Friday, November 20, 2009
Indian Style Veggie Lasagna
This is a multi step process at the least for me, if there is an easier way to get the same results then I don't know how, and would love to find out. unfortunately, this works every single time and lately i do not find myself adventurous enough to try out new methods, so I stick to the one that works.
Important: These steps are not in chronological order, I am just stating them here, you decide what makes more sense for you to do when, you will just need all these things ready when you start assembling your lasagna. usually I will start them all together so that they are done together too.
Step 1:
Boil the lasagna sheets and keep aside.
Step 2:
Grill the vegetables : Zucchini, Red, Green, Orange Bell peppers,
onions if you like, and pretty much anything else you want. Dice them and keep aside.
Step 3: Grate or cut lots of fresh Mozzarella Cheese. The pics here will show cut rounds but I think i was just being lazy, grate it :)
Step 4: The tomato sauce:
Assembly:
Important: These steps are not in chronological order, I am just stating them here, you decide what makes more sense for you to do when, you will just need all these things ready when you start assembling your lasagna. usually I will start them all together so that they are done together too.
Step 1:
Boil the lasagna sheets and keep aside.
Step 2:
Grill the vegetables : Zucchini, Red, Green, Orange Bell peppers,
onions if you like, and pretty much anything else you want. Dice them and keep aside.
Step 3: Grate or cut lots of fresh Mozzarella Cheese. The pics here will show cut rounds but I think i was just being lazy, grate it :)
Step 4: The tomato sauce:
Heat oil, add Cumin, whole black peppercorns, cinnamon, bay leaf, grated ginger and fry for a bit.- Add diced red onions and cook till translucent.
- Add lots of diced tomatoes and cook till the oil separates.
- Now add your favourite Indian masala(s) I like to use my ready made Shahi paneer masala, along with some garam masala, kasuri methi, deghi mirchi powder, coriander powder, salt etc and cook a little more.
- Add enough milk and cook to make a smooth consistency for the sauce. Keep aside
- Heat some oil in a pan, add cumin, ginger, garlic and saute for a couple of minutes.
- I now use this alu masala that I get from Delhi but in lieu of that you could use some turmeric, coriander powder, red pepper powder, garam masala, black sesame seeds, saunf etc.
- Immediately add washed and cut spinach, you don't want the masalas to burn too much.
- Now add a whole tub of good ricotta cheese to the mixture and keep aside.
Assembly:
- Put some tomato sauce at the bottom of your oven proof dish.
- Add a layer of the boiled lasagna sheets
- A layer of your tomato sauce
- A layer of the diced grilled veggies
- A layer of fresh mozzarella cheese - the kind with high
- humidity levels.
- Another layer of the boiled lasagna sheets
- A layer of the spinach ricotta mixture
- Another layer of lasagna sheets and the tomato sauce.
- A final layer of regular mozzarella cheese (grated is better than cut up) and some butter pieces.
- Bake till the cheese melts, or a little longer, but since all the individual components are already cooked you do not have to worry about the baking part too much, unless you made the whole thing up earlier, kept it in the fridge and are now getting it ready to serve, in which case bake till it is heated through.
- Garnish with fresh cilantro leaves and serve hot I guess. Gosh that is such a cliche to write. argh! Besides I need to learn how to take better pictures of food. I guess there is a reason why they show it in those amazing containers and paraphernalia in the books. hmm... next project.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
What is the purpose of life? - part 2.
This is in response to the earlier post. About what follows next, as you read it, don't take offense to it. I am merely stating a position, I am not trying to be smart.
Back to the question: What is the purpose of Life? Here is the trouble with the question.
It is the wrong question to ask.
It automatically assumes that there is a purpose, and sends you on an entirely unnecessary wild goose chase. You would be much better off asking the question : Is there a purpose to life?
At which point I would ask you two things, a) define life, b) define purpose. Let me share my definitions.
Life as is generally accepted, is the sum total of all processes that distinguish the inanimate from the animate, the living from the dead, including but not limited to, an ability to reproduce, to metabolize food and make energy to do work, to adapt to the environment, and so on.
I agree that this is an over simplified definition of life and perhaps many biologists will not be too happy about it, but for the purposes of our discussion I am assuming that this will work and you will accept it, and will not insist on bogging me down with stuff like; is a mountain living? It is changing all the time, eroding, responding to its environment. Is an interstellar nebula living? It is taking material from its surroundings and going to give birth to a star now. umm... I don't know. Go ask the biologists. But I think even they don't know. So lets just stick to the commonsense view of life as the difference between me and the chair I am sitting on right now. I am alive and the chair is not. Okay?
Moving on. Purpose. To me purpose is the end goal in mind for which something is done, or created, or used etc.
For example a knife serves the purpose of cutting up something, depending on what the manufacturer wanted it to cut; a tomato knife, a bread knife, or the three thousand other types of knives they would like you to believe you need. You would assume that at some point in the manufacturing process, someone sat down and decided what the purpose of a particular knife would / should be, and then figured out the attributes it would need in order to better fulfill that said purpose - serrated or plain, small or big, fixed or a folding blade? Once all the details have been mapped in theory, someone goes about the actual process of taking the right kind of metal and forging the desired blade and attaches it to an appropriate handle and the knife is ready.
Not that the police knocks your door down if you cut a tomato with the bread knife. But they will, if you butcher someone with a combat knife and it won't help telling them that that was the purpose of the bloody knife, it was made to be a weapon. You as an intelligent 'living' thing can decide what you will use something for. You can take any sharp edged object and use it to cut something, if it does a good job then that can be its new purpose irrespective of whatever else it is supposed to be doing.
The above discussion yields two conclusions. a) in order for something to have a purpose it must have been created or used with a particular intention and the two do not have to coincide - the intention can change between the making and the using, and b) there has to be someone who is making the intention. A sharp stone in the wilderness will just lie there. It does not acquire the purpose of being a knife (a cutting tool) until someone picks it up and uses it to that end.
Now in order for you to think that all life has a purpose, you must believe that life was created with an end goal in mind, which will take you to believe there must be a creator, an intelligent being with not just the intent but also the ability to bring forth a certain kind of live being and make him/her do a particular task.
As much as the religions around the world would like you to believe that that is the case, come to think of it, there is no rational proof for the existence of such a being. Fact is, there is not much proof about any theory of the beginning of life. To the best of my knowledge all science can claim so far is that life originated on earth around 3.8 billion years ago. How? We have no real idea. We do not know for sure exactly what the conditions on earth were that long back, the stimuli, the starting materials, the phenomena that might have lead to spontaneous generation of 'life'. None of the experiments we have dreamt of so far have succeeded in reproducing life from scratch. In such murky waters I can understand the charm of the 'G'- word. The only trouble is that if you are going to start giving in to your imagination, its hard to stop. One delusion is as good as another, and then you can make up just about any purpose for life that suits you. That is exactly what the clergy has been doing for centuries.
Personally, I would much rather admit that we do not know exactly how life originated on earth. It is an unsolved problem, we are working on it, but just because we do not know for a fact how something is being done, does not mean we will accept any crackpot theory / claims of how it was done.
Now the thing is, if you cannot answer the how, how can you answer the why? How can we claim to know the ultimate purpose, goal, task of such life?
My take is this: Fine I do not know how life began on earth, but since there is no particular reason to buy the intelligent design theory, I do not. When I look at the world around me I find it probable and not causal. From the quantum to the cosmic levels, there is a probability of an event occurring, not a certainty. I do not think that life was put here for a purpose. Life just is. It exists. That is the long and the short of it. There is nothing grand about it. No plan, no goal, no thought behind it. There is no intended purpose. Not in the traditional sense. Not to the best of my knowledge.
However it came to be, life has been evolving to survive a hostile environment forever trying to snuff it out. So if you insist on giving it a purpose then that is what it is - survival. Life strives to exist. The deer must learn to run faster than the fastest lion, and the lion must learn to run faster than the slowest deer. Trees, birds, insects, human beings must live long enough to pass their genes on, so the species can survive. What the species does with that survival is a different matter, as long as it lives; that is important.
And I guess that is where all that mumbo jumbo about being good, and helpful, and altruistic as the purpose of life comes from. You must live, that is the most important thing. However, while doing that, if you can help other members of your species live longer, become stronger, pass on more genes for natural selection to look at, more power to you. On the other hand if some cunning people can frighten or guilt you into doing more and more for the species, and giving up on, and sacrificing the heart of that which makes you you, then more power to them and really shame on you.
You did not ask to be here, you have no control on how long you stay, and how / when you leave. No one gave you an instruction manual when you got here, the rules of this game are not written anywhere. It is entirely up to you whether you choose to play along or not, and they are both equally acceptable responses. If it makes you while away your time here better, go ahead, pick a project, label that your purpose in life and spend the rest of your time doing it. To me it really does not matter. There is no purpose and I have made my peace with that.
No, it was not an easy peace to make. It gnawed at me for a long time. Why bother living in a purposeless universe? That used to be the first question I asked myself every time I concluded there was no purpose to life. It is another one of those things that I have made my peace with, let me try to explain my reasons without digressing too much.
You have two choices, you can choose to live or you can choose to die, there is no third option. I mean there are those people who choose to live and keep thinking about dying, but that is a very inefficient way of doing business if you ask me, unless of course you are still trying to decide which side you want to be. Just be sure to not get too comfortable sitting on the fence, you will have a very sore behind.
I must admit that for a while there, I very seriously considered the 'choose to die' option, but it did not add up in the end, because I figured there really was no reason to work so hard to reach an inevitability. You are going to die. Eventually, one day, some how, some time, some where. Its going to happen with or without your help. (It is like those game shows where you get to pick door 1 or door 2, only in this case door 2 is yours for sure, and the only question is weather or not you take 1 also.) Then it only makes sense to pick the 'choose to live' option, coz that way you get them both. you choose to live and then one fine day you die. Win - win, isn't it? Unless of course the door 1 ends up being a completely horrible place and then you are well within your rights to want to walk out. It is totally your decision, no one else -religion, law, society- should have any say in it.
Once you have decided to live in spite of the purposelessness of the world you live in, the next question is what do you do with this life. Now, at this stage of my life, my goal is to only do things that fall in these two categories a) things I want to do and b) things that allow me to do the things I want to do. Anything else just does not make sense. There is the third category, honoring prior commitments that I have already made as my younger more foolish self. But I guess that also falls in category a) because that is what I want to do - keep my promises, coz the day I decide to break them, there is really nothing anyone can do to stop me.
So that is how I want to live my life now. Yes, there are times when I lose my head and let other people guilt me into doing things that they want me to do, to the extent when for a while I actually start believing that that is what I should be doing too. But as I grow older the shackles seem to be coming apart. Even when I fall for it, I begin to see the fallacy sooner and can bring myself to rise out it. I have come to learn to be patient with myself, that logic is a slippery slope, and hence to forgive myself for my lapses in judgement and errors and for all the times I let other people make up my mind. I figure as long as I choose to live, I might as well do it myself. That is all I want from my life anymore.
And now I do not know how far I have digressed from the topic and if I have made anysense at all.
Back to the question: What is the purpose of Life? Here is the trouble with the question.
It is the wrong question to ask.
It automatically assumes that there is a purpose, and sends you on an entirely unnecessary wild goose chase. You would be much better off asking the question : Is there a purpose to life?
At which point I would ask you two things, a) define life, b) define purpose. Let me share my definitions.
Life as is generally accepted, is the sum total of all processes that distinguish the inanimate from the animate, the living from the dead, including but not limited to, an ability to reproduce, to metabolize food and make energy to do work, to adapt to the environment, and so on.
I agree that this is an over simplified definition of life and perhaps many biologists will not be too happy about it, but for the purposes of our discussion I am assuming that this will work and you will accept it, and will not insist on bogging me down with stuff like; is a mountain living? It is changing all the time, eroding, responding to its environment. Is an interstellar nebula living? It is taking material from its surroundings and going to give birth to a star now. umm... I don't know. Go ask the biologists. But I think even they don't know. So lets just stick to the commonsense view of life as the difference between me and the chair I am sitting on right now. I am alive and the chair is not. Okay?
Moving on. Purpose. To me purpose is the end goal in mind for which something is done, or created, or used etc.
For example a knife serves the purpose of cutting up something, depending on what the manufacturer wanted it to cut; a tomato knife, a bread knife, or the three thousand other types of knives they would like you to believe you need. You would assume that at some point in the manufacturing process, someone sat down and decided what the purpose of a particular knife would / should be, and then figured out the attributes it would need in order to better fulfill that said purpose - serrated or plain, small or big, fixed or a folding blade? Once all the details have been mapped in theory, someone goes about the actual process of taking the right kind of metal and forging the desired blade and attaches it to an appropriate handle and the knife is ready.
Not that the police knocks your door down if you cut a tomato with the bread knife. But they will, if you butcher someone with a combat knife and it won't help telling them that that was the purpose of the bloody knife, it was made to be a weapon. You as an intelligent 'living' thing can decide what you will use something for. You can take any sharp edged object and use it to cut something, if it does a good job then that can be its new purpose irrespective of whatever else it is supposed to be doing.
The above discussion yields two conclusions. a) in order for something to have a purpose it must have been created or used with a particular intention and the two do not have to coincide - the intention can change between the making and the using, and b) there has to be someone who is making the intention. A sharp stone in the wilderness will just lie there. It does not acquire the purpose of being a knife (a cutting tool) until someone picks it up and uses it to that end.
Now in order for you to think that all life has a purpose, you must believe that life was created with an end goal in mind, which will take you to believe there must be a creator, an intelligent being with not just the intent but also the ability to bring forth a certain kind of live being and make him/her do a particular task.
As much as the religions around the world would like you to believe that that is the case, come to think of it, there is no rational proof for the existence of such a being. Fact is, there is not much proof about any theory of the beginning of life. To the best of my knowledge all science can claim so far is that life originated on earth around 3.8 billion years ago. How? We have no real idea. We do not know for sure exactly what the conditions on earth were that long back, the stimuli, the starting materials, the phenomena that might have lead to spontaneous generation of 'life'. None of the experiments we have dreamt of so far have succeeded in reproducing life from scratch. In such murky waters I can understand the charm of the 'G'- word. The only trouble is that if you are going to start giving in to your imagination, its hard to stop. One delusion is as good as another, and then you can make up just about any purpose for life that suits you. That is exactly what the clergy has been doing for centuries.
Personally, I would much rather admit that we do not know exactly how life originated on earth. It is an unsolved problem, we are working on it, but just because we do not know for a fact how something is being done, does not mean we will accept any crackpot theory / claims of how it was done.
Now the thing is, if you cannot answer the how, how can you answer the why? How can we claim to know the ultimate purpose, goal, task of such life?
My take is this: Fine I do not know how life began on earth, but since there is no particular reason to buy the intelligent design theory, I do not. When I look at the world around me I find it probable and not causal. From the quantum to the cosmic levels, there is a probability of an event occurring, not a certainty. I do not think that life was put here for a purpose. Life just is. It exists. That is the long and the short of it. There is nothing grand about it. No plan, no goal, no thought behind it. There is no intended purpose. Not in the traditional sense. Not to the best of my knowledge.
However it came to be, life has been evolving to survive a hostile environment forever trying to snuff it out. So if you insist on giving it a purpose then that is what it is - survival. Life strives to exist. The deer must learn to run faster than the fastest lion, and the lion must learn to run faster than the slowest deer. Trees, birds, insects, human beings must live long enough to pass their genes on, so the species can survive. What the species does with that survival is a different matter, as long as it lives; that is important.
And I guess that is where all that mumbo jumbo about being good, and helpful, and altruistic as the purpose of life comes from. You must live, that is the most important thing. However, while doing that, if you can help other members of your species live longer, become stronger, pass on more genes for natural selection to look at, more power to you. On the other hand if some cunning people can frighten or guilt you into doing more and more for the species, and giving up on, and sacrificing the heart of that which makes you you, then more power to them and really shame on you.
You did not ask to be here, you have no control on how long you stay, and how / when you leave. No one gave you an instruction manual when you got here, the rules of this game are not written anywhere. It is entirely up to you whether you choose to play along or not, and they are both equally acceptable responses. If it makes you while away your time here better, go ahead, pick a project, label that your purpose in life and spend the rest of your time doing it. To me it really does not matter. There is no purpose and I have made my peace with that.
No, it was not an easy peace to make. It gnawed at me for a long time. Why bother living in a purposeless universe? That used to be the first question I asked myself every time I concluded there was no purpose to life. It is another one of those things that I have made my peace with, let me try to explain my reasons without digressing too much.
You have two choices, you can choose to live or you can choose to die, there is no third option. I mean there are those people who choose to live and keep thinking about dying, but that is a very inefficient way of doing business if you ask me, unless of course you are still trying to decide which side you want to be. Just be sure to not get too comfortable sitting on the fence, you will have a very sore behind.
I must admit that for a while there, I very seriously considered the 'choose to die' option, but it did not add up in the end, because I figured there really was no reason to work so hard to reach an inevitability. You are going to die. Eventually, one day, some how, some time, some where. Its going to happen with or without your help. (It is like those game shows where you get to pick door 1 or door 2, only in this case door 2 is yours for sure, and the only question is weather or not you take 1 also.) Then it only makes sense to pick the 'choose to live' option, coz that way you get them both. you choose to live and then one fine day you die. Win - win, isn't it? Unless of course the door 1 ends up being a completely horrible place and then you are well within your rights to want to walk out. It is totally your decision, no one else -religion, law, society- should have any say in it.
Once you have decided to live in spite of the purposelessness of the world you live in, the next question is what do you do with this life. Now, at this stage of my life, my goal is to only do things that fall in these two categories a) things I want to do and b) things that allow me to do the things I want to do. Anything else just does not make sense. There is the third category, honoring prior commitments that I have already made as my younger more foolish self. But I guess that also falls in category a) because that is what I want to do - keep my promises, coz the day I decide to break them, there is really nothing anyone can do to stop me.
So that is how I want to live my life now. Yes, there are times when I lose my head and let other people guilt me into doing things that they want me to do, to the extent when for a while I actually start believing that that is what I should be doing too. But as I grow older the shackles seem to be coming apart. Even when I fall for it, I begin to see the fallacy sooner and can bring myself to rise out it. I have come to learn to be patient with myself, that logic is a slippery slope, and hence to forgive myself for my lapses in judgement and errors and for all the times I let other people make up my mind. I figure as long as I choose to live, I might as well do it myself. That is all I want from my life anymore.
And now I do not know how far I have digressed from the topic and if I have made anysense at all.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What is the purpose of life?
I have had that discussion with a variety of people over the years. Way back in high school, in grad school, and now in playgrounds watching over our kids. Frankly, I am sometimes tired of the discussion. No, it is not the discussion per say or idea itself that tires me, it is an interesting enough question and yes, I know the answer to it, it is a problem I dealt with with when I was younger, I have solved it and as far as I am concerned I do have the right answer. I doubt there is much that anyone can say now that can radically alter my world view. I am not denying that there is a possibility of something like that happening, just saying that it is a very remote one at best.
All the same, it does not irritate me one bit when someone asks that question. May be they were too busy doing other stuff when they were younger and are only now getting around to dealing with the big stuff or perhaps they just are just curious to hear what I have to say or more likely they want to impress me with their own personal brand of zen wisdom or whatever else their excuse is it does not bother me in the slightest. Remember I am the kind of person who can watch the same movie twenty times and still laugh or cry.
So why do I get tired of the discussion sometimes you ask? Good question. What tires me is when someone does not understand their own question.
What is the purpose of life? Life in general or your own life in particular? What are you asking? With all due respect, I am not interested in figuring out what your life purpose is, if one exists that is. It is none of my business, it is your purpose, you figure it out and you don't need to tell me. Do not disguise your personal existential angst in to a grand philosophical inquiry. If that is what you want to talk about, say that. Say 'hey I am so confused, I don't know what I am supposed to do in life. I am fed up with my life, it is rotten and shitty and I hate everything that is around me.' Say that and as your friend I will listen to you, i will try my best to comfort you, to show you the silver lining (even if none exists), I will do my best to make all the right noises. No, I will not be able to answer you because like I said it is your purpose and only you can determine what it is, but I will be there with you while you struggle.
However, when you ask me the grand purpose of life in general question, then please in the name of all that is good and holy do not muddy it up by bringing your own emotions in to the argument.
And no do not even try to bring up the lame excuse of how you figured it out when you were younger and now things have changed. Nothing has changed in the last thirty years of your being here. More than likely you were on the wrong track, and hence by definition, had never really figured it out. If you had the right answer back then, then trust me it has not changed.
Life has existed on this planet for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay long before you ever showed up. The purpose of life (all life, not just yours) has nothing to do with you. It has not changed in the last 3.8 billion years with the first appearance of life on earth. To actually, truly answer that question you have to get off your high horse, and stop being so emotional about it. That's all I ask.
If you are going to ask a question, understand what you are asking first. Is this an emotional or an intellectual query? That is the question I ask someone when they bring this or any topic to me. Tell me how you want me to respond, and I will comply.
So, coming back to what tires me, is when people on the outset vehemently profess how they merely want to have a logical intellectual discussion and then in the end when the arguments start falling apart they begin resorting to 'Oh but I feel like there has to be a plan.' Or 'I feel like there is a god so there must be one.' 'It is intuitive.'
That is the time when I FEEL like swearing.
You loon!! Your trivial, puny, insignificant , unstable, irrational 'feelings' have nothing to do with anything. They have no bearing on the case. The universe does not care. The universe has got bigger fish to fry. No seriously, with all due respect, and at the risk of repeating myself, get off your high horse, and come walk with the rest of us.
And if you still want to feel then fine just let me in on the secret from the beginning so I can turn my feeling gene on too and stop looking for rationality. Don't make me sweat this out. Don't fool me into 'thinking' when you yourself have no intention of doing so. Is that really too much to ask?
All the same, it does not irritate me one bit when someone asks that question. May be they were too busy doing other stuff when they were younger and are only now getting around to dealing with the big stuff or perhaps they just are just curious to hear what I have to say or more likely they want to impress me with their own personal brand of zen wisdom or whatever else their excuse is it does not bother me in the slightest. Remember I am the kind of person who can watch the same movie twenty times and still laugh or cry.
So why do I get tired of the discussion sometimes you ask? Good question. What tires me is when someone does not understand their own question.
What is the purpose of life? Life in general or your own life in particular? What are you asking? With all due respect, I am not interested in figuring out what your life purpose is, if one exists that is. It is none of my business, it is your purpose, you figure it out and you don't need to tell me. Do not disguise your personal existential angst in to a grand philosophical inquiry. If that is what you want to talk about, say that. Say 'hey I am so confused, I don't know what I am supposed to do in life. I am fed up with my life, it is rotten and shitty and I hate everything that is around me.' Say that and as your friend I will listen to you, i will try my best to comfort you, to show you the silver lining (even if none exists), I will do my best to make all the right noises. No, I will not be able to answer you because like I said it is your purpose and only you can determine what it is, but I will be there with you while you struggle.
However, when you ask me the grand purpose of life in general question, then please in the name of all that is good and holy do not muddy it up by bringing your own emotions in to the argument.
And no do not even try to bring up the lame excuse of how you figured it out when you were younger and now things have changed. Nothing has changed in the last thirty years of your being here. More than likely you were on the wrong track, and hence by definition, had never really figured it out. If you had the right answer back then, then trust me it has not changed.
Life has existed on this planet for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay long before you ever showed up. The purpose of life (all life, not just yours) has nothing to do with you. It has not changed in the last 3.8 billion years with the first appearance of life on earth. To actually, truly answer that question you have to get off your high horse, and stop being so emotional about it. That's all I ask.
If you are going to ask a question, understand what you are asking first. Is this an emotional or an intellectual query? That is the question I ask someone when they bring this or any topic to me. Tell me how you want me to respond, and I will comply.
So, coming back to what tires me, is when people on the outset vehemently profess how they merely want to have a logical intellectual discussion and then in the end when the arguments start falling apart they begin resorting to 'Oh but I feel like there has to be a plan.' Or 'I feel like there is a god so there must be one.' 'It is intuitive.'
That is the time when I FEEL like swearing.
You loon!! Your trivial, puny, insignificant , unstable, irrational 'feelings' have nothing to do with anything. They have no bearing on the case. The universe does not care. The universe has got bigger fish to fry. No seriously, with all due respect, and at the risk of repeating myself, get off your high horse, and come walk with the rest of us.
And if you still want to feel then fine just let me in on the secret from the beginning so I can turn my feeling gene on too and stop looking for rationality. Don't make me sweat this out. Don't fool me into 'thinking' when you yourself have no intention of doing so. Is that really too much to ask?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
pyar hua hai jab se
mujko nahi chain aata
I love that line chup ke nazar se bhi tu dil se nahi jaata
it is one of those classic example of songs that sound so young and fresh when you listen to them and then you see the video and it just spoils everything for you. Or maybe that is just me.
I love that line chup ke nazar se bhi tu dil se nahi jaata
it is one of those classic example of songs that sound so young and fresh when you listen to them and then you see the video and it just spoils everything for you. Or maybe that is just me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai
I never liked this song earlier, I kinda thought it was one of those cheapo wedding songs you hear blaring at full volume, off key, वो जब गली में नीचे बारात निकलती थी types. Somehow this song got on my ipod and I think in the last few months I actually listened to the song, the lyrics, and Mohd. Rafi's flawless voice in it for the first time and I surprizingly like it . It's happy and cheerful and he maintains the mood inspite of some... well, not so inpiring lyrics. No, no, i am not saying the lyrics are bad, in fact parts of it are pretty good too... ख़ुशी के सपनो से सोलह सिंगार कि शादी है or even better एक चमन से देखो आज बहार कि शादी है... see that one I find sort of hmm... dreamy types... I think I just love mohd Rafi singing, he makes simple words sound philosophic ... अमीर से होतीं हैं, ग़रीब से होतीं हैं, दूर से होतीं हैं, करीब से होतीं है, मगर जहाँ भी होतीं हैं, ऐ मेरे दोस्त, शादियाँ तो नसीब से होतीं हैं.... आज मेरे यार कि...
I don't know its probably just the nostalgia of missing those barats in the gali. यहाँ तो गली में से किसी बारात नही निकलती न, हमारे मोह्हल्ले में किसी कि शादी नही हों रही और अगर होगी भी तो हमें इत्तला नही दी जाएगी... वो ज़माने गए.
I don't know its probably just the nostalgia of missing those barats in the gali. यहाँ तो गली में से किसी बारात नही निकलती न, हमारे मोह्हल्ले में किसी कि शादी नही हों रही और अगर होगी भी तो हमें इत्तला नही दी जाएगी... वो ज़माने गए.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The no name number ...
Here is what I do when I am in a pinch and I need a clean purse : I take all the garbage (read papers), throw them in a big zip lock bag, and label them as 'Purse contents such and such date' and then, well stash it somewhere and keep meaning to go through it on some date in the near future - I might as well come clean and admit that it never happens to be near! But it gives me great peace of mind knowing that nothing is lost. If I really need something, I can go through my zip log baggies.
Today, I cleaned three such bags and in one of them, I found this slip of paper with a phone number and no name next to it. That slip has been bothering me since then. No its not that big a deal, its some no. from somewhere, god knows whose it is, throw it, be done with the damned piece of paper. Fine, I did exactly that, the problem is the thought behind it.
Why would someone write a phone no. with no name next to it? What was I thinking at the time I did that? I am obviously smarter than that. Did I think it was so important there was no way I could forget whose number it was? Right! that was a good theory. Was it someone so unimportant I did not want to keep their no.? Then why bother taking it down in the first place. Any half brained dimwit would know to write the whole information, but apparently not me.
And then, to top it off, I am thinking I am going senile, coz I am worrying about the stupid piece of paper.
Argh!!
Today, I cleaned three such bags and in one of them, I found this slip of paper with a phone number and no name next to it. That slip has been bothering me since then. No its not that big a deal, its some no. from somewhere, god knows whose it is, throw it, be done with the damned piece of paper. Fine, I did exactly that, the problem is the thought behind it.
Why would someone write a phone no. with no name next to it? What was I thinking at the time I did that? I am obviously smarter than that. Did I think it was so important there was no way I could forget whose number it was? Right! that was a good theory. Was it someone so unimportant I did not want to keep their no.? Then why bother taking it down in the first place. Any half brained dimwit would know to write the whole information, but apparently not me.
And then, to top it off, I am thinking I am going senile, coz I am worrying about the stupid piece of paper.
Argh!!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
mujhse milo jab tum sapno me
This is a poem from that nineteen ninety eight frame of mind, or ninety nine or something, I cannot remember from when exactly, but whatever... you gotta read it in that frame of mind too...
मुझसे मिलो जब तुम सपनो में
क्यों जागूँ मैं फिर सुबहों में
जब झूठ लगे कोई सच से बेहतर
पाँव चलें कुछ रुक पैरों पर
जले साँस भी भीतर बाहर
लो फिर उलझे धुप का रेशम बालों से और
महके सूरज मुझको छु कर
मुझसे मिलो जब तुम सपनो में
मैं न जागूँ फिर सुबहों में
जन्मो पुरानी आस मेरी है
सोची नहीं मैंने कल परसों में
मुझसे मिलो जब अब सपनो में
रख जाना कोई छाप सुनहरी
अधरों पे वो रात तुम्हारी
साथ रहे जो तब तक मेरे
लंबे होते हों जब साए
दिन के ढले जब सांझ चले और
धूल उडे यूँ कुछ सडको पे
मुझ से मिलो जब
तुम सपनो में...
मुझसे मिलो जब तुम सपनो में
क्यों जागूँ मैं फिर सुबहों में
जब झूठ लगे कोई सच से बेहतर
पाँव चलें कुछ रुक पैरों पर
जले साँस भी भीतर बाहर
लो फिर उलझे धुप का रेशम बालों से और
महके सूरज मुझको छु कर
मुझसे मिलो जब तुम सपनो में
मैं न जागूँ फिर सुबहों में
जन्मो पुरानी आस मेरी है
सोची नहीं मैंने कल परसों में
मुझसे मिलो जब अब सपनो में
रख जाना कोई छाप सुनहरी
अधरों पे वो रात तुम्हारी
साथ रहे जो तब तक मेरे
लंबे होते हों जब साए
दिन के ढले जब सांझ चले और
धूल उडे यूँ कुछ सडको पे
मुझ से मिलो जब
तुम सपनो में...
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