I finally wrote my first short story., and two people read it. they both liked it, sort of, they are friends, I have to give them 20% discount.
There are things I need to do and I know that now. I don't know when I will do it, but whenever I can I will complete it. I will share it with others when I think it is complete, not before that. But.... I am mad that there is this issue now that people will think it is me.
Whether I show it to someone or whether I do not, I do not want the reason to be the fear of what they will think. My whole bloody life, I did not share my poems with people because of the fear of what they will think. I finally want to grow up, I finally want to stop caring about what anyone thinks.
I am so mad, I did not sleep well last night.
okay let us take a look at this. no body pays me to write, I don't show most of it to people - so not like I am getting an ego boost out of this, no body gives me extra time to do this, I write between making sabzi, running errands, and cleaning up. I think of an idea, I will fret over it while driving and then come home and pour it out, I stay up nights to do something and I still get up in the morning and it is business as usual. I am not taking anything away from anyone to do this.
What about the rest of my life? what do I do? I do not really enjoy doing dishes, but I do it, because I have to, I do pretend I enjoy cooking, but really day in day out, incessant lines of lunches dinners, no I do not enjoy this gadha - majduri ka kaam, but I do it, because I have to. Yes, I yell if anyone else does the laundry - not because it was my great ambition in life to do endless loads of laundry - but because "people" spoil my laundry, so I would rather do it myself, thank you very much. I do it because I have to.
My entire life, 90% of the things I do (and I am being conservative here) I do them because I have to, because I do not see a way around them, so I shut up and learn to enjoy doing them, I cope. Maybe I fool you, but I don't fool myself. I know what I am doing. I am existing. I am cutting time.
That was the one thing about writing something, I did not have to do it. It was not my job. If someone is going to tell me what I should and should not write about then I am not going to do it. Period.
Fine, take it away from me. I will not even fight it.
But if I am going to do it, I will do it my way. I will write about whatever it is that catches my fancy.
If I want to write some racy, steamy, fog-up-your-glasses-kind-of-a story then I will write that, if I want to write about some socially relevant woman's lib issue no one wants to talk about I will write that, if I want to write a star crossed, intense, love lorn poem I will write that. So help me God, I will.
After thirty one years of living my life compromising this is where I draw the line. This one time it is all or nothing. You don't get to say to me, कि तेरी भी मर्ज़ी पूछ रहें हैं हम. मेरी भी नहीं मेरी ही.
ये खडूसपना है तो ये खडूसपना है अब.
I am not refusing to live my social life, I will still cook and clean and do everything else, it is business as usual but after I don't know how many years I have felt this strongly about something.
And I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, its not like its getting published or something, and even if it does what is the big deal?
I don't know. फालतू भेजा ख़राब कर दिया मेरा।
In fact, I have a very good mind now to never write a foreword, why? why bother explaining anything of why I wrote what I wrote. You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and if my topics make you unhappy then
बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते है जी आपको।
अब कोई खुश हो या कोई रूठे... इस बात पर चाहे हर बात टूटे...
There are things I need to do and I know that now. I don't know when I will do it, but whenever I can I will complete it. I will share it with others when I think it is complete, not before that. But.... I am mad that there is this issue now that people will think it is me.
Whether I show it to someone or whether I do not, I do not want the reason to be the fear of what they will think. My whole bloody life, I did not share my poems with people because of the fear of what they will think. I finally want to grow up, I finally want to stop caring about what anyone thinks.
I am so mad, I did not sleep well last night.
okay let us take a look at this. no body pays me to write, I don't show most of it to people - so not like I am getting an ego boost out of this, no body gives me extra time to do this, I write between making sabzi, running errands, and cleaning up. I think of an idea, I will fret over it while driving and then come home and pour it out, I stay up nights to do something and I still get up in the morning and it is business as usual. I am not taking anything away from anyone to do this.
What about the rest of my life? what do I do? I do not really enjoy doing dishes, but I do it, because I have to, I do pretend I enjoy cooking, but really day in day out, incessant lines of lunches dinners, no I do not enjoy this gadha - majduri ka kaam, but I do it, because I have to. Yes, I yell if anyone else does the laundry - not because it was my great ambition in life to do endless loads of laundry - but because "people" spoil my laundry, so I would rather do it myself, thank you very much. I do it because I have to.
My entire life, 90% of the things I do (and I am being conservative here) I do them because I have to, because I do not see a way around them, so I shut up and learn to enjoy doing them, I cope. Maybe I fool you, but I don't fool myself. I know what I am doing. I am existing. I am cutting time.
That was the one thing about writing something, I did not have to do it. It was not my job. If someone is going to tell me what I should and should not write about then I am not going to do it. Period.
Fine, take it away from me. I will not even fight it.
But if I am going to do it, I will do it my way. I will write about whatever it is that catches my fancy.
If I want to write some racy, steamy, fog-up-your-glasses-kind-of-a story then I will write that, if I want to write about some socially relevant woman's lib issue no one wants to talk about I will write that, if I want to write a star crossed, intense, love lorn poem I will write that. So help me God, I will.
After thirty one years of living my life compromising this is where I draw the line. This one time it is all or nothing. You don't get to say to me, कि तेरी भी मर्ज़ी पूछ रहें हैं हम. मेरी भी नहीं मेरी ही.
ये खडूसपना है तो ये खडूसपना है अब.
I am not refusing to live my social life, I will still cook and clean and do everything else, it is business as usual but after I don't know how many years I have felt this strongly about something.
And I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, its not like its getting published or something, and even if it does what is the big deal?
I don't know. फालतू भेजा ख़राब कर दिया मेरा।
In fact, I have a very good mind now to never write a foreword, why? why bother explaining anything of why I wrote what I wrote. You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and if my topics make you unhappy then
बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते है जी आपको।
अब कोई खुश हो या कोई रूठे... इस बात पर चाहे हर बात टूटे...
8 comments:
Kahaan hai woh short story. I didn't read it :-(
The phase you are in is very close to awakening. I do not know you much but I am happy that you now know yourself very clearly.
Majority of population spend their entire life doing things that they have to do and that they can do(pata nahi kisko prove karna chahte hai), all those Can do books are total crap...because ultimate happiness is in what you want to do. For every person on this earth their is a unique profession(some may call it Purpose rather then Profession) according to his/her "WANT". You only need to find it. No not the profession I am saying you only need to find what exactly you want.
Just listen to your instincts everything else is of lesser importance than self discovery. Some may argue that for a mother her kid is of highest importance but for them aap ke wala बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते aur meri taraf say polite Shutup, I said self discovery, damn-it that life originated from me..and it is part of MYSELF.
Anyways whenever you write I will buy it for sure..haan thoda concession kar deyna, I do not earn much aur mai Delhi ka bhi to hoon:)
@Blogger: yaar! i want to make changes to it, it needs some more information in it, and these days i am working on a new story so i do not feel like going back to the old one, but when it is complete i will share it with you. though i am not sure if you will like it, it is violent in a way.
@gagan: oh I laughed so hard reading your post, theek hai, mai ek ek kar ke readers jama kar rahi hoon, aur chavvanni atthani me kya concession milega? main aise hi de dungi theek hai?
that post is the epitome of what my complete and utter rant looks like, i was just very mad that day, after writing it i felt better. I had come in to delete this post actually, coz ru wrote me an email saying what happened? I guess it sounds worse than it actually is, it is like those bad colored green juices, it smells bad, but it doesn't taste as horrible ;)
U laughed at it???
I must restrict myself to yr writings.
I'm glad it sounds worse than it actually is. Don't doubt yourself - your first short story was excellent, and I can't wait to share it with all the great women in my life. Please let me know when I can start doing so. What's so great about the story is that it addresses so many issues we women experience or can certainly relate to - it is a treasure trove of interesting conversation topics. Please do unleash it into the world soon :) And don't you worry about people thinking the story is about you - that level of immaturity is not worth catering to.
Whoever is trying to interfere with your writing and tell you what to write is very wrong. Don't give in.
And you're right, one of the toughest aspects of life is doing things we have to do. Even if we have a job we like, we may not always feel like doing it - yet we must, just to survive and live a decent life. I think what makes this so difficult is that it makes us feel imprisoned, enslaved - which is hard on our human nature that is so freedom-loving. This is a tough one - I haven't been able to think up a way around it yet - short of winning the lottery :)
@gagan: tch. I meant that in the nicest possible way.
@ Tania: Really? You are the one who put that notion in my had in the first place, then I asked Him, and now you turn give me a pep talk! Great!
:D
anyways, yes it just sounds worse than it is. I am okay with anything anyone thinks. you know that. Are we still on for Saturday?
Guilty as charged. But I was being immature - and you don't have to cater to immaturity, especially if it is coming from me. Sorry for being such a trouble-maker :(
-Tania
@Tania:
No Tania, you were not. What you said was a valid point, I had to deal with it at some point. What i said was in jest. I really thought I was being funny, but I guess some things sound way better in your own head. :)
so really I want to apologize for this. It is one of those things that I personally need to work on. My personal obscure sense of humor and how out of whack it is with everyone else.
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