I have no idea what that means? Auxiliary? sanctuary? Axillary? Ancillary?
I don't know. So I am not going to give it any points, because only fools pass judgment on things they do not understand. And I am nobody's fool.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
equinox
4/5
what? I like the word. I know it is straight forward for a number plate,but i like the idea of an equinox - equal night, the day and night are equal in length, isn't that romantic? aur main judge hoon, to hum to bhaiya chaar hi denge.
what? I like the word. I know it is straight forward for a number plate,but i like the idea of an equinox - equal night, the day and night are equal in length, isn't that romantic? aur main judge hoon, to hum to bhaiya chaar hi denge.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I want to stop writing, or do it my way only.
I finally wrote my first short story., and two people read it. they both liked it, sort of, they are friends, I have to give them 20% discount.
There are things I need to do and I know that now. I don't know when I will do it, but whenever I can I will complete it. I will share it with others when I think it is complete, not before that. But.... I am mad that there is this issue now that people will think it is me.
Whether I show it to someone or whether I do not, I do not want the reason to be the fear of what they will think. My whole bloody life, I did not share my poems with people because of the fear of what they will think. I finally want to grow up, I finally want to stop caring about what anyone thinks.
I am so mad, I did not sleep well last night.
okay let us take a look at this. no body pays me to write, I don't show most of it to people - so not like I am getting an ego boost out of this, no body gives me extra time to do this, I write between making sabzi, running errands, and cleaning up. I think of an idea, I will fret over it while driving and then come home and pour it out, I stay up nights to do something and I still get up in the morning and it is business as usual. I am not taking anything away from anyone to do this.
What about the rest of my life? what do I do? I do not really enjoy doing dishes, but I do it, because I have to, I do pretend I enjoy cooking, but really day in day out, incessant lines of lunches dinners, no I do not enjoy this gadha - majduri ka kaam, but I do it, because I have to. Yes, I yell if anyone else does the laundry - not because it was my great ambition in life to do endless loads of laundry - but because "people" spoil my laundry, so I would rather do it myself, thank you very much. I do it because I have to.
My entire life, 90% of the things I do (and I am being conservative here) I do them because I have to, because I do not see a way around them, so I shut up and learn to enjoy doing them, I cope. Maybe I fool you, but I don't fool myself. I know what I am doing. I am existing. I am cutting time.
That was the one thing about writing something, I did not have to do it. It was not my job. If someone is going to tell me what I should and should not write about then I am not going to do it. Period.
Fine, take it away from me. I will not even fight it.
But if I am going to do it, I will do it my way. I will write about whatever it is that catches my fancy.
If I want to write some racy, steamy, fog-up-your-glasses-kind-of-a story then I will write that, if I want to write about some socially relevant woman's lib issue no one wants to talk about I will write that, if I want to write a star crossed, intense, love lorn poem I will write that. So help me God, I will.
After thirty one years of living my life compromising this is where I draw the line. This one time it is all or nothing. You don't get to say to me, कि तेरी भी मर्ज़ी पूछ रहें हैं हम. मेरी भी नहीं मेरी ही.
ये खडूसपना है तो ये खडूसपना है अब.
I am not refusing to live my social life, I will still cook and clean and do everything else, it is business as usual but after I don't know how many years I have felt this strongly about something.
And I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, its not like its getting published or something, and even if it does what is the big deal?
I don't know. फालतू भेजा ख़राब कर दिया मेरा।
In fact, I have a very good mind now to never write a foreword, why? why bother explaining anything of why I wrote what I wrote. You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and if my topics make you unhappy then
बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते है जी आपको।
अब कोई खुश हो या कोई रूठे... इस बात पर चाहे हर बात टूटे...
There are things I need to do and I know that now. I don't know when I will do it, but whenever I can I will complete it. I will share it with others when I think it is complete, not before that. But.... I am mad that there is this issue now that people will think it is me.
Whether I show it to someone or whether I do not, I do not want the reason to be the fear of what they will think. My whole bloody life, I did not share my poems with people because of the fear of what they will think. I finally want to grow up, I finally want to stop caring about what anyone thinks.
I am so mad, I did not sleep well last night.
okay let us take a look at this. no body pays me to write, I don't show most of it to people - so not like I am getting an ego boost out of this, no body gives me extra time to do this, I write between making sabzi, running errands, and cleaning up. I think of an idea, I will fret over it while driving and then come home and pour it out, I stay up nights to do something and I still get up in the morning and it is business as usual. I am not taking anything away from anyone to do this.
What about the rest of my life? what do I do? I do not really enjoy doing dishes, but I do it, because I have to, I do pretend I enjoy cooking, but really day in day out, incessant lines of lunches dinners, no I do not enjoy this gadha - majduri ka kaam, but I do it, because I have to. Yes, I yell if anyone else does the laundry - not because it was my great ambition in life to do endless loads of laundry - but because "people" spoil my laundry, so I would rather do it myself, thank you very much. I do it because I have to.
My entire life, 90% of the things I do (and I am being conservative here) I do them because I have to, because I do not see a way around them, so I shut up and learn to enjoy doing them, I cope. Maybe I fool you, but I don't fool myself. I know what I am doing. I am existing. I am cutting time.
That was the one thing about writing something, I did not have to do it. It was not my job. If someone is going to tell me what I should and should not write about then I am not going to do it. Period.
Fine, take it away from me. I will not even fight it.
But if I am going to do it, I will do it my way. I will write about whatever it is that catches my fancy.
If I want to write some racy, steamy, fog-up-your-glasses-kind-of-a story then I will write that, if I want to write about some socially relevant woman's lib issue no one wants to talk about I will write that, if I want to write a star crossed, intense, love lorn poem I will write that. So help me God, I will.
After thirty one years of living my life compromising this is where I draw the line. This one time it is all or nothing. You don't get to say to me, कि तेरी भी मर्ज़ी पूछ रहें हैं हम. मेरी भी नहीं मेरी ही.
ये खडूसपना है तो ये खडूसपना है अब.
I am not refusing to live my social life, I will still cook and clean and do everything else, it is business as usual but after I don't know how many years I have felt this strongly about something.
And I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, its not like its getting published or something, and even if it does what is the big deal?
I don't know. फालतू भेजा ख़राब कर दिया मेरा।
In fact, I have a very good mind now to never write a foreword, why? why bother explaining anything of why I wrote what I wrote. You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and if my topics make you unhappy then
बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते है जी आपको।
अब कोई खुश हो या कोई रूठे... इस बात पर चाहे हर बात टूटे...
Saturday, March 14, 2009
why blackholes give me hope...
The single most hopeful thought I have had in the last four years, and you have to remember that I gave birth to a child less than four years ago, so I rate this thought even above that, on the scale of giving me hope, is - 'you can dump garbage in to a blackhole and actually get energy out of it.' I do not know the mechanics of how it works but boy, I remember reading this, walking in to my class and saying 'People there is hope.! We just might survive idiots.'
You see it wakes me up at night, the amount of garbage we produce,t eh number of landfills we have, I live in a city that has filled up all its landfills, we, put our garbage in a truck and drive it five-six hours to dump into another town, we pay a huge amount of money to this other town. And now people in that other town are waking up to the environmental hazard this is and saying, no matter what you pay us, we don't want your garbage. When the contract finally expires what are we going to do? (yes, I know I can worry about this all I want, but no one at the city council cares what I think, and I refuse totell them, coz I am not yet, one of those people who writes letters to all and sundry solving the world's problems. nope. I write a blog. )
And people, whoa they take my breath away, I know a lot of them, who still refuse to recycle, they will not reduce their consumption, and reuse? what is that?
You could cry yourself hoarse and it would not matter to them. People, they just don't listen, we need to figure out how to survive idiots and black holes, yes sir they are the solution. There that is why they give me so much hope.
I hope my daughter never takes offense to this, but darling, it gives me hope that your generation might figure something out and survive the mess mine has created.
You see it wakes me up at night, the amount of garbage we produce,t eh number of landfills we have, I live in a city that has filled up all its landfills, we, put our garbage in a truck and drive it five-six hours to dump into another town, we pay a huge amount of money to this other town. And now people in that other town are waking up to the environmental hazard this is and saying, no matter what you pay us, we don't want your garbage. When the contract finally expires what are we going to do? (yes, I know I can worry about this all I want, but no one at the city council cares what I think, and I refuse totell them, coz I am not yet, one of those people who writes letters to all and sundry solving the world's problems. nope. I write a blog. )
And people, whoa they take my breath away, I know a lot of them, who still refuse to recycle, they will not reduce their consumption, and reuse? what is that?
You could cry yourself hoarse and it would not matter to them. People, they just don't listen, we need to figure out how to survive idiots and black holes, yes sir they are the solution. There that is why they give me so much hope.
I hope my daughter never takes offense to this, but darling, it gives me hope that your generation might figure something out and survive the mess mine has created.
Friday, March 13, 2009
piya basanti re
This is the new song I love and hate, love coz I have been listening to it on a loop for a while now, and hate coz yeah I would like to stop if I could.
so I guess hate and love are not that mutually exclusive then, indifference now that is a whole new ball- game. you cannot have a strong emotion towards something and claim indifference too. Yes, that reminds me of T's fav dialogue Hate is not the opposite of Love, it is indifference.
yep. figures.
now back to piya basanti re, kaahe sataye aaja...
want a link? Personally i don't really like the video too much, it has potential but wasted, the story line is fine, but its not in the story now is it? its in the telling, the fun that is.
you are welcome :)
so I guess hate and love are not that mutually exclusive then, indifference now that is a whole new ball- game. you cannot have a strong emotion towards something and claim indifference too. Yes, that reminds me of T's fav dialogue Hate is not the opposite of Love, it is indifference.
yep. figures.
now back to piya basanti re, kaahe sataye aaja...
want a link? Personally i don't really like the video too much, it has potential but wasted, the story line is fine, but its not in the story now is it? its in the telling, the fun that is.
you are welcome :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Women I love
I started writing a dedication. I know! pehle kitab to likh lo.... but, if it ever gets written then this is who it is going to be dedicated to : Those amazing women in my life. I started writing it and I could not stop myself, it just kept coming.
To all those amazing women in my life:
My nani, dadi, my mom, massis, buas, mamis, chachis, tayees, mother-in-law, my sisters-in-and-outlaws and my wonderful friends
You hold in you the wisdom of centuries
You keep in you my stories, just like I carry yours with in me.
You taught me :
how to hope, to dream, to hold on
to walk gracefully and to run with abandon
to cook with my heart and to love with my soul
you share with me my pain
my pain of giving birth, of falling in love, of letting it all go
from you I learned how to lose gracefully, to step aside
to win with dignity, to make space for others
to walk into a room full of people and say how can I help?
to say you sit down, i will clean up this mess
you taught me that tomorrow is another day
life is not fair
and love
it does not last forever
yet it is worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
and men, no they are not perfect
men, they are not women
and yet they are worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
(yes, you have to fight other women for them, but hey! only so much fish in the pond)
that you have to do what you have to do
that death will still come for you
out of the blue
I will lose the ones I love
my work will never be done
I will grow old, my hair will fall, my skin will sag
and no amount of lotions or creams will stop that
that it is all in my head
this concept of heaven and hell
that shutting up is a skill worth mastering
that patience is a virtue of the strong
and that right no matter what can never be wrong
that salvation is a myth
time is eternal
and life
just goes on
Hope springs from your heart, love takes form in your eyes, and healing; it begins at your hands.
I try to break free and be different from you and yet am forever doomed to mimic your words, repeat your mistakes, and relive your histories.
It is beside you that I find peace in my wretchedness, deliverance from my demons, and absolution for my sins.
It is in you that I find me.
My nani, dadi, my mom, massis, buas, mamis, chachis, tayees, mother-in-law, my sisters-in-and-outlaws and my wonderful friends
You hold in you the wisdom of centuries
You keep in you my stories, just like I carry yours with in me.
You taught me :
how to hope, to dream, to hold on
to walk gracefully and to run with abandon
to cook with my heart and to love with my soul
you share with me my pain
my pain of giving birth, of falling in love, of letting it all go
from you I learned how to lose gracefully, to step aside
to win with dignity, to make space for others
to walk into a room full of people and say how can I help?
to say you sit down, i will clean up this mess
you taught me that tomorrow is another day
life is not fair
and love
it does not last forever
yet it is worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
and men, no they are not perfect
men, they are not women
and yet they are worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
(yes, you have to fight other women for them, but hey! only so much fish in the pond)
that you have to do what you have to do
that death will still come for you
out of the blue
I will lose the ones I love
my work will never be done
I will grow old, my hair will fall, my skin will sag
and no amount of lotions or creams will stop that
that it is all in my head
this concept of heaven and hell
that shutting up is a skill worth mastering
that patience is a virtue of the strong
and that right no matter what can never be wrong
that salvation is a myth
time is eternal
and life
just goes on
Hope springs from your heart, love takes form in your eyes, and healing; it begins at your hands.
I try to break free and be different from you and yet am forever doomed to mimic your words, repeat your mistakes, and relive your histories.
It is beside you that I find peace in my wretchedness, deliverance from my demons, and absolution for my sins.
It is in you that I find me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
shoot I need help
man! i got glue in my hair, वो गन्दी वाली fevicol types. quick tell me what to do.
yes I am all sorts of a donkey, डाँटना बाद में, पहले बताओ क्या करुँ?
yes I am all sorts of a donkey, डाँटना बाद में, पहले बताओ क्या करुँ?
teeli mecha
there is a term in punjabi teeli mecha. it means taking the width of a match stick to compare how what you did for me matches up to what I did for you. Are we even? I gave a gift of 50 dollars and you gave me 49 uh oh no good types. That's an analogy, it does not have to be just monetary, we compare love, do you love me as much as I love you? Why not? You have to love me back the same. The question is why? Why do I have to do it the same. I love you my way, you love me your way.
I did not do this at all when I was younger, then in the middle I started doing it. i don't know why. But now, as I am growing older, I do not do teeli mecha, most of the times, once in a while I get angry, I called her three times, she did not call me back, I will not call her again, but most of the times I have grown up.
If I want to call someone, I will call them, if I want to go meet some one, I will call them and ask if I can come over, I don't wait to be invited. Mera man kar raha to main baat karungi, tumhara man jab kare to tum kar lena, nahin jabardasti nahi hai, man nahi kare to saaf bol do ki nahin ji aapse baat nahi karni, I am fine with that. I am fine with anything upfront and straight forward. Ghuma fira ke bolo to mere ko samjh hi nahi aata, apna time waste karoge.
I find this very liberating. This is my mom's theory, she kept telling this to me all my life, there is a difference between knowing something and then really actually understanding it. I am free now. In all my relationships, family, friends, acquaintances, I do no record keeping. jo tera man kare vo tu kar, jo mera man kare vo main karoon.
Okay fir se, disclaimer, this is my ideal every now and then I slip, every now and then I get mad ki hudd hai mere phone ke jawab me phone nahi kiya. But those are my moments of weakness, that is not my ground state, I am getting excited and getting ahead of myself. But as long as I keep trying to come back to the normal, then I know where I am going in life. When I slip, atleast I know I need to get back on course and also, I am not mad at others then, I am only mad at myself, for letting something like that get to me. And i think it is infinitely better to mad at yourself than someone else.
I did not do this at all when I was younger, then in the middle I started doing it. i don't know why. But now, as I am growing older, I do not do teeli mecha, most of the times, once in a while I get angry, I called her three times, she did not call me back, I will not call her again, but most of the times I have grown up.
If I want to call someone, I will call them, if I want to go meet some one, I will call them and ask if I can come over, I don't wait to be invited. Mera man kar raha to main baat karungi, tumhara man jab kare to tum kar lena, nahin jabardasti nahi hai, man nahi kare to saaf bol do ki nahin ji aapse baat nahi karni, I am fine with that. I am fine with anything upfront and straight forward. Ghuma fira ke bolo to mere ko samjh hi nahi aata, apna time waste karoge.
I find this very liberating. This is my mom's theory, she kept telling this to me all my life, there is a difference between knowing something and then really actually understanding it. I am free now. In all my relationships, family, friends, acquaintances, I do no record keeping. jo tera man kare vo tu kar, jo mera man kare vo main karoon.
Okay fir se, disclaimer, this is my ideal every now and then I slip, every now and then I get mad ki hudd hai mere phone ke jawab me phone nahi kiya. But those are my moments of weakness, that is not my ground state, I am getting excited and getting ahead of myself. But as long as I keep trying to come back to the normal, then I know where I am going in life. When I slip, atleast I know I need to get back on course and also, I am not mad at others then, I am only mad at myself, for letting something like that get to me. And i think it is infinitely better to mad at yourself than someone else.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
indian unclejis
okay something happened today, i was at one of those places where you put a quarter to get a cart, you know those, so i was walking towards the carts and this woman offered me her cart, I gave her my quarter and she walked away, fine and dandy, then, when i was coming out, i barely unloaded my cart and this indian unlceji came out of nowhere and took my cart, I kinda felt good that unknown people can have that camaraderie, I take your cart you take my cart kind of something, he did not even ask me if he could? and he just gave me his money, i felt slightly bad, he gave me two dimes and a nickle, fine it adds up to 25 cents but I don't know, it don't make no quarter. He took my cart because he did not have a quarter and he did not tell me he did not have the right coin, bata ke karo na, main aise bhi jaane deti yaar, arre, main paise bhi nahi leti, par bina bataye kiya, achha nahi laga.
I guess he thought he was doing it to some indian auntyji, who did not deserve an explanation, that's the part i did not like, don't judge me for how I look. I don't know leaves a bad taste, indian men they do nonsense like that. for example they don't take directions from women. What? If you needed someone to read a map to save your life, trust me, i am your go to guy. Not to brag or anything but I can read a map in any language. I was in Holland for a week, all maps in dutch all street signs in dutch, I was on foot and taking buses, and I did not get lost once. But if you looked at me and thought, is aunty ko kya dutch map samajh aa raha hoga, to theek hai, socho, more power to you.
I guess he thought he was doing it to some indian auntyji, who did not deserve an explanation, that's the part i did not like, don't judge me for how I look. I don't know leaves a bad taste, indian men they do nonsense like that. for example they don't take directions from women. What? If you needed someone to read a map to save your life, trust me, i am your go to guy. Not to brag or anything but I can read a map in any language. I was in Holland for a week, all maps in dutch all street signs in dutch, I was on foot and taking buses, and I did not get lost once. But if you looked at me and thought, is aunty ko kya dutch map samajh aa raha hoga, to theek hai, socho, more power to you.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
spring is around the bend
It was a nice warm day yesterday, plus 17 or something, the day before was minus 12 or twenty, so ofcourse every one was outside. I cannot tell you how nice it felt to be able to wear real shoes! instead of the clunky snow boots or the runners, actual heels, they change the way you walk, its so prominent a change you cannot help but notice it. You have a waist!! it is almost a surprise.
And then there were kids - teenagers - putting up basketball hoops and wearing shorts. umm... loons! the snow! its coming back, it hasn't left for good, this is just one warm day in the middle. अब रामजी ने दिमाग नही दिया, तो that is a personal tragedy, उसे जगजाहिर करने कि क्या आवश्यकता है?
Okay sorry, wrong person to be asking that question I guess.
And then there were kids - teenagers - putting up basketball hoops and wearing shorts. umm... loons! the snow! its coming back, it hasn't left for good, this is just one warm day in the middle. अब रामजी ने दिमाग नही दिया, तो that is a personal tragedy, उसे जगजाहिर करने कि क्या आवश्यकता है?
Okay sorry, wrong person to be asking that question I guess.
Friday, March 6, 2009
ahh...
I scrubbed the walls today. The best thing to clean walls with ? Elbow grease. I gave it all I had, kept going, walls, doors, windows, जो आ गया रगड़ डालो. untill I was wasted.
So anyways, I told him, take me out to lunch, I cleaned all your walls. He says " I don't remember giving you a requisition to clean my walls." The audacity of the man!
अरे! "मैं पूछ पूछ के काम करतीं हूँ, whatever gave you that idea?"
Then I remember, the last ten years, मैं इनसे पूछ पूछ कर ही काम करतीं हूँ.
Now he gives me this stupid grin, "Where do you want to go?"
हद है! जहन्नुम में! ले चलोगे? इस जनमजले blackberry से फुरसत मिलेगी, जब न ले चलोगे, मैं तो मैं, जहन्नुम भी इंतज़ार करे इनका।
So anyways, I told him, take me out to lunch, I cleaned all your walls. He says " I don't remember giving you a requisition to clean my walls." The audacity of the man!
अरे! "मैं पूछ पूछ के काम करतीं हूँ, whatever gave you that idea?"
Then I remember, the last ten years, मैं इनसे पूछ पूछ कर ही काम करतीं हूँ.
Now he gives me this stupid grin, "Where do you want to go?"
हद है! जहन्नुम में! ले चलोगे? इस जनमजले blackberry से फुरसत मिलेगी, जब न ले चलोगे, मैं तो मैं, जहन्नुम भी इंतज़ार करे इनका।
Thursday, March 5, 2009
COFFEE C
Coffee c? coffee see!!! (? ) is that what it means? I don't know. But it has coffee in it to main to bhai saade teen no. doongi. 3.5/5
resisting temptation
There is this theory - i have no idea who proposed it for the first time, but I heard it from Gandhiji, so in my head this is his theory - that if you cannot control your mind then you control your body.
Let me try explaining it, and I will give you an analogy that I understand, for example if there is a piece of cake in front of me, I know I should not eat it, its only going to fill my blood with useless sugar, and no good has ever come of sugar floating around in the blood, so in theory I should not even want to eat that cake, I know its only going to hurt me, but does that work out in practice? Does knowledge really protect me? Does it give me any power over my weaknesses?
It doesn't matter what your particular drug of choice is - a cigarette, that one drink, or it could be a person to some people ;) its your personal temptation, you cannot help it. And don't let anybody else convince you that their temptation is still fine, yours is wrong. Bah! stuff and nonsense! A temptation is a temptation is a temptation there are no moral degrees to it, you fell for one or you fell for the other, you fell, period, now focus on getting up and moving on.
That is one thing I am very clear about in life, I do not judge people for what makes them lose their balance, I am just interested in seeing how they react to this loss, and how do they propose to regain control or may be they don't. They say, I am going to drink myself to death, jo rok sake vo rok le. And that is fine too. You have to admit there is a romance to Devdaas's self destruction, so really, I won't stop you, if you tell me you plan to do that too.
Getting back to the topic, assuming you do want to get back on track, then lets see how Gandhiji's idea works - this is from this book the story of my experiments with truth which was my bible when I was growing up, so i am writing from memory, and my own personal interpretation of it, so no body go around suing me for misquoting him, grr... the society we live in, you cannot say one sentence without a disclaimer! So anyways, - he says that if you cannot control your mind then you control your body. That is, let that piece of cake be in front of you, fine, you cannot stop wanting it right? Okay go ahead tell your mind to keep wanting it, but just tell him, we ain't gonna co-operate! The hands are not going to pick it, the mouth is not going to eat it -- that much I control. Then as you get more control, you move your head away from it, hell if you can, you get up and throw that lousy cake in the garbage, your mind can hanker all it wants, but you see, you control your body, and eventually, through the body you control your mind, un till it gives up. Classic non co-operation :D hai na fundu!!
It works!! I am telling you it does. I have used it to great success as a young girl. Only as you grow older you sometimes throw away even the tools that worked, or you put them in storage and forget that you had them.
Nope. Please. Next time you see me eating cake, don't you dare come up to me and say, why what happened to Gandhiji's theory, damn, I hate people like that, and may be I will not say anything to your face but I promise you I will hate you inside. Theory is theory and cake is cake .... अब ठीक है न , वो मूर्ख ही क्या, जिसको बात समझ आ जाए?
Let me try explaining it, and I will give you an analogy that I understand, for example if there is a piece of cake in front of me, I know I should not eat it, its only going to fill my blood with useless sugar, and no good has ever come of sugar floating around in the blood, so in theory I should not even want to eat that cake, I know its only going to hurt me, but does that work out in practice? Does knowledge really protect me? Does it give me any power over my weaknesses?
It doesn't matter what your particular drug of choice is - a cigarette, that one drink, or it could be a person to some people ;) its your personal temptation, you cannot help it. And don't let anybody else convince you that their temptation is still fine, yours is wrong. Bah! stuff and nonsense! A temptation is a temptation is a temptation there are no moral degrees to it, you fell for one or you fell for the other, you fell, period, now focus on getting up and moving on.
That is one thing I am very clear about in life, I do not judge people for what makes them lose their balance, I am just interested in seeing how they react to this loss, and how do they propose to regain control or may be they don't. They say, I am going to drink myself to death, jo rok sake vo rok le. And that is fine too. You have to admit there is a romance to Devdaas's self destruction, so really, I won't stop you, if you tell me you plan to do that too.
Getting back to the topic, assuming you do want to get back on track, then lets see how Gandhiji's idea works - this is from this book the story of my experiments with truth which was my bible when I was growing up, so i am writing from memory, and my own personal interpretation of it, so no body go around suing me for misquoting him, grr... the society we live in, you cannot say one sentence without a disclaimer! So anyways, - he says that if you cannot control your mind then you control your body. That is, let that piece of cake be in front of you, fine, you cannot stop wanting it right? Okay go ahead tell your mind to keep wanting it, but just tell him, we ain't gonna co-operate! The hands are not going to pick it, the mouth is not going to eat it -- that much I control. Then as you get more control, you move your head away from it, hell if you can, you get up and throw that lousy cake in the garbage, your mind can hanker all it wants, but you see, you control your body, and eventually, through the body you control your mind, un till it gives up. Classic non co-operation :D hai na fundu!!
It works!! I am telling you it does. I have used it to great success as a young girl. Only as you grow older you sometimes throw away even the tools that worked, or you put them in storage and forget that you had them.
Nope. Please. Next time you see me eating cake, don't you dare come up to me and say, why what happened to Gandhiji's theory, damn, I hate people like that, and may be I will not say anything to your face but I promise you I will hate you inside. Theory is theory and cake is cake .... अब ठीक है न , वो मूर्ख ही क्या, जिसको बात समझ आ जाए?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
live a little
I am eating my breakfast and watching TV, grrr... I hate that, watching TV in the morning that is, but the thing is I did not sleep all night, I woke up at 2 am and then lord... could not go back to sleep this has to do with getting old, because I used to be able to sleep on demand you know, ab dekho, ek baar utth jaao to phir neend nahi aati, was online for a while and then was reading so technically this is evening for me I have been up for ten hours already so watching TV is allowed. No, I am not trying to seek your permission, I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to watch TV with breakfast, it is one of those argh... things in my book.
anyways, I digress, I was saying that I just saw this song on TV an old one Saathiya ye tune kya kiya... Salman Khan- Revathy one, and boy is it fresh I loved it, it has put me in a good mood, coz I was grumpy.And I had this thought, I don't know how that is related to the song, but I know that the song triggered this thought, that when we are young, at least girls I don't know about men, but women, when we are younger, we are very restricted, very cautious, extremely careful, we think too much and do too little, that thing about paralysis by analysis that applies to us, that maybe we could have been more carefree, our society breeds this samjhdaar responsible girl stereotype that is horrific I think, they marry us off so young, we never really have a chance to find ourselves. It is sad when you think about it.
Someone I know just ended a 25 year old marriage, she was 22 when she got married, and the thing is i can see why that happened, you know you grow up and you realize, you have no freaking idea how you got here, you were trying to be so mature all your life, you never really had fun, ever.
That's what i want for young girls - my daughter's generation - to go out, make mistakes, take chances, fall in love, get hurt, live and learn, and not think and worry all the time.
अच्छा है दिल के पास रहे पासबान-ऐ-अक्ल
पर कभी कभी इसे तनहा भी छोड़ दे
anyways, I digress, I was saying that I just saw this song on TV an old one Saathiya ye tune kya kiya... Salman Khan- Revathy one, and boy is it fresh I loved it, it has put me in a good mood, coz I was grumpy.And I had this thought, I don't know how that is related to the song, but I know that the song triggered this thought, that when we are young, at least girls I don't know about men, but women, when we are younger, we are very restricted, very cautious, extremely careful, we think too much and do too little, that thing about paralysis by analysis that applies to us, that maybe we could have been more carefree, our society breeds this samjhdaar responsible girl stereotype that is horrific I think, they marry us off so young, we never really have a chance to find ourselves. It is sad when you think about it.
Someone I know just ended a 25 year old marriage, she was 22 when she got married, and the thing is i can see why that happened, you know you grow up and you realize, you have no freaking idea how you got here, you were trying to be so mature all your life, you never really had fun, ever.
That's what i want for young girls - my daughter's generation - to go out, make mistakes, take chances, fall in love, get hurt, live and learn, and not think and worry all the time.
अच्छा है दिल के पास रहे पासबान-ऐ-अक्ल
पर कभी कभी इसे तनहा भी छोड़ दे
euforia
ahhh kitne no. dene hain isko? i am going with 1.5 / 5 bas yahi theek hai, chalo bhai 2 de do 2/5 bas. aur nahi. euforia ...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A horrendous undertaking
I have a new found respect for all those prolific writers. I have no god damned idea how they do it. I had this short story in my head, and i had it all done quite a while back, in my head that is. i knew exactly how it starts and exactly where it ends and all the high points that happen along the road, yes the low ones too. I had thought it out really. I kept telling myself I could write it anytime, it was done, already. But, boy, was I wrong. You see it is a horrendous undertaking, eventhough I know what I want them to do, it takes so much to get them to do it. I take forever to write a paragraph, i keep living it in my head, i can see these people, hell I think I am becoming these people, but, lord, I am sorry, I am really at a loss of words - it is still not happening. Well, I guess that says it, how the heck are you supposed to write a story if you have gone done and lost all your words now. oh gosh. and i am not even thinking about the loooong story, the one i have NOT thought out in my head yet, the one that still has kinks in it, the one that is not adding up, even though T, god bless her heart, was nice enough to tell me that it does make sense. i thought that was the one that was gonna be the death of me, but here this little teeny tiny one isn't getting finished, And to top it off, I don't even have the time to write my blog everyday now, I feel bad for not writing the stutpid story and then I feel bad for not writing my blog. What is a girl gotta do?
3 july 09
Yaar! Ek to na main bhi bas. Melodramatic hi hoon. That story is done and now nothing else is being done. Why? coz now I think that was a beautiful story, how will i write something to match up to that? like I said, melodramatic ! to the core, i tell you. I cannot believe i was freaking out that much, so it is nice to read my own posts. right now I am freaking out about 'The rouge data point' I think I should abandon it, or forget everythign and write it with abandon. one of the two. Like I said somewhere else what's the point of writing if I am going to be so scared to do it?
3 july 09
Yaar! Ek to na main bhi bas. Melodramatic hi hoon. That story is done and now nothing else is being done. Why? coz now I think that was a beautiful story, how will i write something to match up to that? like I said, melodramatic ! to the core, i tell you. I cannot believe i was freaking out that much, so it is nice to read my own posts. right now I am freaking out about 'The rouge data point' I think I should abandon it, or forget everythign and write it with abandon. one of the two. Like I said somewhere else what's the point of writing if I am going to be so scared to do it?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
one too many mornings
I just found this video, it has them both!! Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan, so... life doesn't get better than this. Here I just had to share it.
It's a restless hungry feeling
That don't do no one no good,
And ev'rything I'm a-sayin'
You can say it just as good.
You're right from your side,
I'm right from mine.
We're both just one too many mornings
An' a thousand miles behind.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Blowin' in the wind
I really love this song, its way high up there on my list, I would have said it is mostly because of the lyrics, but that would not be entirely true, it also is because of Bob Dylan, and yes, I know some people would be offended by that statement, but really, I do not intend to be disrespectful. I do like Bob Dylan, a lot, actually.
Here the lyrics and a Youtube link to the song hope it works
Here the lyrics and a Youtube link to the song hope it works
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Mamma Mia, here I go again.
I like this song, I get it. Its that thing about resisting temptation - what ever it is for you - and your sheer helplessness in the face of it. How do you confront that?
Mine ? is a piece of delectable chocolate cake :( Mamma mia, does it show again? My my, just how much I've missed you. A lot. A whole lot. You have no freaking idea how much of a lot. And you are so lost in your own world, you will never realize I have missed you all this while, so there, the joke's on you too! hunh!
:D
though I guess it's still mostly on me -- Just one look and I can hear a bell ring, One more look and I forget everything....
Here are the lyrics, and ABBA's '76 rendition of the song, and yeah I liked meryl streep's version too.
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn? --- Nah! Not me!
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control -- yeah I don't know either
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh -- o-o-o-oh
I've been angry and sad about the things that you do
I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through
And when you go, when you slam the door
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, even if I say
Bye bye, leave me now or never
mamma mia, it's a game we play
Bye bye doesn't mean forever
Mine ? is a piece of delectable chocolate cake :( Mamma mia, does it show again? My my, just how much I've missed you. A lot. A whole lot. You have no freaking idea how much of a lot. And you are so lost in your own world, you will never realize I have missed you all this while, so there, the joke's on you too! hunh!
:D
though I guess it's still mostly on me -- Just one look and I can hear a bell ring, One more look and I forget everything....
Here are the lyrics, and ABBA's '76 rendition of the song, and yeah I liked meryl streep's version too.
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn? --- Nah! Not me!
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control -- yeah I don't know either
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh -- o-o-o-oh
I've been angry and sad about the things that you do
I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through
And when you go, when you slam the door
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, even if I say
Bye bye, leave me now or never
mamma mia, it's a game we play
Bye bye doesn't mean forever
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
jaane kyon log mohabbat kiya karten hain
i never liked this song too much earlier, as in.... you see I did not get the question, jaane kyon log muhabbat kiya karate hain , ummm... isn't it obvious ? Elementary my dear Watson - types. and in that sense I still feel that, no one goes out of their way to put themselves in harm's way, matlab theek hai na, ho jata hai, kya kar sakten hain, you just bite your tongue and suffer the consequences. I think Ghalib was right when he said
Ishq pe zor nahi hai ye vo aatish ghalib,
jo lagaye na lage aur bujhaye na bujhe.
So in that light really you do not get the blame for being in love, its not your fault, we will find someone else to blame. Later ;) n i have so much to say about this, I am going to write another post.
Anyways, I digress, I was telling you why I have begun liking this song now. Its mostly the way it is sung, the highs and the lows, and the way the lyrics go, they tell a story, parts of it so predictable , but the nice kind of predictable, that makes you feel good -- see, I knew this, types. For example this one here
saavan mein aankhon ko kitana rulaati hai
so you ask your self the question ki kya? kya rulati hai, and you already know the answer - kuch andaaz to hai aapko ki kya rulati hai, so when you hear the response
purakat mein jab dil ko kisi ki yaad aati hai
you feel good now, you knew it !! There - that is why I like this song, it gives me an ego boost, mujhe jawaab aaten hain, wah wah wah!
I guess there is more, like:
tanhaayi milti hai mehfil nahi milti
raah-e-mohabbat mein kabhi manzil nahi milti
see... to someone like me that sounds tempting? Were you trying to put me off? Ain't working bro!
and then I particularly like this part, listening to it,
mehaboob se har gum manasoob hota hai
din raat ulfat mein tamaasha khoob hota hai
raaton se bhi lambe
ye pyaar ke kisse
aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse
bemuravvat hai
bevafa hai vo
us sitamagar ka
apne dilabar ka
naam le le ke duhaayi diya karate hain
I so completely disagree with it on an intelectual plane, as in its too sexist, aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse, arre? what about men? are men not unfaithful? phir ? lopsided kyon? anyways, sometime you can keep your politics aside and just listen to a song. Or perhaps, most of the times :)
Ishq pe zor nahi hai ye vo aatish ghalib,
jo lagaye na lage aur bujhaye na bujhe.
So in that light really you do not get the blame for being in love, its not your fault, we will find someone else to blame. Later ;) n i have so much to say about this, I am going to write another post.
Anyways, I digress, I was telling you why I have begun liking this song now. Its mostly the way it is sung, the highs and the lows, and the way the lyrics go, they tell a story, parts of it so predictable , but the nice kind of predictable, that makes you feel good -- see, I knew this, types. For example this one here
saavan mein aankhon ko kitana rulaati hai
so you ask your self the question ki kya? kya rulati hai, and you already know the answer - kuch andaaz to hai aapko ki kya rulati hai, so when you hear the response
purakat mein jab dil ko kisi ki yaad aati hai
you feel good now, you knew it !! There - that is why I like this song, it gives me an ego boost, mujhe jawaab aaten hain, wah wah wah!
I guess there is more, like:
tanhaayi milti hai mehfil nahi milti
raah-e-mohabbat mein kabhi manzil nahi milti
see... to someone like me that sounds tempting? Were you trying to put me off? Ain't working bro!
and then I particularly like this part, listening to it,
mehaboob se har gum manasoob hota hai
din raat ulfat mein tamaasha khoob hota hai
raaton se bhi lambe
ye pyaar ke kisse
aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse
bemuravvat hai
bevafa hai vo
us sitamagar ka
apne dilabar ka
naam le le ke duhaayi diya karate hain
I so completely disagree with it on an intelectual plane, as in its too sexist, aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse, arre? what about men? are men not unfaithful? phir ? lopsided kyon? anyways, sometime you can keep your politics aside and just listen to a song. Or perhaps, most of the times :)
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