I love this song, its just... beautiful, a bit too idealistic, but, yeah, that is not a flaw in my book so...
I love that part
हम अकेले हैं, शहनाईयां चुप हैं, तो कंगना बोलता है
तू जो चलती है, छोटे से आँगन में, चमन सा डोलता हैं
आज घर हम ने, मिलन के रंग से संवारा है
here a you tube link, I could not find the video if you have one send me the link.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Chitralekha
This just has to be one of my most favourite books ever. Chitralekha by Bhagvatisharan Verma. It has been a while since I read it, and I am horrible with names, so I do not remember any, but the premise and the treatment of the subject matter was so beautiful, it has stayed with me forever. in my own words this is what the story is, and even at the risk of repeating myself, because I say this all the time, its not the story, it the telling that makes a great book. Still...
Two students of a sage ask him which is the more noble path - that of a householder or that of an ascetic? The sage takes them and leaves one in the home of a merchant and another with an ascetic, asking them to observe the life and motivations of both and come to their own conclusions. I don't remember the details much, but the merchant who spends a lot of time with the courtesan 'Chitralekha' comes across as a worldly man with worldly vices, whereas the ascetic spends most of his time in prayers.
Their lives intersect over the courtesan who is looked down upon by the asectic, she challenges his understanding of God, that if he shuns the world is he not rejecting the lord's creation, and is that not an insult to the maker himself? The merchant does not interfere in the continuing battle of wits between the two. Again I am dicey on the details but over the course of the next year, Chitralekha begins to be ashamed of her life lived in the pursuit of sensual pleasures, and goes to the ascetic to take her in and help her get out of this life of sin. The ascetic does, but later falls for her and then blames her for his own degradation. I don't remember what the two do after, I think the ascetic runs away, or does he kill himself? or does she? i can't remember, essentially it is the mutual downfall of the two of them, each dragging the other.
Chitalekha who was never ashamed of her own choices in life begins to doubt herself because of some clever arguments by a man of God, and is then crest fallen to find him as frail, weak, and human as any other man she has ever known. And the ascetic on the other hand realizing that it was one thing to be give lectures on celebacy when he had never been near a woman and quite another to look temptation in the eye and say thanks, but no thanks. The irony of it, that they both fall for actions they always knew were wrong. To me the story is a testament to the fact that arguments do not always come from a place of understanding. We can yell and shout and defend our own point of view to death, without ever internalizing the concepts, or being on a solid footing ourselves. That it is very easy to be duped by glibness of word, but it is not always supported by action. The whole idea of not calling any man great till he is dead, because you don't know what turn he is going to slip at.
And in the midst of all these righteous, loud mouthed defenders of their own beliefs, is the merchant. He lives a life of comfort, he does what he wants and he does not defend himself. People criticize him for drinking, for spending nights at Chitralekha's home, for not being a pious religious man and he does not seem to care. He loves her. He continues to love her through everything that happens to her. He loves her when people call her names, he loves her when she mocks the ascetic, he loves her when she loathes herself, he loves her when she leaves him and her riches to be with the ascetic and he loves her when the ascetic casts her away. He loves her in spite of what anyone else thinks, including herself.
In the end, it is his understanding of life and love,duty and passion, and right and wrong that comes across as the sanest and the most natural one. It is the slow and gradual growth of his character that is the most stunning part of the book.
Two students of a sage ask him which is the more noble path - that of a householder or that of an ascetic? The sage takes them and leaves one in the home of a merchant and another with an ascetic, asking them to observe the life and motivations of both and come to their own conclusions. I don't remember the details much, but the merchant who spends a lot of time with the courtesan 'Chitralekha' comes across as a worldly man with worldly vices, whereas the ascetic spends most of his time in prayers.
Their lives intersect over the courtesan who is looked down upon by the asectic, she challenges his understanding of God, that if he shuns the world is he not rejecting the lord's creation, and is that not an insult to the maker himself? The merchant does not interfere in the continuing battle of wits between the two. Again I am dicey on the details but over the course of the next year, Chitralekha begins to be ashamed of her life lived in the pursuit of sensual pleasures, and goes to the ascetic to take her in and help her get out of this life of sin. The ascetic does, but later falls for her and then blames her for his own degradation. I don't remember what the two do after, I think the ascetic runs away, or does he kill himself? or does she? i can't remember, essentially it is the mutual downfall of the two of them, each dragging the other.
Chitalekha who was never ashamed of her own choices in life begins to doubt herself because of some clever arguments by a man of God, and is then crest fallen to find him as frail, weak, and human as any other man she has ever known. And the ascetic on the other hand realizing that it was one thing to be give lectures on celebacy when he had never been near a woman and quite another to look temptation in the eye and say thanks, but no thanks. The irony of it, that they both fall for actions they always knew were wrong. To me the story is a testament to the fact that arguments do not always come from a place of understanding. We can yell and shout and defend our own point of view to death, without ever internalizing the concepts, or being on a solid footing ourselves. That it is very easy to be duped by glibness of word, but it is not always supported by action. The whole idea of not calling any man great till he is dead, because you don't know what turn he is going to slip at.
And in the midst of all these righteous, loud mouthed defenders of their own beliefs, is the merchant. He lives a life of comfort, he does what he wants and he does not defend himself. People criticize him for drinking, for spending nights at Chitralekha's home, for not being a pious religious man and he does not seem to care. He loves her. He continues to love her through everything that happens to her. He loves her when people call her names, he loves her when she mocks the ascetic, he loves her when she loathes herself, he loves her when she leaves him and her riches to be with the ascetic and he loves her when the ascetic casts her away. He loves her in spite of what anyone else thinks, including herself.
In the end, it is his understanding of life and love,duty and passion, and right and wrong that comes across as the sanest and the most natural one. It is the slow and gradual growth of his character that is the most stunning part of the book.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Axuari
I have no idea what that means? Auxiliary? sanctuary? Axillary? Ancillary?
I don't know. So I am not going to give it any points, because only fools pass judgment on things they do not understand. And I am nobody's fool.
I don't know. So I am not going to give it any points, because only fools pass judgment on things they do not understand. And I am nobody's fool.
equinox
4/5
what? I like the word. I know it is straight forward for a number plate,but i like the idea of an equinox - equal night, the day and night are equal in length, isn't that romantic? aur main judge hoon, to hum to bhaiya chaar hi denge.
what? I like the word. I know it is straight forward for a number plate,but i like the idea of an equinox - equal night, the day and night are equal in length, isn't that romantic? aur main judge hoon, to hum to bhaiya chaar hi denge.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I want to stop writing, or do it my way only.
I finally wrote my first short story., and two people read it. they both liked it, sort of, they are friends, I have to give them 20% discount.
There are things I need to do and I know that now. I don't know when I will do it, but whenever I can I will complete it. I will share it with others when I think it is complete, not before that. But.... I am mad that there is this issue now that people will think it is me.
Whether I show it to someone or whether I do not, I do not want the reason to be the fear of what they will think. My whole bloody life, I did not share my poems with people because of the fear of what they will think. I finally want to grow up, I finally want to stop caring about what anyone thinks.
I am so mad, I did not sleep well last night.
okay let us take a look at this. no body pays me to write, I don't show most of it to people - so not like I am getting an ego boost out of this, no body gives me extra time to do this, I write between making sabzi, running errands, and cleaning up. I think of an idea, I will fret over it while driving and then come home and pour it out, I stay up nights to do something and I still get up in the morning and it is business as usual. I am not taking anything away from anyone to do this.
What about the rest of my life? what do I do? I do not really enjoy doing dishes, but I do it, because I have to, I do pretend I enjoy cooking, but really day in day out, incessant lines of lunches dinners, no I do not enjoy this gadha - majduri ka kaam, but I do it, because I have to. Yes, I yell if anyone else does the laundry - not because it was my great ambition in life to do endless loads of laundry - but because "people" spoil my laundry, so I would rather do it myself, thank you very much. I do it because I have to.
My entire life, 90% of the things I do (and I am being conservative here) I do them because I have to, because I do not see a way around them, so I shut up and learn to enjoy doing them, I cope. Maybe I fool you, but I don't fool myself. I know what I am doing. I am existing. I am cutting time.
That was the one thing about writing something, I did not have to do it. It was not my job. If someone is going to tell me what I should and should not write about then I am not going to do it. Period.
Fine, take it away from me. I will not even fight it.
But if I am going to do it, I will do it my way. I will write about whatever it is that catches my fancy.
If I want to write some racy, steamy, fog-up-your-glasses-kind-of-a story then I will write that, if I want to write about some socially relevant woman's lib issue no one wants to talk about I will write that, if I want to write a star crossed, intense, love lorn poem I will write that. So help me God, I will.
After thirty one years of living my life compromising this is where I draw the line. This one time it is all or nothing. You don't get to say to me, कि तेरी भी मर्ज़ी पूछ रहें हैं हम. मेरी भी नहीं मेरी ही.
ये खडूसपना है तो ये खडूसपना है अब.
I am not refusing to live my social life, I will still cook and clean and do everything else, it is business as usual but after I don't know how many years I have felt this strongly about something.
And I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, its not like its getting published or something, and even if it does what is the big deal?
I don't know. फालतू भेजा ख़राब कर दिया मेरा।
In fact, I have a very good mind now to never write a foreword, why? why bother explaining anything of why I wrote what I wrote. You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and if my topics make you unhappy then
बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते है जी आपको।
अब कोई खुश हो या कोई रूठे... इस बात पर चाहे हर बात टूटे...
There are things I need to do and I know that now. I don't know when I will do it, but whenever I can I will complete it. I will share it with others when I think it is complete, not before that. But.... I am mad that there is this issue now that people will think it is me.
Whether I show it to someone or whether I do not, I do not want the reason to be the fear of what they will think. My whole bloody life, I did not share my poems with people because of the fear of what they will think. I finally want to grow up, I finally want to stop caring about what anyone thinks.
I am so mad, I did not sleep well last night.
okay let us take a look at this. no body pays me to write, I don't show most of it to people - so not like I am getting an ego boost out of this, no body gives me extra time to do this, I write between making sabzi, running errands, and cleaning up. I think of an idea, I will fret over it while driving and then come home and pour it out, I stay up nights to do something and I still get up in the morning and it is business as usual. I am not taking anything away from anyone to do this.
What about the rest of my life? what do I do? I do not really enjoy doing dishes, but I do it, because I have to, I do pretend I enjoy cooking, but really day in day out, incessant lines of lunches dinners, no I do not enjoy this gadha - majduri ka kaam, but I do it, because I have to. Yes, I yell if anyone else does the laundry - not because it was my great ambition in life to do endless loads of laundry - but because "people" spoil my laundry, so I would rather do it myself, thank you very much. I do it because I have to.
My entire life, 90% of the things I do (and I am being conservative here) I do them because I have to, because I do not see a way around them, so I shut up and learn to enjoy doing them, I cope. Maybe I fool you, but I don't fool myself. I know what I am doing. I am existing. I am cutting time.
That was the one thing about writing something, I did not have to do it. It was not my job. If someone is going to tell me what I should and should not write about then I am not going to do it. Period.
Fine, take it away from me. I will not even fight it.
But if I am going to do it, I will do it my way. I will write about whatever it is that catches my fancy.
If I want to write some racy, steamy, fog-up-your-glasses-kind-of-a story then I will write that, if I want to write about some socially relevant woman's lib issue no one wants to talk about I will write that, if I want to write a star crossed, intense, love lorn poem I will write that. So help me God, I will.
After thirty one years of living my life compromising this is where I draw the line. This one time it is all or nothing. You don't get to say to me, कि तेरी भी मर्ज़ी पूछ रहें हैं हम. मेरी भी नहीं मेरी ही.
ये खडूसपना है तो ये खडूसपना है अब.
I am not refusing to live my social life, I will still cook and clean and do everything else, it is business as usual but after I don't know how many years I have felt this strongly about something.
And I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, its not like its getting published or something, and even if it does what is the big deal?
I don't know. फालतू भेजा ख़राब कर दिया मेरा।
In fact, I have a very good mind now to never write a foreword, why? why bother explaining anything of why I wrote what I wrote. You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and if my topics make you unhappy then
बहुत सन्मान पूर्वक नमस्ते है जी आपको।
अब कोई खुश हो या कोई रूठे... इस बात पर चाहे हर बात टूटे...
Saturday, March 14, 2009
why blackholes give me hope...
The single most hopeful thought I have had in the last four years, and you have to remember that I gave birth to a child less than four years ago, so I rate this thought even above that, on the scale of giving me hope, is - 'you can dump garbage in to a blackhole and actually get energy out of it.' I do not know the mechanics of how it works but boy, I remember reading this, walking in to my class and saying 'People there is hope.! We just might survive idiots.'
You see it wakes me up at night, the amount of garbage we produce,t eh number of landfills we have, I live in a city that has filled up all its landfills, we, put our garbage in a truck and drive it five-six hours to dump into another town, we pay a huge amount of money to this other town. And now people in that other town are waking up to the environmental hazard this is and saying, no matter what you pay us, we don't want your garbage. When the contract finally expires what are we going to do? (yes, I know I can worry about this all I want, but no one at the city council cares what I think, and I refuse totell them, coz I am not yet, one of those people who writes letters to all and sundry solving the world's problems. nope. I write a blog. )
And people, whoa they take my breath away, I know a lot of them, who still refuse to recycle, they will not reduce their consumption, and reuse? what is that?
You could cry yourself hoarse and it would not matter to them. People, they just don't listen, we need to figure out how to survive idiots and black holes, yes sir they are the solution. There that is why they give me so much hope.
I hope my daughter never takes offense to this, but darling, it gives me hope that your generation might figure something out and survive the mess mine has created.
You see it wakes me up at night, the amount of garbage we produce,t eh number of landfills we have, I live in a city that has filled up all its landfills, we, put our garbage in a truck and drive it five-six hours to dump into another town, we pay a huge amount of money to this other town. And now people in that other town are waking up to the environmental hazard this is and saying, no matter what you pay us, we don't want your garbage. When the contract finally expires what are we going to do? (yes, I know I can worry about this all I want, but no one at the city council cares what I think, and I refuse totell them, coz I am not yet, one of those people who writes letters to all and sundry solving the world's problems. nope. I write a blog. )
And people, whoa they take my breath away, I know a lot of them, who still refuse to recycle, they will not reduce their consumption, and reuse? what is that?
You could cry yourself hoarse and it would not matter to them. People, they just don't listen, we need to figure out how to survive idiots and black holes, yes sir they are the solution. There that is why they give me so much hope.
I hope my daughter never takes offense to this, but darling, it gives me hope that your generation might figure something out and survive the mess mine has created.
Friday, March 13, 2009
piya basanti re
This is the new song I love and hate, love coz I have been listening to it on a loop for a while now, and hate coz yeah I would like to stop if I could.
so I guess hate and love are not that mutually exclusive then, indifference now that is a whole new ball- game. you cannot have a strong emotion towards something and claim indifference too. Yes, that reminds me of T's fav dialogue Hate is not the opposite of Love, it is indifference.
yep. figures.
now back to piya basanti re, kaahe sataye aaja...
want a link? Personally i don't really like the video too much, it has potential but wasted, the story line is fine, but its not in the story now is it? its in the telling, the fun that is.
you are welcome :)
so I guess hate and love are not that mutually exclusive then, indifference now that is a whole new ball- game. you cannot have a strong emotion towards something and claim indifference too. Yes, that reminds me of T's fav dialogue Hate is not the opposite of Love, it is indifference.
yep. figures.
now back to piya basanti re, kaahe sataye aaja...
want a link? Personally i don't really like the video too much, it has potential but wasted, the story line is fine, but its not in the story now is it? its in the telling, the fun that is.
you are welcome :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Women I love
I started writing a dedication. I know! pehle kitab to likh lo.... but, if it ever gets written then this is who it is going to be dedicated to : Those amazing women in my life. I started writing it and I could not stop myself, it just kept coming.
To all those amazing women in my life:
My nani, dadi, my mom, massis, buas, mamis, chachis, tayees, mother-in-law, my sisters-in-and-outlaws and my wonderful friends
You hold in you the wisdom of centuries
You keep in you my stories, just like I carry yours with in me.
You taught me :
how to hope, to dream, to hold on
to walk gracefully and to run with abandon
to cook with my heart and to love with my soul
you share with me my pain
my pain of giving birth, of falling in love, of letting it all go
from you I learned how to lose gracefully, to step aside
to win with dignity, to make space for others
to walk into a room full of people and say how can I help?
to say you sit down, i will clean up this mess
you taught me that tomorrow is another day
life is not fair
and love
it does not last forever
yet it is worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
and men, no they are not perfect
men, they are not women
and yet they are worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
(yes, you have to fight other women for them, but hey! only so much fish in the pond)
that you have to do what you have to do
that death will still come for you
out of the blue
I will lose the ones I love
my work will never be done
I will grow old, my hair will fall, my skin will sag
and no amount of lotions or creams will stop that
that it is all in my head
this concept of heaven and hell
that shutting up is a skill worth mastering
that patience is a virtue of the strong
and that right no matter what can never be wrong
that salvation is a myth
time is eternal
and life
just goes on
Hope springs from your heart, love takes form in your eyes, and healing; it begins at your hands.
I try to break free and be different from you and yet am forever doomed to mimic your words, repeat your mistakes, and relive your histories.
It is beside you that I find peace in my wretchedness, deliverance from my demons, and absolution for my sins.
It is in you that I find me.
My nani, dadi, my mom, massis, buas, mamis, chachis, tayees, mother-in-law, my sisters-in-and-outlaws and my wonderful friends
You hold in you the wisdom of centuries
You keep in you my stories, just like I carry yours with in me.
You taught me :
how to hope, to dream, to hold on
to walk gracefully and to run with abandon
to cook with my heart and to love with my soul
you share with me my pain
my pain of giving birth, of falling in love, of letting it all go
from you I learned how to lose gracefully, to step aside
to win with dignity, to make space for others
to walk into a room full of people and say how can I help?
to say you sit down, i will clean up this mess
you taught me that tomorrow is another day
life is not fair
and love
it does not last forever
yet it is worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
and men, no they are not perfect
men, they are not women
and yet they are worth having, worth wanting and worth fighting for
(yes, you have to fight other women for them, but hey! only so much fish in the pond)
that you have to do what you have to do
that death will still come for you
out of the blue
I will lose the ones I love
my work will never be done
I will grow old, my hair will fall, my skin will sag
and no amount of lotions or creams will stop that
that it is all in my head
this concept of heaven and hell
that shutting up is a skill worth mastering
that patience is a virtue of the strong
and that right no matter what can never be wrong
that salvation is a myth
time is eternal
and life
just goes on
Hope springs from your heart, love takes form in your eyes, and healing; it begins at your hands.
I try to break free and be different from you and yet am forever doomed to mimic your words, repeat your mistakes, and relive your histories.
It is beside you that I find peace in my wretchedness, deliverance from my demons, and absolution for my sins.
It is in you that I find me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
shoot I need help
man! i got glue in my hair, वो गन्दी वाली fevicol types. quick tell me what to do.
yes I am all sorts of a donkey, डाँटना बाद में, पहले बताओ क्या करुँ?
yes I am all sorts of a donkey, डाँटना बाद में, पहले बताओ क्या करुँ?
teeli mecha
there is a term in punjabi teeli mecha. it means taking the width of a match stick to compare how what you did for me matches up to what I did for you. Are we even? I gave a gift of 50 dollars and you gave me 49 uh oh no good types. That's an analogy, it does not have to be just monetary, we compare love, do you love me as much as I love you? Why not? You have to love me back the same. The question is why? Why do I have to do it the same. I love you my way, you love me your way.
I did not do this at all when I was younger, then in the middle I started doing it. i don't know why. But now, as I am growing older, I do not do teeli mecha, most of the times, once in a while I get angry, I called her three times, she did not call me back, I will not call her again, but most of the times I have grown up.
If I want to call someone, I will call them, if I want to go meet some one, I will call them and ask if I can come over, I don't wait to be invited. Mera man kar raha to main baat karungi, tumhara man jab kare to tum kar lena, nahin jabardasti nahi hai, man nahi kare to saaf bol do ki nahin ji aapse baat nahi karni, I am fine with that. I am fine with anything upfront and straight forward. Ghuma fira ke bolo to mere ko samjh hi nahi aata, apna time waste karoge.
I find this very liberating. This is my mom's theory, she kept telling this to me all my life, there is a difference between knowing something and then really actually understanding it. I am free now. In all my relationships, family, friends, acquaintances, I do no record keeping. jo tera man kare vo tu kar, jo mera man kare vo main karoon.
Okay fir se, disclaimer, this is my ideal every now and then I slip, every now and then I get mad ki hudd hai mere phone ke jawab me phone nahi kiya. But those are my moments of weakness, that is not my ground state, I am getting excited and getting ahead of myself. But as long as I keep trying to come back to the normal, then I know where I am going in life. When I slip, atleast I know I need to get back on course and also, I am not mad at others then, I am only mad at myself, for letting something like that get to me. And i think it is infinitely better to mad at yourself than someone else.
I did not do this at all when I was younger, then in the middle I started doing it. i don't know why. But now, as I am growing older, I do not do teeli mecha, most of the times, once in a while I get angry, I called her three times, she did not call me back, I will not call her again, but most of the times I have grown up.
If I want to call someone, I will call them, if I want to go meet some one, I will call them and ask if I can come over, I don't wait to be invited. Mera man kar raha to main baat karungi, tumhara man jab kare to tum kar lena, nahin jabardasti nahi hai, man nahi kare to saaf bol do ki nahin ji aapse baat nahi karni, I am fine with that. I am fine with anything upfront and straight forward. Ghuma fira ke bolo to mere ko samjh hi nahi aata, apna time waste karoge.
I find this very liberating. This is my mom's theory, she kept telling this to me all my life, there is a difference between knowing something and then really actually understanding it. I am free now. In all my relationships, family, friends, acquaintances, I do no record keeping. jo tera man kare vo tu kar, jo mera man kare vo main karoon.
Okay fir se, disclaimer, this is my ideal every now and then I slip, every now and then I get mad ki hudd hai mere phone ke jawab me phone nahi kiya. But those are my moments of weakness, that is not my ground state, I am getting excited and getting ahead of myself. But as long as I keep trying to come back to the normal, then I know where I am going in life. When I slip, atleast I know I need to get back on course and also, I am not mad at others then, I am only mad at myself, for letting something like that get to me. And i think it is infinitely better to mad at yourself than someone else.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
indian unclejis
okay something happened today, i was at one of those places where you put a quarter to get a cart, you know those, so i was walking towards the carts and this woman offered me her cart, I gave her my quarter and she walked away, fine and dandy, then, when i was coming out, i barely unloaded my cart and this indian unlceji came out of nowhere and took my cart, I kinda felt good that unknown people can have that camaraderie, I take your cart you take my cart kind of something, he did not even ask me if he could? and he just gave me his money, i felt slightly bad, he gave me two dimes and a nickle, fine it adds up to 25 cents but I don't know, it don't make no quarter. He took my cart because he did not have a quarter and he did not tell me he did not have the right coin, bata ke karo na, main aise bhi jaane deti yaar, arre, main paise bhi nahi leti, par bina bataye kiya, achha nahi laga.
I guess he thought he was doing it to some indian auntyji, who did not deserve an explanation, that's the part i did not like, don't judge me for how I look. I don't know leaves a bad taste, indian men they do nonsense like that. for example they don't take directions from women. What? If you needed someone to read a map to save your life, trust me, i am your go to guy. Not to brag or anything but I can read a map in any language. I was in Holland for a week, all maps in dutch all street signs in dutch, I was on foot and taking buses, and I did not get lost once. But if you looked at me and thought, is aunty ko kya dutch map samajh aa raha hoga, to theek hai, socho, more power to you.
I guess he thought he was doing it to some indian auntyji, who did not deserve an explanation, that's the part i did not like, don't judge me for how I look. I don't know leaves a bad taste, indian men they do nonsense like that. for example they don't take directions from women. What? If you needed someone to read a map to save your life, trust me, i am your go to guy. Not to brag or anything but I can read a map in any language. I was in Holland for a week, all maps in dutch all street signs in dutch, I was on foot and taking buses, and I did not get lost once. But if you looked at me and thought, is aunty ko kya dutch map samajh aa raha hoga, to theek hai, socho, more power to you.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
spring is around the bend
It was a nice warm day yesterday, plus 17 or something, the day before was minus 12 or twenty, so ofcourse every one was outside. I cannot tell you how nice it felt to be able to wear real shoes! instead of the clunky snow boots or the runners, actual heels, they change the way you walk, its so prominent a change you cannot help but notice it. You have a waist!! it is almost a surprise.
And then there were kids - teenagers - putting up basketball hoops and wearing shorts. umm... loons! the snow! its coming back, it hasn't left for good, this is just one warm day in the middle. अब रामजी ने दिमाग नही दिया, तो that is a personal tragedy, उसे जगजाहिर करने कि क्या आवश्यकता है?
Okay sorry, wrong person to be asking that question I guess.
And then there were kids - teenagers - putting up basketball hoops and wearing shorts. umm... loons! the snow! its coming back, it hasn't left for good, this is just one warm day in the middle. अब रामजी ने दिमाग नही दिया, तो that is a personal tragedy, उसे जगजाहिर करने कि क्या आवश्यकता है?
Okay sorry, wrong person to be asking that question I guess.
Friday, March 6, 2009
ahh...
I scrubbed the walls today. The best thing to clean walls with ? Elbow grease. I gave it all I had, kept going, walls, doors, windows, जो आ गया रगड़ डालो. untill I was wasted.
So anyways, I told him, take me out to lunch, I cleaned all your walls. He says " I don't remember giving you a requisition to clean my walls." The audacity of the man!
अरे! "मैं पूछ पूछ के काम करतीं हूँ, whatever gave you that idea?"
Then I remember, the last ten years, मैं इनसे पूछ पूछ कर ही काम करतीं हूँ.
Now he gives me this stupid grin, "Where do you want to go?"
हद है! जहन्नुम में! ले चलोगे? इस जनमजले blackberry से फुरसत मिलेगी, जब न ले चलोगे, मैं तो मैं, जहन्नुम भी इंतज़ार करे इनका।
So anyways, I told him, take me out to lunch, I cleaned all your walls. He says " I don't remember giving you a requisition to clean my walls." The audacity of the man!
अरे! "मैं पूछ पूछ के काम करतीं हूँ, whatever gave you that idea?"
Then I remember, the last ten years, मैं इनसे पूछ पूछ कर ही काम करतीं हूँ.
Now he gives me this stupid grin, "Where do you want to go?"
हद है! जहन्नुम में! ले चलोगे? इस जनमजले blackberry से फुरसत मिलेगी, जब न ले चलोगे, मैं तो मैं, जहन्नुम भी इंतज़ार करे इनका।
Thursday, March 5, 2009
COFFEE C
Coffee c? coffee see!!! (? ) is that what it means? I don't know. But it has coffee in it to main to bhai saade teen no. doongi. 3.5/5
resisting temptation
There is this theory - i have no idea who proposed it for the first time, but I heard it from Gandhiji, so in my head this is his theory - that if you cannot control your mind then you control your body.
Let me try explaining it, and I will give you an analogy that I understand, for example if there is a piece of cake in front of me, I know I should not eat it, its only going to fill my blood with useless sugar, and no good has ever come of sugar floating around in the blood, so in theory I should not even want to eat that cake, I know its only going to hurt me, but does that work out in practice? Does knowledge really protect me? Does it give me any power over my weaknesses?
It doesn't matter what your particular drug of choice is - a cigarette, that one drink, or it could be a person to some people ;) its your personal temptation, you cannot help it. And don't let anybody else convince you that their temptation is still fine, yours is wrong. Bah! stuff and nonsense! A temptation is a temptation is a temptation there are no moral degrees to it, you fell for one or you fell for the other, you fell, period, now focus on getting up and moving on.
That is one thing I am very clear about in life, I do not judge people for what makes them lose their balance, I am just interested in seeing how they react to this loss, and how do they propose to regain control or may be they don't. They say, I am going to drink myself to death, jo rok sake vo rok le. And that is fine too. You have to admit there is a romance to Devdaas's self destruction, so really, I won't stop you, if you tell me you plan to do that too.
Getting back to the topic, assuming you do want to get back on track, then lets see how Gandhiji's idea works - this is from this book the story of my experiments with truth which was my bible when I was growing up, so i am writing from memory, and my own personal interpretation of it, so no body go around suing me for misquoting him, grr... the society we live in, you cannot say one sentence without a disclaimer! So anyways, - he says that if you cannot control your mind then you control your body. That is, let that piece of cake be in front of you, fine, you cannot stop wanting it right? Okay go ahead tell your mind to keep wanting it, but just tell him, we ain't gonna co-operate! The hands are not going to pick it, the mouth is not going to eat it -- that much I control. Then as you get more control, you move your head away from it, hell if you can, you get up and throw that lousy cake in the garbage, your mind can hanker all it wants, but you see, you control your body, and eventually, through the body you control your mind, un till it gives up. Classic non co-operation :D hai na fundu!!
It works!! I am telling you it does. I have used it to great success as a young girl. Only as you grow older you sometimes throw away even the tools that worked, or you put them in storage and forget that you had them.
Nope. Please. Next time you see me eating cake, don't you dare come up to me and say, why what happened to Gandhiji's theory, damn, I hate people like that, and may be I will not say anything to your face but I promise you I will hate you inside. Theory is theory and cake is cake .... अब ठीक है न , वो मूर्ख ही क्या, जिसको बात समझ आ जाए?
Let me try explaining it, and I will give you an analogy that I understand, for example if there is a piece of cake in front of me, I know I should not eat it, its only going to fill my blood with useless sugar, and no good has ever come of sugar floating around in the blood, so in theory I should not even want to eat that cake, I know its only going to hurt me, but does that work out in practice? Does knowledge really protect me? Does it give me any power over my weaknesses?
It doesn't matter what your particular drug of choice is - a cigarette, that one drink, or it could be a person to some people ;) its your personal temptation, you cannot help it. And don't let anybody else convince you that their temptation is still fine, yours is wrong. Bah! stuff and nonsense! A temptation is a temptation is a temptation there are no moral degrees to it, you fell for one or you fell for the other, you fell, period, now focus on getting up and moving on.
That is one thing I am very clear about in life, I do not judge people for what makes them lose their balance, I am just interested in seeing how they react to this loss, and how do they propose to regain control or may be they don't. They say, I am going to drink myself to death, jo rok sake vo rok le. And that is fine too. You have to admit there is a romance to Devdaas's self destruction, so really, I won't stop you, if you tell me you plan to do that too.
Getting back to the topic, assuming you do want to get back on track, then lets see how Gandhiji's idea works - this is from this book the story of my experiments with truth which was my bible when I was growing up, so i am writing from memory, and my own personal interpretation of it, so no body go around suing me for misquoting him, grr... the society we live in, you cannot say one sentence without a disclaimer! So anyways, - he says that if you cannot control your mind then you control your body. That is, let that piece of cake be in front of you, fine, you cannot stop wanting it right? Okay go ahead tell your mind to keep wanting it, but just tell him, we ain't gonna co-operate! The hands are not going to pick it, the mouth is not going to eat it -- that much I control. Then as you get more control, you move your head away from it, hell if you can, you get up and throw that lousy cake in the garbage, your mind can hanker all it wants, but you see, you control your body, and eventually, through the body you control your mind, un till it gives up. Classic non co-operation :D hai na fundu!!
It works!! I am telling you it does. I have used it to great success as a young girl. Only as you grow older you sometimes throw away even the tools that worked, or you put them in storage and forget that you had them.
Nope. Please. Next time you see me eating cake, don't you dare come up to me and say, why what happened to Gandhiji's theory, damn, I hate people like that, and may be I will not say anything to your face but I promise you I will hate you inside. Theory is theory and cake is cake .... अब ठीक है न , वो मूर्ख ही क्या, जिसको बात समझ आ जाए?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
live a little
I am eating my breakfast and watching TV, grrr... I hate that, watching TV in the morning that is, but the thing is I did not sleep all night, I woke up at 2 am and then lord... could not go back to sleep this has to do with getting old, because I used to be able to sleep on demand you know, ab dekho, ek baar utth jaao to phir neend nahi aati, was online for a while and then was reading so technically this is evening for me I have been up for ten hours already so watching TV is allowed. No, I am not trying to seek your permission, I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to watch TV with breakfast, it is one of those argh... things in my book.
anyways, I digress, I was saying that I just saw this song on TV an old one Saathiya ye tune kya kiya... Salman Khan- Revathy one, and boy is it fresh I loved it, it has put me in a good mood, coz I was grumpy.And I had this thought, I don't know how that is related to the song, but I know that the song triggered this thought, that when we are young, at least girls I don't know about men, but women, when we are younger, we are very restricted, very cautious, extremely careful, we think too much and do too little, that thing about paralysis by analysis that applies to us, that maybe we could have been more carefree, our society breeds this samjhdaar responsible girl stereotype that is horrific I think, they marry us off so young, we never really have a chance to find ourselves. It is sad when you think about it.
Someone I know just ended a 25 year old marriage, she was 22 when she got married, and the thing is i can see why that happened, you know you grow up and you realize, you have no freaking idea how you got here, you were trying to be so mature all your life, you never really had fun, ever.
That's what i want for young girls - my daughter's generation - to go out, make mistakes, take chances, fall in love, get hurt, live and learn, and not think and worry all the time.
अच्छा है दिल के पास रहे पासबान-ऐ-अक्ल
पर कभी कभी इसे तनहा भी छोड़ दे
anyways, I digress, I was saying that I just saw this song on TV an old one Saathiya ye tune kya kiya... Salman Khan- Revathy one, and boy is it fresh I loved it, it has put me in a good mood, coz I was grumpy.And I had this thought, I don't know how that is related to the song, but I know that the song triggered this thought, that when we are young, at least girls I don't know about men, but women, when we are younger, we are very restricted, very cautious, extremely careful, we think too much and do too little, that thing about paralysis by analysis that applies to us, that maybe we could have been more carefree, our society breeds this samjhdaar responsible girl stereotype that is horrific I think, they marry us off so young, we never really have a chance to find ourselves. It is sad when you think about it.
Someone I know just ended a 25 year old marriage, she was 22 when she got married, and the thing is i can see why that happened, you know you grow up and you realize, you have no freaking idea how you got here, you were trying to be so mature all your life, you never really had fun, ever.
That's what i want for young girls - my daughter's generation - to go out, make mistakes, take chances, fall in love, get hurt, live and learn, and not think and worry all the time.
अच्छा है दिल के पास रहे पासबान-ऐ-अक्ल
पर कभी कभी इसे तनहा भी छोड़ दे
euforia
ahhh kitne no. dene hain isko? i am going with 1.5 / 5 bas yahi theek hai, chalo bhai 2 de do 2/5 bas. aur nahi. euforia ...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A horrendous undertaking
I have a new found respect for all those prolific writers. I have no god damned idea how they do it. I had this short story in my head, and i had it all done quite a while back, in my head that is. i knew exactly how it starts and exactly where it ends and all the high points that happen along the road, yes the low ones too. I had thought it out really. I kept telling myself I could write it anytime, it was done, already. But, boy, was I wrong. You see it is a horrendous undertaking, eventhough I know what I want them to do, it takes so much to get them to do it. I take forever to write a paragraph, i keep living it in my head, i can see these people, hell I think I am becoming these people, but, lord, I am sorry, I am really at a loss of words - it is still not happening. Well, I guess that says it, how the heck are you supposed to write a story if you have gone done and lost all your words now. oh gosh. and i am not even thinking about the loooong story, the one i have NOT thought out in my head yet, the one that still has kinks in it, the one that is not adding up, even though T, god bless her heart, was nice enough to tell me that it does make sense. i thought that was the one that was gonna be the death of me, but here this little teeny tiny one isn't getting finished, And to top it off, I don't even have the time to write my blog everyday now, I feel bad for not writing the stutpid story and then I feel bad for not writing my blog. What is a girl gotta do?
3 july 09
Yaar! Ek to na main bhi bas. Melodramatic hi hoon. That story is done and now nothing else is being done. Why? coz now I think that was a beautiful story, how will i write something to match up to that? like I said, melodramatic ! to the core, i tell you. I cannot believe i was freaking out that much, so it is nice to read my own posts. right now I am freaking out about 'The rouge data point' I think I should abandon it, or forget everythign and write it with abandon. one of the two. Like I said somewhere else what's the point of writing if I am going to be so scared to do it?
3 july 09
Yaar! Ek to na main bhi bas. Melodramatic hi hoon. That story is done and now nothing else is being done. Why? coz now I think that was a beautiful story, how will i write something to match up to that? like I said, melodramatic ! to the core, i tell you. I cannot believe i was freaking out that much, so it is nice to read my own posts. right now I am freaking out about 'The rouge data point' I think I should abandon it, or forget everythign and write it with abandon. one of the two. Like I said somewhere else what's the point of writing if I am going to be so scared to do it?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
one too many mornings
I just found this video, it has them both!! Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan, so... life doesn't get better than this. Here I just had to share it.
It's a restless hungry feeling
That don't do no one no good,
And ev'rything I'm a-sayin'
You can say it just as good.
You're right from your side,
I'm right from mine.
We're both just one too many mornings
An' a thousand miles behind.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Blowin' in the wind
I really love this song, its way high up there on my list, I would have said it is mostly because of the lyrics, but that would not be entirely true, it also is because of Bob Dylan, and yes, I know some people would be offended by that statement, but really, I do not intend to be disrespectful. I do like Bob Dylan, a lot, actually.
Here the lyrics and a Youtube link to the song hope it works
Here the lyrics and a Youtube link to the song hope it works
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Mamma Mia, here I go again.
I like this song, I get it. Its that thing about resisting temptation - what ever it is for you - and your sheer helplessness in the face of it. How do you confront that?
Mine ? is a piece of delectable chocolate cake :( Mamma mia, does it show again? My my, just how much I've missed you. A lot. A whole lot. You have no freaking idea how much of a lot. And you are so lost in your own world, you will never realize I have missed you all this while, so there, the joke's on you too! hunh!
:D
though I guess it's still mostly on me -- Just one look and I can hear a bell ring, One more look and I forget everything....
Here are the lyrics, and ABBA's '76 rendition of the song, and yeah I liked meryl streep's version too.
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn? --- Nah! Not me!
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control -- yeah I don't know either
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh -- o-o-o-oh
I've been angry and sad about the things that you do
I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through
And when you go, when you slam the door
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, even if I say
Bye bye, leave me now or never
mamma mia, it's a game we play
Bye bye doesn't mean forever
Mine ? is a piece of delectable chocolate cake :( Mamma mia, does it show again? My my, just how much I've missed you. A lot. A whole lot. You have no freaking idea how much of a lot. And you are so lost in your own world, you will never realize I have missed you all this while, so there, the joke's on you too! hunh!
:D
though I guess it's still mostly on me -- Just one look and I can hear a bell ring, One more look and I forget everything....
Here are the lyrics, and ABBA's '76 rendition of the song, and yeah I liked meryl streep's version too.
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn? --- Nah! Not me!
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control -- yeah I don't know either
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh -- o-o-o-oh
I've been angry and sad about the things that you do
I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through
And when you go, when you slam the door
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, even if I say
Bye bye, leave me now or never
mamma mia, it's a game we play
Bye bye doesn't mean forever
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
jaane kyon log mohabbat kiya karten hain
i never liked this song too much earlier, as in.... you see I did not get the question, jaane kyon log muhabbat kiya karate hain , ummm... isn't it obvious ? Elementary my dear Watson - types. and in that sense I still feel that, no one goes out of their way to put themselves in harm's way, matlab theek hai na, ho jata hai, kya kar sakten hain, you just bite your tongue and suffer the consequences. I think Ghalib was right when he said
Ishq pe zor nahi hai ye vo aatish ghalib,
jo lagaye na lage aur bujhaye na bujhe.
So in that light really you do not get the blame for being in love, its not your fault, we will find someone else to blame. Later ;) n i have so much to say about this, I am going to write another post.
Anyways, I digress, I was telling you why I have begun liking this song now. Its mostly the way it is sung, the highs and the lows, and the way the lyrics go, they tell a story, parts of it so predictable , but the nice kind of predictable, that makes you feel good -- see, I knew this, types. For example this one here
saavan mein aankhon ko kitana rulaati hai
so you ask your self the question ki kya? kya rulati hai, and you already know the answer - kuch andaaz to hai aapko ki kya rulati hai, so when you hear the response
purakat mein jab dil ko kisi ki yaad aati hai
you feel good now, you knew it !! There - that is why I like this song, it gives me an ego boost, mujhe jawaab aaten hain, wah wah wah!
I guess there is more, like:
tanhaayi milti hai mehfil nahi milti
raah-e-mohabbat mein kabhi manzil nahi milti
see... to someone like me that sounds tempting? Were you trying to put me off? Ain't working bro!
and then I particularly like this part, listening to it,
mehaboob se har gum manasoob hota hai
din raat ulfat mein tamaasha khoob hota hai
raaton se bhi lambe
ye pyaar ke kisse
aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse
bemuravvat hai
bevafa hai vo
us sitamagar ka
apne dilabar ka
naam le le ke duhaayi diya karate hain
I so completely disagree with it on an intelectual plane, as in its too sexist, aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse, arre? what about men? are men not unfaithful? phir ? lopsided kyon? anyways, sometime you can keep your politics aside and just listen to a song. Or perhaps, most of the times :)
Ishq pe zor nahi hai ye vo aatish ghalib,
jo lagaye na lage aur bujhaye na bujhe.
So in that light really you do not get the blame for being in love, its not your fault, we will find someone else to blame. Later ;) n i have so much to say about this, I am going to write another post.
Anyways, I digress, I was telling you why I have begun liking this song now. Its mostly the way it is sung, the highs and the lows, and the way the lyrics go, they tell a story, parts of it so predictable , but the nice kind of predictable, that makes you feel good -- see, I knew this, types. For example this one here
saavan mein aankhon ko kitana rulaati hai
so you ask your self the question ki kya? kya rulati hai, and you already know the answer - kuch andaaz to hai aapko ki kya rulati hai, so when you hear the response
purakat mein jab dil ko kisi ki yaad aati hai
you feel good now, you knew it !! There - that is why I like this song, it gives me an ego boost, mujhe jawaab aaten hain, wah wah wah!
I guess there is more, like:
tanhaayi milti hai mehfil nahi milti
raah-e-mohabbat mein kabhi manzil nahi milti
see... to someone like me that sounds tempting? Were you trying to put me off? Ain't working bro!
and then I particularly like this part, listening to it,
mehaboob se har gum manasoob hota hai
din raat ulfat mein tamaasha khoob hota hai
raaton se bhi lambe
ye pyaar ke kisse
aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse
bemuravvat hai
bevafa hai vo
us sitamagar ka
apne dilabar ka
naam le le ke duhaayi diya karate hain
I so completely disagree with it on an intelectual plane, as in its too sexist, aashiq sunaate hain zafa-e-yaar ke kisse, arre? what about men? are men not unfaithful? phir ? lopsided kyon? anyways, sometime you can keep your politics aside and just listen to a song. Or perhaps, most of the times :)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I hope you dance
I love the lyrics to this song, mostly that line about
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance
You see, I did not do that when I was younger, I wish I had. No I am not dead and I do, I do dance every chance I get now! :) here, I want to dedicate this to my daughter:
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance
You see, I did not do that when I was younger, I wish I had. No I am not dead and I do, I do dance every chance I get now! :) here, I want to dedicate this to my daughter:
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
Friday, February 20, 2009
that's it! I give up!
Remember how sometime back I said I was doing this thought experiment? Yeah! Well! It is officially a failure now. ha ha ha
Here is why...
If thought forms worked then it should have worked looooooooooooooong back. It did not. So even if I do get a positive result now, it could as easily have been chance... so ... yep. Failed it is.
No, I still cannot tell you about it, because if it happens then, I will always doubt that you did it on purpose, so ... I am just letting it go. What was that philosophy... if it comes back it is yours forever, if it doesn't, was never yours to begin with. see, I never agreed with that one ever before, but, I digress.
Here is why...
If thought forms worked then it should have worked looooooooooooooong back. It did not. So even if I do get a positive result now, it could as easily have been chance... so ... yep. Failed it is.
No, I still cannot tell you about it, because if it happens then, I will always doubt that you did it on purpose, so ... I am just letting it go. What was that philosophy... if it comes back it is yours forever, if it doesn't, was never yours to begin with. see, I never agreed with that one ever before, but, I digress.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Defining Love
What is love? How do you define love? Do different people define it differently? Is love for a child the same as the love for a parent, a friend, a lover? hmm...
Here are some other people's definitions of love that I like:
ishq majnu ki vo aawaz hai jiske aage koi laila, kisi deewar se, roki na gayi --- from that song ye ishq ishq hai ishq.
I completely agree with it, if it meant something to you, nothing could stop you, the whole lot of them are just excuses, you love something else more, that's why you stay, if you really loved this thing as much as you claim you do, you would have gone for it. nothing could have kept you. May be I am being too harsh, may be I don't get exigent circumstances, still there is a romance to the idea ki ishq majnu ki vo aawaz hai jiske aage koi laila, kisi deewar se, roki na gayi...
jaan tum par nisaar karta hoon, main nahin janta dua kya hai. -- mirza ghalib but he had a lot to say on the subject, so I guess I picked my favourite. May be it is the same thing as above, I give my life for you, I do not know what a prayer is. That there would be no dilemma, that it comes as the most natural thing in the world to me, to give you whatever you ask for. That if you wanted me to go away, if it killed me, I would go as as far away from you as I could, because that was what you wanted.
Here are some other people's definitions of love that I like:
ishq majnu ki vo aawaz hai jiske aage koi laila, kisi deewar se, roki na gayi --- from that song ye ishq ishq hai ishq.
I completely agree with it, if it meant something to you, nothing could stop you, the whole lot of them are just excuses, you love something else more, that's why you stay, if you really loved this thing as much as you claim you do, you would have gone for it. nothing could have kept you. May be I am being too harsh, may be I don't get exigent circumstances, still there is a romance to the idea ki ishq majnu ki vo aawaz hai jiske aage koi laila, kisi deewar se, roki na gayi...
jaan tum par nisaar karta hoon, main nahin janta dua kya hai. -- mirza ghalib but he had a lot to say on the subject, so I guess I picked my favourite. May be it is the same thing as above, I give my life for you, I do not know what a prayer is. That there would be no dilemma, that it comes as the most natural thing in the world to me, to give you whatever you ask for. That if you wanted me to go away, if it killed me, I would go as as far away from you as I could, because that was what you wanted.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
mujhko tumse baandhe
For Laila.
and a little bit for Tariq too. Or perhaps, a lot of it for him. No, not all of it.
मुझको तुमसे बांधे ये जो इक ज़ंजीर है
धरती से अम्बर को जाते सपनो की तक़रीर है
लिखी गई न मालिक से तो
ख़ुद खींची हांथों पर मैंने
ऐसी भी कोई लकीर है
धरती से अम्बर को जाते सपनो की तक़रीर है
याद करुँ और
आ भी जाएँ
शैतानों कि सी अब् कहाँ तकदीर है
मुझको तुमसे बांधे ये जो इक ज़ंजीर है
यूँ अल्लाह करे वो भला बुरा सब
अब भी क्यों कहता फिरता गलियों में कोई फ़कीर है
मुझको तुमसे बांधे ये जो इक ज़ंजीर है
धरती से अम्बर को जाती
सपनों कि तक़रीर है
and a little bit for Tariq too. Or perhaps, a lot of it for him. No, not all of it.
मुझको तुमसे बांधे ये जो इक ज़ंजीर है
धरती से अम्बर को जाते सपनो की तक़रीर है
लिखी गई न मालिक से तो
ख़ुद खींची हांथों पर मैंने
ऐसी भी कोई लकीर है
धरती से अम्बर को जाते सपनो की तक़रीर है
याद करुँ और
आ भी जाएँ
शैतानों कि सी अब् कहाँ तकदीर है
मुझको तुमसे बांधे ये जो इक ज़ंजीर है
यूँ अल्लाह करे वो भला बुरा सब
अब भी क्यों कहता फिरता गलियों में कोई फ़कीर है
मुझको तुमसे बांधे ये जो इक ज़ंजीर है
धरती से अम्बर को जाती
सपनों कि तक़रीर है
Friday, February 13, 2009
maria
I am watching the west side story for the first time and I am liking this song maria...
I like the part
I've just met a girl named Maria,
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Maria!
Say it loud and there's music playing,
Say it soft and it's almost like praying.
the last two lines are an acute observation. Say it loud and there's music playing, Say it soft and it's almost like praying. :) It is, isn't it?
I like the part
I've just met a girl named Maria,
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Maria!
Say it loud and there's music playing,
Say it soft and it's almost like praying.
the last two lines are an acute observation. Say it loud and there's music playing, Say it soft and it's almost like praying. :) It is, isn't it?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
the most painful thing
You know what the most painful thing in the whole world is?
Watching someone who had potential fritter it away.
You could have been anything you ever wanted to be, and you let it go... you became nothing you ever wanted to be.
long sigh.
okay fine, how am I to know what the most painful thing is, I haven't had them all, so I guess its one of those very painful things. Or sad things. Or something.
Watching someone who had potential fritter it away.
You could have been anything you ever wanted to be, and you let it go... you became nothing you ever wanted to be.
long sigh.
okay fine, how am I to know what the most painful thing is, I haven't had them all, so I guess its one of those very painful things. Or sad things. Or something.
What do you do when you are mad?
What do you do when you are very mad at something?
When someone says something bad to me, or something bad happens, as in something simple bad, not horrible bad, you know what I am saying right? something that can make you angry, not sad, there is a difference.
When I get angry I find the best cure is to go clean. Anything. I will clean washrooms, do dishes, scrub the windowsills and that place between the door and floor - I don't know what that is called off the top of my head. That's what I do, when someone yells at me, is mean to me, or some other such thing. That's my therapy.
What's yours?
When someone says something bad to me, or something bad happens, as in something simple bad, not horrible bad, you know what I am saying right? something that can make you angry, not sad, there is a difference.
When I get angry I find the best cure is to go clean. Anything. I will clean washrooms, do dishes, scrub the windowsills and that place between the door and floor - I don't know what that is called off the top of my head. That's what I do, when someone yells at me, is mean to me, or some other such thing. That's my therapy.
What's yours?
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
hum jab kuch kehten hain
हम जब कुछ कहतें हैं .... क्यों कहतें हैं? इस उम्मीद से न कि हम जिस से जो कह रहें हैं, वो हमारी बात समझेगा। है न? पर क्या ऐसा होता है?
हाँ। अक्सर तो लोग समझ ही लेतें हैं। मतलब छुट पुट, इधर उधर कि फालतू बात, मैं कल पिक्चर देख कर आयी, मुझे बिल्कुल अच्छी नही लगी, तुमने ये सब्जी कैसे बनाई वगैरह वगैरह.... अगर कोई किसी की कोई बात न समझे तो लोग बात ही क्यों करें? बेकार फालतू कि ताकत ज़ाया।
पर ऐसा भी तो होता है, कि जब हम, सच मुच, कोई बहुत ज़रूरी बात, जो अस्सल में हमें लगती है, जो दिल से महसूस होती है, जो हम बहुत परेशान हो कर कहतें हैं, वो हम जिस से कहतें हैं, वो नही समझता। होता है न। अक्सर होता है। जब होता है तो हर बार दिल को दुःख भी होता है। फिर क्यों कहतें हैं? क्यों चुप नही रहते?
चुप रहा नहीं जाता। मन करता है, एक चांस मार लूँ, शायद तुम समझ ही जाओ। क्योंकि प्रॉब्लम ये है न कि कभी कभी, लोग समझ भी लेतें हैं। consistency नाम की तो कोई चीज़ ही नहीं है । उसपर मुश्किल ये, कि जिसे समझनी चाहिए, उसे समझ नही आती। और दूसरे लोगों को समझ आ जाती है, तो चलो, कॉन्सोलेशन पराईज़ है, कभी खुशी होती है कि कुछ तो मिला, और कभी गुस्सा आता है, जी चाहता है वापिस मुँह पर दे मारो, ये तो नहीं माँगा था मैंने, ये क्यों दे दिया? अपने पास रखो।
तो प्रशन है कि क्यों कभी तो कोई समझता है, और कभी नही समझता? या फिर ये, कि समझना किसको कहतें हैं? मुझे कैसे पता चले कि आप मेरी बात समझ गए? मेरी बात कि प्रतिक्रिया में आप जो कहतें हैं, उसी से न? तो फिर हो सकता है, कि आप मेरी बात समझ जाएँ, पर जो प्रतिक्रिया आप करें उसे मैं न समझूं, क्योंकि आपने वो नही कहा जो मैं सुनना चाहती हूँ, तो मैं समझूं कि आप समझे ही नही। और इसका विपरीत भी हो सकता है कि, आप कुछ भी न समझें पर गलती से तुक्के से, जो मैं सुनना चाहती हूँ, वो आप कह दें, और मैं खुश हो जाऊं कि वाह आप ही एक सयाने मिले हो, जिसके पल्ले तो पड़ा कि कहा क्या मैंने। :) हम्म... बड़ी मुश्किल है जी।
ज्यादा सोचो, तो हैरत कि बात ये नही है कि जिससे कहतें वो समझता नही, हैरत कि बात ये है, कि कभी समझ भी लेता है। दास द्वार का पिंजरा, जा में पंछी पओन। रहने में आसचर्य है, उढत अचम्भा कौन?
It is beautiful, that in the course of the individual trajectories that we follow through life, once in a while, there is comprehension, communication, they overlap, and for a few seconds, you see from my eyes. Fine, if that is myth, I would much rather live in it. Those are the most precious moments of my life, when for no apparent reason, you knew what I meant. Or I deluded myself into thinking that you did. I live for them, because there is so much I want to tell you. I wish it wasn't like that, I wish I did not want to tell you anything, I wish I could not care less, because you disappoint me all the time time, but that is not how it is, is it? I do, I do want to tell you stuff, and it is useless, mundane, boring stuff, the same as you might want to tell me too, we both already know it, but I still want to tell you.
है बहुत कुछ, जो मुझको कहना है। अबक्यों इतना कुछ मुझको कहना है और तुमको कुछ सुनना नही। क्यों जब लोग बहुत हैं दुनिया में फिर तुमसे ही क्यों कहना है? अब किसी दिन फुर्सत में ये भी मुझको कहना है,
बहुत ग़लत है ये, ये जो कुछ तुमको सुनना नही। समझ कर भी, ये जो कुछ तुमको समझना नही।बहुत ग़लत है ये, ये जो इतना कुछ मुझको कहना है। और ग़लत है ये, ये जो जिद है , कि तुमसे , बस तुमसे ही सब कहना है।
Hopeless. I have chosen this fate for myself, and I am the one to blame. So, I guess I will sit and wait. Whenever you think you are ready, I am right here....
हाँ। अक्सर तो लोग समझ ही लेतें हैं। मतलब छुट पुट, इधर उधर कि फालतू बात, मैं कल पिक्चर देख कर आयी, मुझे बिल्कुल अच्छी नही लगी, तुमने ये सब्जी कैसे बनाई वगैरह वगैरह.... अगर कोई किसी की कोई बात न समझे तो लोग बात ही क्यों करें? बेकार फालतू कि ताकत ज़ाया।
पर ऐसा भी तो होता है, कि जब हम, सच मुच, कोई बहुत ज़रूरी बात, जो अस्सल में हमें लगती है, जो दिल से महसूस होती है, जो हम बहुत परेशान हो कर कहतें हैं, वो हम जिस से कहतें हैं, वो नही समझता। होता है न। अक्सर होता है। जब होता है तो हर बार दिल को दुःख भी होता है। फिर क्यों कहतें हैं? क्यों चुप नही रहते?
चुप रहा नहीं जाता। मन करता है, एक चांस मार लूँ, शायद तुम समझ ही जाओ। क्योंकि प्रॉब्लम ये है न कि कभी कभी, लोग समझ भी लेतें हैं। consistency नाम की तो कोई चीज़ ही नहीं है । उसपर मुश्किल ये, कि जिसे समझनी चाहिए, उसे समझ नही आती। और दूसरे लोगों को समझ आ जाती है, तो चलो, कॉन्सोलेशन पराईज़ है, कभी खुशी होती है कि कुछ तो मिला, और कभी गुस्सा आता है, जी चाहता है वापिस मुँह पर दे मारो, ये तो नहीं माँगा था मैंने, ये क्यों दे दिया? अपने पास रखो।
तो प्रशन है कि क्यों कभी तो कोई समझता है, और कभी नही समझता? या फिर ये, कि समझना किसको कहतें हैं? मुझे कैसे पता चले कि आप मेरी बात समझ गए? मेरी बात कि प्रतिक्रिया में आप जो कहतें हैं, उसी से न? तो फिर हो सकता है, कि आप मेरी बात समझ जाएँ, पर जो प्रतिक्रिया आप करें उसे मैं न समझूं, क्योंकि आपने वो नही कहा जो मैं सुनना चाहती हूँ, तो मैं समझूं कि आप समझे ही नही। और इसका विपरीत भी हो सकता है कि, आप कुछ भी न समझें पर गलती से तुक्के से, जो मैं सुनना चाहती हूँ, वो आप कह दें, और मैं खुश हो जाऊं कि वाह आप ही एक सयाने मिले हो, जिसके पल्ले तो पड़ा कि कहा क्या मैंने। :) हम्म... बड़ी मुश्किल है जी।
ज्यादा सोचो, तो हैरत कि बात ये नही है कि जिससे कहतें वो समझता नही, हैरत कि बात ये है, कि कभी समझ भी लेता है। दास द्वार का पिंजरा, जा में पंछी पओन। रहने में आसचर्य है, उढत अचम्भा कौन?
It is beautiful, that in the course of the individual trajectories that we follow through life, once in a while, there is comprehension, communication, they overlap, and for a few seconds, you see from my eyes. Fine, if that is myth, I would much rather live in it. Those are the most precious moments of my life, when for no apparent reason, you knew what I meant. Or I deluded myself into thinking that you did. I live for them, because there is so much I want to tell you. I wish it wasn't like that, I wish I did not want to tell you anything, I wish I could not care less, because you disappoint me all the time time, but that is not how it is, is it? I do, I do want to tell you stuff, and it is useless, mundane, boring stuff, the same as you might want to tell me too, we both already know it, but I still want to tell you.
है बहुत कुछ, जो मुझको कहना है। अबक्यों इतना कुछ मुझको कहना है और तुमको कुछ सुनना नही। क्यों जब लोग बहुत हैं दुनिया में फिर तुमसे ही क्यों कहना है? अब किसी दिन फुर्सत में ये भी मुझको कहना है,
बहुत ग़लत है ये, ये जो कुछ तुमको सुनना नही। समझ कर भी, ये जो कुछ तुमको समझना नही।बहुत ग़लत है ये, ये जो इतना कुछ मुझको कहना है। और ग़लत है ये, ये जो जिद है , कि तुमसे , बस तुमसे ही सब कहना है।
Hopeless. I have chosen this fate for myself, and I am the one to blame. So, I guess I will sit and wait. Whenever you think you are ready, I am right here....
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
relatively warm day
I am very glad to live in a city where a high of -3C is cause for celebration, its a warm sunny day!! I come from a city where a low of +3C would have been called bitter cold, so I find it amazing that on days like these, I of all people cannot stay indoors, I have got to get out, its a nice warm day out there, and I should enjoy it. Considering how few of those we get.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Degrees of helplessness
On a warm lazy afternoon, in the corridors of a Delhi hospital that had just received a fresh coat of phenol-water, which had unfortunately attracted more flies than repelled them, against the wishes of the very meticulous jamadarni doing her infinite rounds of pochas, a bright young surgeon looked at me and said, not at all unkindly "Eventually all cancer treatments come down to this, efficient pain management. If we can keep the patient comfortable, then...."
"And what if you can not do even that? " He probably had not had much experience talking to relatives and this was perhaps as new to him as it was to me. He looked over at the flies buzzing over a speck of dirt, shrugged his shoulders and looked away. It is in real bad taste to ask people questions you already know the answers to. He must have been a nice man, because he turned back, he turned back, looked me in the eyes and said " We can not even cure the common cold. Medicine is a shot in the dark. We cannot do anything. What do you want us to do about that?"
"I want you to stop being angry at me." But I did not say that. I realized that he was not angry with me. He was angry at himself, at medicine, or something. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. That was the day I understood, that there were degrees to helplessness. That it was possible that he understood mine but I was not even close to getting his.That even though we were not in the same boat, our boats were in the same waters. My journey was about to end, his was only beginning.
I will never forget the look on his face. Yes, there definitely are, degrees to helplessness.
"And what if you can not do even that? " He probably had not had much experience talking to relatives and this was perhaps as new to him as it was to me. He looked over at the flies buzzing over a speck of dirt, shrugged his shoulders and looked away. It is in real bad taste to ask people questions you already know the answers to. He must have been a nice man, because he turned back, he turned back, looked me in the eyes and said " We can not even cure the common cold. Medicine is a shot in the dark. We cannot do anything. What do you want us to do about that?"
"I want you to stop being angry at me." But I did not say that. I realized that he was not angry with me. He was angry at himself, at medicine, or something. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. That was the day I understood, that there were degrees to helplessness. That it was possible that he understood mine but I was not even close to getting his.That even though we were not in the same boat, our boats were in the same waters. My journey was about to end, his was only beginning.
I will never forget the look on his face. Yes, there definitely are, degrees to helplessness.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
What is left of a life....
Last night I was driving, I made a mistake. It was a terrible mistake, the other car should have hit me directly, it would have been a brutal collision. I should have died, I did not. The other guy had brains, he used them.I am not kidding. It was totally my fault. My first thought was, thank god my daughter was not in the car with me. Second thought was feeling bad for the poor guy, he would have had to live the rest of his life knowing he killed somebody. Third thought, My husband is going to yell at me - he was driving ahead of me. Fourth thought - shoot, I left my home dirty... who is going to clean up after me? and what are they going to think about me?
What do you make up of a life as you pick its leftover pieces?
I was going out for dinner, in my hurry I left clothes on the washroom floor - later when someone picked them would they think I was a careless person? Is that true? Am I? My closet is not exactly as organized as I keep meaning to make it. What does that say about me? Oh and my blog! damn! does it really reflect who I am? I remembered my last post and thought! ouch! not good at all. hmm...
I suddenly understood what they mean by " I cannot be caught dead doing ......." you never really know when you could be caught dead. And all that is left behind is stuff.
Our things are personal, we know why they are important, no one else can find that meaning in them. The big things people find uses for, no one is going to throw away my jewelery, they might even keep my sarees, ki chalo beti shayad pehen le, but my paperwork, my books, my nick knacks , I don't suppose it is going to make a whole lot of sense to anyone. They will have no need for those small treasures I have saved forever. Not right away, but after a few years, someone is going to open that box full of my M.Sc notes and say, who is going to read them now? I ask myself that question all the time, but I don't throw them away, because trapped in those yellowing pages are dates that mean something to me, comments from friends that only I find funny, and equations that I look at now and go wow! I knew this ! wow!
Those fraying old photos from school, they each tell a story - a story that is not apparent right away, you had to have been there to know what had happened that day. After a few years when my daughter is older she will want to keep the photos, but will decide to pick a few, she will keep some and throw some out, and I think it is likely that she might throw the wrong ones out, think somethings mean what they did not. She will not know who I am looking at, because obviously I am not looking towards the camera. She might look at the people sitting next to me and think they were my best friends, she will not know that my best friend was sitting the farthest from me, coz that morning we had a tiff and sat apart :) . She might find that half arm jutting at the corner of one picture - shaky composition, she will not know that the only thing of importance in that picture was that arm, it is the arm of a friend who I have not seen in ages, I have no idea where she is and I have no real hope of ever finding her again, that the only reason I save that picture is because held forever on that bit of paper is an action I yelled at that day "Why? Why do you have to spoil every picture?" and have smiled at ever since. I am so glad you spoiled that picture :) She will not know any of that. For that matter she will not know any of that, no matter how long I live. There are things you cannot tell anyone, its like I said, you just had to have been there, to know what was happening that day. And, no it won't matter a whole lot, in the long run nothing really matters a whole lot, pictures least of all.In any case a lot of me went out with the stuff I did not keep, the pictures I threw away, the papers I tore up....
Our real stories are caught between those small insignificant tangible possessions that we leave behind, the junk, the stuff someone else will inevitably have to throw away one day and the imperceptible secrets in our hearts that will leave with us. That the world will not know the truth behind both of them, is in the end, not such a bad thought afterall.
In a life lived under the constant curious scrutiny of friends and family, it is somewhat gratifying to know that you will never know why I saved that half torn photograph, that crumpled bus ticket, and that small pebble which is like almost any other stone on the road? What is so special about them? Different people know different parts of that story, but I don't suppose they will ever get together.
Yes, the stuff we leave behind tells stories, but more often than not, either no one is listening, or, they hear the wrong ones. The irony of history, forever looking for the truth, forever missing it. And I find that thought, amusing.
What do you make up of a life as you pick its leftover pieces?
I was going out for dinner, in my hurry I left clothes on the washroom floor - later when someone picked them would they think I was a careless person? Is that true? Am I? My closet is not exactly as organized as I keep meaning to make it. What does that say about me? Oh and my blog! damn! does it really reflect who I am? I remembered my last post and thought! ouch! not good at all. hmm...
I suddenly understood what they mean by " I cannot be caught dead doing ......." you never really know when you could be caught dead. And all that is left behind is stuff.
Our things are personal, we know why they are important, no one else can find that meaning in them. The big things people find uses for, no one is going to throw away my jewelery, they might even keep my sarees, ki chalo beti shayad pehen le, but my paperwork, my books, my nick knacks , I don't suppose it is going to make a whole lot of sense to anyone. They will have no need for those small treasures I have saved forever. Not right away, but after a few years, someone is going to open that box full of my M.Sc notes and say, who is going to read them now? I ask myself that question all the time, but I don't throw them away, because trapped in those yellowing pages are dates that mean something to me, comments from friends that only I find funny, and equations that I look at now and go wow! I knew this ! wow!
Those fraying old photos from school, they each tell a story - a story that is not apparent right away, you had to have been there to know what had happened that day. After a few years when my daughter is older she will want to keep the photos, but will decide to pick a few, she will keep some and throw some out, and I think it is likely that she might throw the wrong ones out, think somethings mean what they did not. She will not know who I am looking at, because obviously I am not looking towards the camera. She might look at the people sitting next to me and think they were my best friends, she will not know that my best friend was sitting the farthest from me, coz that morning we had a tiff and sat apart :) . She might find that half arm jutting at the corner of one picture - shaky composition, she will not know that the only thing of importance in that picture was that arm, it is the arm of a friend who I have not seen in ages, I have no idea where she is and I have no real hope of ever finding her again, that the only reason I save that picture is because held forever on that bit of paper is an action I yelled at that day "Why? Why do you have to spoil every picture?" and have smiled at ever since. I am so glad you spoiled that picture :) She will not know any of that. For that matter she will not know any of that, no matter how long I live. There are things you cannot tell anyone, its like I said, you just had to have been there, to know what was happening that day. And, no it won't matter a whole lot, in the long run nothing really matters a whole lot, pictures least of all.In any case a lot of me went out with the stuff I did not keep, the pictures I threw away, the papers I tore up....
Our real stories are caught between those small insignificant tangible possessions that we leave behind, the junk, the stuff someone else will inevitably have to throw away one day and the imperceptible secrets in our hearts that will leave with us. That the world will not know the truth behind both of them, is in the end, not such a bad thought afterall.
In a life lived under the constant curious scrutiny of friends and family, it is somewhat gratifying to know that you will never know why I saved that half torn photograph, that crumpled bus ticket, and that small pebble which is like almost any other stone on the road? What is so special about them? Different people know different parts of that story, but I don't suppose they will ever get together.
Yes, the stuff we leave behind tells stories, but more often than not, either no one is listening, or, they hear the wrong ones. The irony of history, forever looking for the truth, forever missing it. And I find that thought, amusing.
Friday, February 6, 2009
for the heck of it
do you remember that Shyamalan movie, unbreakable? the guy says, all these years, I have been waiting to hear a particular combination of words.
Well all these months I have been waiting for a particular event. I cannot tell you what it is, because that will spoil the experiment, I will tell you after, it is not an entirely unlikely event, just something I have been sending out thought forms for, and I am waiting to see if my thought forms have any impact at all. I am very sorry to report that they have not worked. Not yet at least.
The trouble with such an experiment is that you cannot tell anybody about it till it is successful and then they might not believe you. Baad me to sab kehten hain..... And on the other hand, when something is just with you, you might be tempted to change it and modify your own expectations and say, han han ho gaya, yehi socha tha. Hard to maintain that integrity so to speak, or may be in my case, i am more likely to just forget it all together. So, I thought I will write about it here and thus remember it. hmmm....
So, still waiting.... for godot...is it? Did he say he is coming? No, I don't think so...... :)
Well all these months I have been waiting for a particular event. I cannot tell you what it is, because that will spoil the experiment, I will tell you after, it is not an entirely unlikely event, just something I have been sending out thought forms for, and I am waiting to see if my thought forms have any impact at all. I am very sorry to report that they have not worked. Not yet at least.
The trouble with such an experiment is that you cannot tell anybody about it till it is successful and then they might not believe you. Baad me to sab kehten hain..... And on the other hand, when something is just with you, you might be tempted to change it and modify your own expectations and say, han han ho gaya, yehi socha tha. Hard to maintain that integrity so to speak, or may be in my case, i am more likely to just forget it all together. So, I thought I will write about it here and thus remember it. hmmm....
So, still waiting.... for godot...is it? Did he say he is coming? No, I don't think so...... :)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
lakdi me ghun sa lagta hai
लकड़ी में घुन सा लगता है
इक सपना मन में पलता है
जीवन दूर बहुत है उस से
पर देखो न वो कब से
दिन रात यूँ मुझको छलता है
इक सपना मन में पलता है
फीके संकल्पों कि क्यों तीखी आशा
विद्रोही मन को भी रोके
ये क्यों बढकर के मर्यादा
जब कोई मुझको गरज़ नहीं दुनिया के सच्चे झूठों से
फिर क्यों इनकी बातों से मन धुक धुक कर के जलता है
लकड़ी में घुन सा लगता है
है तो सारा अम्बर मेरा
तारे मेरे सूरज मेरा
माँगूं तो अब भी शायद
हो धरती और सागर मेरा
पर वो मुझसे रूठ गया जो
पर वो मेरा छूट गया जो
चन्दा मुझको खलता है
इक सपना मन में पलता है
मन का ही ये दीपक मेरे
बुझता है न खुल कर ही क्यों जलता है
लकड़ी में घुन सा लगता है
इक सपना मन में पलता है
जीवन दूर बहुत है उस से
पर देखो न वो कब से
दिन रात यूँ मुझको छलता है
इक सपना मन में पलता है
फीके संकल्पों कि क्यों तीखी आशा
विद्रोही मन को भी रोके
ये क्यों बढकर के मर्यादा
जब कोई मुझको गरज़ नहीं दुनिया के सच्चे झूठों से
फिर क्यों इनकी बातों से मन धुक धुक कर के जलता है
लकड़ी में घुन सा लगता है
है तो सारा अम्बर मेरा
तारे मेरे सूरज मेरा
माँगूं तो अब भी शायद
हो धरती और सागर मेरा
पर वो मुझसे रूठ गया जो
पर वो मेरा छूट गया जो
चन्दा मुझको खलता है
इक सपना मन में पलता है
मन का ही ये दीपक मेरे
बुझता है न खुल कर ही क्यों जलता है
लकड़ी में घुन सा लगता है
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I think I am in love with my blog
Why?
Because......
When I am away, cooking, driving, doing something else, I think of so many things I would like to write on my blog, but when I actually sign in... poof... all gone!
मतलब यूँ तो बहुत कुछ कहना है मुझे तुमसे, पर जो कभी सामने आ ही जाओ मेरे, तो फिर सिट्टी पिट्टी गुल। फिर हम उल्टे पाँव भग लें ...... :)
Because......
When I am away, cooking, driving, doing something else, I think of so many things I would like to write on my blog, but when I actually sign in... poof... all gone!
मतलब यूँ तो बहुत कुछ कहना है मुझे तुमसे, पर जो कभी सामने आ ही जाओ मेरे, तो फिर सिट्टी पिट्टी गुल। फिर हम उल्टे पाँव भग लें ...... :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
chal ri sajni
I love this song for it stands for a philosophy of life.
चल री सजनी अब क्या सोचे?
कजरा न बह जाये रोते रोते.
The way I look at it, it says, there is a time to think and a time to NOT think. You see, जब डोली जा रही है, अब वो तो सोचने का टाइम नही है न । टाइम तो तब था न, जब घरवाले पूछ रहे थे कि बेटे शादी करनी है कि नहीं। तब सोचने का टाइम था । अब इस वक़्त सोचने से किसी का भला नहीं होने वाला, अब तो जो होना था वो हो गया। तो भाया राम नाम जपो और जितनी हो सके उतनी अच्छे से निभाओ। बस।
so, I think it is very important in life to learn when not to think. When not to unnecessarily complicate your life.
चल री सजनी अब क्या सोचे?
कजरा न बह जाये रोते रोते.
The way I look at it, it says, there is a time to think and a time to NOT think. You see, जब डोली जा रही है, अब वो तो सोचने का टाइम नही है न । टाइम तो तब था न, जब घरवाले पूछ रहे थे कि बेटे शादी करनी है कि नहीं। तब सोचने का टाइम था । अब इस वक़्त सोचने से किसी का भला नहीं होने वाला, अब तो जो होना था वो हो गया। तो भाया राम नाम जपो और जितनी हो सके उतनी अच्छे से निभाओ। बस।
so, I think it is very important in life to learn when not to think. When not to unnecessarily complicate your life.
Monday, February 2, 2009
All I really need to know
This is a huge poster down at my doctors office, I love it.
All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:- Share everything.
- Play fair.
- Don't hit people.
- Put things back where you found them.
- Clean up your own mess.
- Don't take things that aren't yours.
- Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
- Wash your hands before you eat.
- Flush.
- Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
- Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
- Take a nap every afternoon.
- When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
- Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
- Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
- And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.
Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum. See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com/ ]Thursday, January 29, 2009
self esteem
What is self esteem? Why do we like ourselves some day and not so much the other days?
When i look back, i like myself more on days when i am productive, whatever productivity is in my opinion, when I was younger it meant studying, as a teacher it means teaching a really well delivered lesson, at home it can mean a day I cleaned up the house cooked good food and generally took care of every thing I think I should.
We dislike ourselves on days we deviate from our ideas of what we should be.
Of course the word should troubles me too. Who defines what I should or should not do? On the surface it is tempting to say I do. But do I ?
Aren't my ideas of what I should do based on other people's expectations of me? I want everyone to like me so i want to do things that they want, so that they can like me and I can in turn feel better about my self? Most of the times I suspect that to be the case. Most of our actions are need based, my need to prove something - to you to myself.
We are taught to take pride in our achievements. I make a truckload of money, I look pretty, I got an A+ on my test. No body praises me when I flunk a class, when I make a mess, lose my job. infact I might just get yelled at. Over time I begin to learn what desirable and undesirable behaviours are and to the extent that i desire approval I begin to align myself with the so called right actions, till I reach the point where I chastise myself when I deviate from them. I kick myself, I condemn myself, I hate myself. As life gets busier I never really sit down to question the validity of my own beliefs. I accept them as true and just and keep striving to live up to them. I am not trying to say that nothing is right or wrong, ofcourse it is, it has to be. But how can I ever know, what is and what isn't, apart from what was told to me? How can i begin to love myself outside of my public image?
In order to love myself, I must do two things.
1. Figure out who I am? What my deepest desires / motivations are. Why do I do the things I do? What is my MO in life? What are the patterns? How have I reacted - repeatedly - to external life challenges and situations? What does that say about the kind of person I am? What are my core strengths and weaknesses?
and along side that, I must ask myself
2. What are my values in life? What do I think qualifies as right action? Yes, it stands to argument that there is no such thing as original thought, still, to whatever extent I can reasonably be sure of having thought for myself, I must think, and come to my own understanding of right and wrong. Most people would want to do the right thing - right in their own paradigm.
Having done that, I might sit down and compare the two pictures. To the extent that the person I am aligns with the person I think I should be I will find I like myself and to the extent that I do not I will loathe my self. Which is fine in the beginning.
But then I must take up the harder task. I must look more closely at the person I am and begin to change my ideas of the 'person I think I should be'. You see, even though the term self - analysis implies it is an analysis for the self, I find that most of us are unable to be completely honest, or to be completely with the self. Its almost as if someone is always watching. We are always playing for an audience. So may be I find that I have been too harsh in my expectations, may be it is time to modify them, that may be life can still go on if I am not a meek submissive obedient wife so to speak. That I can love myself for speaking up and giving my husband a hard time for buying those stocks that I told him not to. After all he never said he wanted to marry a fifties hindi film heroine. The sooner I can take that off my should list the better it is.
Personally, over years, I came to realize that all this while I had been defining myself with what I do, that I had limited my self to my actions. I have now begun to see that if the source of my self esteem is my job, my clothes, my hair, then it is a precarious source. I am asking for trouble now aren't I? I am not saying that my actions should not be a source of my self esteem, if I can do something well, then I should be proud of my abilities, but that cannot be the only source. What can be? I don't know.
All I know is that the more I can focus on who I am past and present, and begin to understand my self, the better I feel about myself. Then I worry less about what others see when they look at me, I don't care much, because I know who I am and I have made my peace with that. That the more I can disassociate my self worth with my current situation, the better I like myself.
In this moment my hair is disheveled and unkempt, but if I wash and dry them right they have the potential to look quite presentable, however, right now, it is more important for me to cook food and clean up my house, hence it is perfectly acceptable for me to not spend time on my hair. Which means not thinking about them, not fretting about them, not feeling bad about them. Because I do not define my SELF with my hair, a 'bad hair day' does not become a 'feeling bad about me' day. Okay wait, some days it does, because on those days I do define my self with my hair, but don't you go around telling any body :P
When i look back, i like myself more on days when i am productive, whatever productivity is in my opinion, when I was younger it meant studying, as a teacher it means teaching a really well delivered lesson, at home it can mean a day I cleaned up the house cooked good food and generally took care of every thing I think I should.
We dislike ourselves on days we deviate from our ideas of what we should be.
Of course the word should troubles me too. Who defines what I should or should not do? On the surface it is tempting to say I do. But do I ?
Aren't my ideas of what I should do based on other people's expectations of me? I want everyone to like me so i want to do things that they want, so that they can like me and I can in turn feel better about my self? Most of the times I suspect that to be the case. Most of our actions are need based, my need to prove something - to you to myself.
We are taught to take pride in our achievements. I make a truckload of money, I look pretty, I got an A+ on my test. No body praises me when I flunk a class, when I make a mess, lose my job. infact I might just get yelled at. Over time I begin to learn what desirable and undesirable behaviours are and to the extent that i desire approval I begin to align myself with the so called right actions, till I reach the point where I chastise myself when I deviate from them. I kick myself, I condemn myself, I hate myself. As life gets busier I never really sit down to question the validity of my own beliefs. I accept them as true and just and keep striving to live up to them. I am not trying to say that nothing is right or wrong, ofcourse it is, it has to be. But how can I ever know, what is and what isn't, apart from what was told to me? How can i begin to love myself outside of my public image?
In order to love myself, I must do two things.
1. Figure out who I am? What my deepest desires / motivations are. Why do I do the things I do? What is my MO in life? What are the patterns? How have I reacted - repeatedly - to external life challenges and situations? What does that say about the kind of person I am? What are my core strengths and weaknesses?
and along side that, I must ask myself
2. What are my values in life? What do I think qualifies as right action? Yes, it stands to argument that there is no such thing as original thought, still, to whatever extent I can reasonably be sure of having thought for myself, I must think, and come to my own understanding of right and wrong. Most people would want to do the right thing - right in their own paradigm.
Having done that, I might sit down and compare the two pictures. To the extent that the person I am aligns with the person I think I should be I will find I like myself and to the extent that I do not I will loathe my self. Which is fine in the beginning.
But then I must take up the harder task. I must look more closely at the person I am and begin to change my ideas of the 'person I think I should be'. You see, even though the term self - analysis implies it is an analysis for the self, I find that most of us are unable to be completely honest, or to be completely with the self. Its almost as if someone is always watching. We are always playing for an audience. So may be I find that I have been too harsh in my expectations, may be it is time to modify them, that may be life can still go on if I am not a meek submissive obedient wife so to speak. That I can love myself for speaking up and giving my husband a hard time for buying those stocks that I told him not to. After all he never said he wanted to marry a fifties hindi film heroine. The sooner I can take that off my should list the better it is.
Personally, over years, I came to realize that all this while I had been defining myself with what I do, that I had limited my self to my actions. I have now begun to see that if the source of my self esteem is my job, my clothes, my hair, then it is a precarious source. I am asking for trouble now aren't I? I am not saying that my actions should not be a source of my self esteem, if I can do something well, then I should be proud of my abilities, but that cannot be the only source. What can be? I don't know.
All I know is that the more I can focus on who I am past and present, and begin to understand my self, the better I feel about myself. Then I worry less about what others see when they look at me, I don't care much, because I know who I am and I have made my peace with that. That the more I can disassociate my self worth with my current situation, the better I like myself.
In this moment my hair is disheveled and unkempt, but if I wash and dry them right they have the potential to look quite presentable, however, right now, it is more important for me to cook food and clean up my house, hence it is perfectly acceptable for me to not spend time on my hair. Which means not thinking about them, not fretting about them, not feeling bad about them. Because I do not define my SELF with my hair, a 'bad hair day' does not become a 'feeling bad about me' day. Okay wait, some days it does, because on those days I do define my self with my hair, but don't you go around telling any body :P
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
people who leave price tags on...
I am really at a loss as to what to do with people who habitually leave price tags on their gifts. Not that there are not options, there are, but I just can never decide what the right option is. And I am not talking about a one off mistake, everyone can make that, it is the ones who ALWAYS leave the tags on.
What are the options and the objections to them? Well I have a list.....
1) Don't say anything, keep giving them gifts with price tags removed, and hope that they get the message. ----- well, they don't. Lord I have tried.
2) Start giving them gifts with price tags on. --- too tacky, cannot do that. Besides how does that make me any different from them and knowing these people they might just call me up on it, and then i cannot say that hey! you do that too. :(
3) Gently complain about someonelse who leaves tags on. --- I tried that. most of these people who leave tags on join me and start abusing the other people who leave tags on and never get it that I am cribbing about them. What is worse, they keep doing it. grrr....
4) Tell them oh my god the gift was so expensive, quote the exact value of it, and hope it embarrasses them enough to not do it the next time. --- this one person I did this to, and you have to know i was desperate, she keeps doing it, well, she actually turned to me and said ohhhh, don't worry about that, so what if it is expensive? umm.... what ? @#&*$#($
5) Hold on to their gift and find some way of giving it back to them. --- I have not yet tried this one, but, well, its ripe with possibilities of backfiring so... not that lucritive.
6) Say pointblank, oh you left the tag on, I haven't seen it yet, do you want to take it off? --- They do apologise then, and take it off, but it has absolutely no deterrent value for most of these people, they are beyond that. I find that they still keep doing it next time. :( though it does make them doubt if you really did not see the price, and bugs them becuase obviously they wanted you to see the price, so you washed away their plans :P small satisfaction.
So seriously I have no idea what to do with these people. I don't want to become like them and I do not want to stay on the recieving end of this complety rude behaviour. Tell me what you do? Is it working?
What are the options and the objections to them? Well I have a list.....
1) Don't say anything, keep giving them gifts with price tags removed, and hope that they get the message. ----- well, they don't. Lord I have tried.
2) Start giving them gifts with price tags on. --- too tacky, cannot do that. Besides how does that make me any different from them and knowing these people they might just call me up on it, and then i cannot say that hey! you do that too. :(
3) Gently complain about someonelse who leaves tags on. --- I tried that. most of these people who leave tags on join me and start abusing the other people who leave tags on and never get it that I am cribbing about them. What is worse, they keep doing it. grrr....
4) Tell them oh my god the gift was so expensive, quote the exact value of it, and hope it embarrasses them enough to not do it the next time. --- this one person I did this to, and you have to know i was desperate, she keeps doing it, well, she actually turned to me and said ohhhh, don't worry about that, so what if it is expensive? umm.... what ? @#&*$#($
5) Hold on to their gift and find some way of giving it back to them. --- I have not yet tried this one, but, well, its ripe with possibilities of backfiring so... not that lucritive.
6) Say pointblank, oh you left the tag on, I haven't seen it yet, do you want to take it off? --- They do apologise then, and take it off, but it has absolutely no deterrent value for most of these people, they are beyond that. I find that they still keep doing it next time. :( though it does make them doubt if you really did not see the price, and bugs them becuase obviously they wanted you to see the price, so you washed away their plans :P small satisfaction.
So seriously I have no idea what to do with these people. I don't want to become like them and I do not want to stay on the recieving end of this complety rude behaviour. Tell me what you do? Is it working?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
neat 0
hmm... neat :)
so i am going to collect all number plates i like here and give them a ranking this one gets 3/5
yesterday i saw fourcast umm... 2/5 coz well the guy just might be a meteorologist so it makes some sense and it is better than a simple name jane, mary etc etc, but it could have been better. 4kast ? :D
so i am going to collect all number plates i like here and give them a ranking this one gets 3/5
yesterday i saw fourcast umm... 2/5 coz well the guy just might be a meteorologist so it makes some sense and it is better than a simple name jane, mary etc etc, but it could have been better. 4kast ? :D
Thursday, January 22, 2009
is happiness the goal of life? - 2
Here is the biggest reason why happiness cannot be the goal of life...
Happiness is a mental construct, its a state of the mind, it does not exist outside me. I can decide to be happy and actually be happy, no matter what my external realities are. I actually believe and practice that. I have lived through situations that to an outside observer would have looked blissful, but I can testify that I was miserable back then, and I have had to live through not so comfortable times but I assure you, I was perfectly happy.
I can wake up in the morning and decide the kind of day I am going to have, and nine out of ten times, I fulfill my own prophecies. Then to the extent that I control my happiness, it is useless as a goal, because I can have it whenever I choose to. And any goal achieved without much effort can hardly be an object of desire, leave alone the work of a life time. In my head, happiness is the same as that pessimism optimism nonsense, I prefer realism, thank you very much.
Am I saying I am not happy? No. Only a fool would admit that ;) which I am on some days :)
As I said in part 1, being happy makes life easy. People don't ask too many questions, don't give you useless advice, and generally don't get in your way too much. So being happy is ergonomic. It is an efficient tool you use to coast through life in order to pursue your real goal(s) whatever that might be.
Happiness is a mental construct, its a state of the mind, it does not exist outside me. I can decide to be happy and actually be happy, no matter what my external realities are. I actually believe and practice that. I have lived through situations that to an outside observer would have looked blissful, but I can testify that I was miserable back then, and I have had to live through not so comfortable times but I assure you, I was perfectly happy.
I can wake up in the morning and decide the kind of day I am going to have, and nine out of ten times, I fulfill my own prophecies. Then to the extent that I control my happiness, it is useless as a goal, because I can have it whenever I choose to. And any goal achieved without much effort can hardly be an object of desire, leave alone the work of a life time. In my head, happiness is the same as that pessimism optimism nonsense, I prefer realism, thank you very much.
Am I saying I am not happy? No. Only a fool would admit that ;) which I am on some days :)
As I said in part 1, being happy makes life easy. People don't ask too many questions, don't give you useless advice, and generally don't get in your way too much. So being happy is ergonomic. It is an efficient tool you use to coast through life in order to pursue your real goal(s) whatever that might be.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
is happiness the goal of life? - 1
So, we were having this discussion S and I, and the question was if happiness was the goal of life. I have my dad's voice booming in my ears saying - A pig is happy in the gutter! how could that be the goal of life? Yes sir! it cannot be. For that matter i am not sure if any one thing in itself could said to be the goal of life per se, it has to be more complicated than that. doesn't it? ;)
Whatever the goal of life is or should be, I am convinced that being happy has to be a part of life. I cannot imagine any balanced / truly wise person being morbidly unhappy.
No matter what you do, how grand or important it is, you have to do it with a certain good will. However great you think you are and how much ever better than everyone else around you, still, in all seriousness, being constantly irritated and angry does not serve any real purpose. You should - within reasonable means - strive to be happy. I am not talking about a chirpy giddy squealing happiness, a more of, you know what, we are doing the best we can and that is that. No point stressing about it kind of happiness.
Though i cannot see any major harm come from the above mentioned chirpy-school-girl-giddy-happiness either. Apart from being labeled scatterbrained and frivolous, i do not see it being villainous in any way. Whereas a constantly morose disposition might be injurious to your health, along with being people repellent that is.
hunh.
So, moral of the story, whatever blank life is throwing your way, you might as well be cheerful cleaning up the mess, it might not make it less work but it definitely makes it easier. And if you are actually happy doing dishes then..... hey! more power to you sister!
Whatever the goal of life is or should be, I am convinced that being happy has to be a part of life. I cannot imagine any balanced / truly wise person being morbidly unhappy.
No matter what you do, how grand or important it is, you have to do it with a certain good will. However great you think you are and how much ever better than everyone else around you, still, in all seriousness, being constantly irritated and angry does not serve any real purpose. You should - within reasonable means - strive to be happy. I am not talking about a chirpy giddy squealing happiness, a more of, you know what, we are doing the best we can and that is that. No point stressing about it kind of happiness.
Though i cannot see any major harm come from the above mentioned chirpy-school-girl-giddy-happiness either. Apart from being labeled scatterbrained and frivolous, i do not see it being villainous in any way. Whereas a constantly morose disposition might be injurious to your health, along with being people repellent that is.
hunh.
So, moral of the story, whatever blank life is throwing your way, you might as well be cheerful cleaning up the mess, it might not make it less work but it definitely makes it easier. And if you are actually happy doing dishes then..... hey! more power to you sister!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
haule haule
i am beginning to like haule haule, thanks to my daughter, who makes me listen to it day in day out ! Rolling my eyes.
i like this particular part
ishqe di galliyan tang hain
sharmo sharmi me band hain
khud se khud ki kaisi ye jang hai
kaisi ye paheli
vo dil marjana
ishq me jaldi
bada jurmana
and i love the way sukhwinder has sung it.
i like this particular part
ishqe di galliyan tang hain
sharmo sharmi me band hain
khud se khud ki kaisi ye jang hai
kaisi ye paheli
vo dil marjana
ishq me jaldi
bada jurmana
and i love the way sukhwinder has sung it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
waiting for godot
मुझे एक बात समझ में आई, वो एक कहावत है न, इंतज़ार में आँखें पथराना, वो , वो कहावत समझ में आ गई. क्यों आई, ये बेकार कि बात है , आ गई ये ध्यान देने कि बात है। तो चलो देर आए, दुरुस्त आए। पर ये नही समझ में आया, कि जब आँखें पथरा ही गई फिर क्या? उसके बाद क्या? उसके बाद का कहावत में नही लिखा, उसके बाद का मुझे अभी समझ नही आया, पथरा गई तो इंतज़ार ख़तम हो गया क्या? या सदा सदा के लिए अब इंतज़ार में ही रहेंगी?
बड़ी nonsense कि सी बात है जी। i am waiting for you implies that you have to show up, eventually, after an x period in time, but if you never show up then is it still technically wait? is it not an entirely new state of being?
वो मान साहब ठीक कह गए हैं जी, तुस्सी औना नहीं किसे ने सान्नू लौना नहीं......
I think i am finally going to read waiting for godot, i have been scared $&*#less of that one, but, its time....
बड़ी nonsense कि सी बात है जी। i am waiting for you implies that you have to show up, eventually, after an x period in time, but if you never show up then is it still technically wait? is it not an entirely new state of being?
वो मान साहब ठीक कह गए हैं जी, तुस्सी औना नहीं किसे ने सान्नू लौना नहीं......
I think i am finally going to read waiting for godot, i have been scared $&*#less of that one, but, its time....
Thursday, January 15, 2009
aaye tum yaad mujhe
I don't know why, par kal se mujhe ye gana bahut yaad aa raha hai
aaye tum yaad mujhe, gaane lagi har dhadkan
khushboo laaye pawan
mehka chandan
I tried listening to it on you tube today, but lord, is it a sad song or what. I can not take it, I had to close it. It has to do with his singing, because the words are not that sad, aaye tum yaad mujhe to khushi ki baat hai na, but look at this guy, listening to him makes me want to cry. And I cannot afford to cry, so I am not going to listen to him. Period.
If something is going to torture you, then even if it kills you, you must go out of your way to avoid it. Wait, that does not make any sense. tch. But, you know what I mean.
It is strange. I used to love Kishore Kumar, and then I just completely went the other way, I did not want to listen to any KK song. Ever. Amazing how you cannot tell why your brain works the way it does. Does that happen to you? You form a knot in your head or heart or whereever about something, and then you can't stand it, and you can' reason it out, you can not open it, its just annoyingly there, till the time something heals you out of the blue and it dissolves, on its own, with no credit to you? Happens to me a lot. I guess I will just have to sit this one out, and wait for this KK knot to dissolve....
aaye tum yaad mujhe, gaane lagi har dhadkan
khushboo laaye pawan
mehka chandan
I tried listening to it on you tube today, but lord, is it a sad song or what. I can not take it, I had to close it. It has to do with his singing, because the words are not that sad, aaye tum yaad mujhe to khushi ki baat hai na, but look at this guy, listening to him makes me want to cry. And I cannot afford to cry, so I am not going to listen to him. Period.
If something is going to torture you, then even if it kills you, you must go out of your way to avoid it. Wait, that does not make any sense. tch. But, you know what I mean.
It is strange. I used to love Kishore Kumar, and then I just completely went the other way, I did not want to listen to any KK song. Ever. Amazing how you cannot tell why your brain works the way it does. Does that happen to you? You form a knot in your head or heart or whereever about something, and then you can't stand it, and you can' reason it out, you can not open it, its just annoyingly there, till the time something heals you out of the blue and it dissolves, on its own, with no credit to you? Happens to me a lot. I guess I will just have to sit this one out, and wait for this KK knot to dissolve....
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
get a grip
I was trying to park in this spot, it wasn't a great spot, but there was enough space for the car, barely enough. But the thing is, I kept going at the wrong angle and by four attempts I was frustrated, there was this part of me telling me to shut up and just do it, and another saying why bother, if I am having so much trouble, i might scrape one of the other cars - not worth it.
So what did i do? I drove away and parked elsewhere.
Why does it bother me? because if I did not think it to death I could have parked there. And that is my MO in life, every time I think something to death, I kill it. I can do anything I want, just as long as I can get a grip on this stupid thing - my head. argh!
So what did i do? I drove away and parked elsewhere.
Why does it bother me? because if I did not think it to death I could have parked there. And that is my MO in life, every time I think something to death, I kill it. I can do anything I want, just as long as I can get a grip on this stupid thing - my head. argh!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
number plates
i saw two number plates today that made me smile.
MIRCHIE
and
VELOCITY
:)
i love reading plates its good entertainment while driving
i remember this one
10IS
read tennis :)
MIRCHIE
and
VELOCITY
:)
i love reading plates its good entertainment while driving
i remember this one
10IS
read tennis :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
aa soneya ve jag
i love this song, because i accept the philosophy behind it.
aa soneya ve jag jyundeyan de mele,
that life is for the living, you can do what ever you want while you are alive, for no one knows what happens after death. even the things you think are final are not final as long as you are alive. you can change the situation, death is the only last word, after that you cannot do much. So if there is someone you are upset with, some one you love, some one you want to forgive, you must do it now, tell them while you are both alive, because even if one of you dies, that's it, that is the end of that relationship. I get that. Not to say there are not some unfinished businesses i have not left hanging around, well there are, i just keep telling myself i will make that phone call tomorrow, or write that email tomorrow.
It's not writing the email that is hard, it is the part of- maybe they don't even care that i forgive them or seek their forgiveness, may be what meant so much to me, did not mean anything to them, maybe it is a non-entity, that i have built up in my head. That is the worst of all arguments, very hard to refute.....
i just keep telling myself , there is time to figure this out yet, when inside i know there is not. i am being an idiot. I know.
aa soneya ve jag jyundeyan de mele,
that life is for the living, you can do what ever you want while you are alive, for no one knows what happens after death. even the things you think are final are not final as long as you are alive. you can change the situation, death is the only last word, after that you cannot do much. So if there is someone you are upset with, some one you love, some one you want to forgive, you must do it now, tell them while you are both alive, because even if one of you dies, that's it, that is the end of that relationship. I get that. Not to say there are not some unfinished businesses i have not left hanging around, well there are, i just keep telling myself i will make that phone call tomorrow, or write that email tomorrow.
It's not writing the email that is hard, it is the part of- maybe they don't even care that i forgive them or seek their forgiveness, may be what meant so much to me, did not mean anything to them, maybe it is a non-entity, that i have built up in my head. That is the worst of all arguments, very hard to refute.....
i just keep telling myself , there is time to figure this out yet, when inside i know there is not. i am being an idiot. I know.
maine likh kar shabd apne
मैंने लिख कर शब्द अपने
कुछ
बहते पानी के धारों में डाले
कुछ ज़ब्त किये
कुछ दफन किये
कुछ
जलते अंगारों पर डाले
वो नमक बने
कुछ सागर का
वो फूल बने
इक पतझड़ का
कहीं धुआं उठा कोई बदल सा
वो गीत बने
इक पागल का
मैंने लिख कर शब्द अपने
कुछ बहते पानी के धारों में डाले
कुछ फाड़े
कुछ फ़ेंक दिए
कुछ उडती हवा के शानो पर डाले
वो खाब बने
इक सुबहो का
हो दर्द पुराना
भूला सा
टूटा
कोई तार किसी के आँचल का
लो फिर इक बार बनें वो
अरमान
मेरे दिल पागल का
मैंने लिख कर शब्द अपने...
सब, वो सब के सब delete कर डाले ;)
कुछ
बहते पानी के धारों में डाले
कुछ ज़ब्त किये
कुछ दफन किये
कुछ
जलते अंगारों पर डाले
वो नमक बने
कुछ सागर का
वो फूल बने
इक पतझड़ का
कहीं धुआं उठा कोई बदल सा
वो गीत बने
इक पागल का
मैंने लिख कर शब्द अपने
कुछ बहते पानी के धारों में डाले
कुछ फाड़े
कुछ फ़ेंक दिए
कुछ उडती हवा के शानो पर डाले
वो खाब बने
इक सुबहो का
हो दर्द पुराना
भूला सा
टूटा
कोई तार किसी के आँचल का
लो फिर इक बार बनें वो
अरमान
मेरे दिल पागल का
मैंने लिख कर शब्द अपने...
सब, वो सब के सब delete कर डाले ;)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
jeevan ki aapadhaapi me
मैंने ये कविता न जाने कितनी बार अपने कॉलेज के फंक्शन्स और कल्चरल सोसाइटी की मीटिंग्स में सुनायी है। मुझे लगता था की मैं इस कविता को समझती हूँ। पर आज इतना वक्त बीत जाने के बाद कुछ शब्दों के अर्थ एक नए सिरे से समझ आने लगें हैं, औरअब जब याद करतीं हूँ, वो , तब की समझ, तो हैरत होती है - कभी ये; की वो समझ भी कैसी नासमझ थी, और कभी ये, कि कैसे, कैसे समझ सकती थी मैं ये बात, तब तो ऐसा कुछ था ही नहीं ।तो शायद वो समझ उतनी भी नासमझ नही थी.... और तब और भी हैरत होती है।
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
जों किया, कहा, माना
जिस दिन मेरी चेतना जगी
दुनिया के मेले में,
हर एक यहाँ पर एक भुलावे में भूला
कुछ देर रहा हक्का-बक्का, भौचक्का-सा,
आ गया कहाँ,
क्या करूँ यहाँ,
जाऊँ किस जा?
फिर एक तरफ से आया ही तो धक्का- सा
बाहर की रेला ठेली ही कुछ कम थी,
जो भीतर भी भावों का ऊहापोह मचा,
जो किया, उसीi को करने की मजबूरी थी,
जो कहा, वही मन के अंदर से उबल चला,
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिलाकुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ,
जों किया , कहा, मानामेला जितना ही भड़कीला
मानस के अन्दर उतनी ही कमज़ोरी थी,
जितना ज़्यादा संचित करने की ख़्वाहिश थी,
उतनी ही छोटी अपने कर की थी,
जितनी ही बिरमे रहने की थी अभिलाषा,
उतना ही रेले तेज ढकेले जाते थे,
क्रय-विक्रय तो ठण्ढे दिल से हो सकता है,
यह तो भागा-भागी की छीना-छोरी थी;
अब मुझसे पूछा जाता है क्या बतलाऊँ
वह कौन रतन अनमोल मिला ऐसा मुझको,
जिस पर अपना मन प्राण निछावर कर आया,
यह थी तकदीरी बात मुझे गुण दोष न दो,
जिसको समझा था सोना, वह मिट्टी निकली,
जिसको समझा था आँसू, वह मोती निकला।
जीवन
की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिलाकुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँजो किया,
कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।
कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।
मैं कितना ही भूलूँ, भटकूँ या भरमाऊँ,है एक कहीं मंज़िल जो मुझे बुलाती है,
कितने ही मेरे पाँव पड़े ऊँचे-नीचे,प्रतिपल वह मेरे पास चली ही आती है,
मुझ पर विधि का अहसान बहुत-सी बातों का।
पर मैं कृतज्ञ उसका इस पर सबसे ज़्यादा
अनवरत समय की चक्की चलती जाती है
,मैं जहाँ खड़ा था कल उस थल पर आज नहीं,
कल इसी जगह पर पाना मुझको मुश्किल है,
ले मापदंड जिसको परिवर्तित कर देतीं केवल छु कर देश-काल की सीमाएं
Thursday, January 1, 2009
happy new year
Another year is here.
When I was younger i felt a sort of excitement to write a new date in my notes each day, those days are long gone, i now feel this apathy towards the change of a date. you see i don't see what it represents anymore, what is the significance?
I don't get it.
I am just indifferent to it.
But, Happy new year all the same.
Lord, that sounds like a cynic. nope, am not really that, i guess what i don't get is the point of staying up till midnight to yell happy new year, so i donot do that, not since grade eleven have i stayed up ever for the new year, not consciously that is, if i was doing something and was up then that was a different story, except this year, i stayed up with a few friends, i guess when you have kids, you kinda need to conform or something, let them do what the other kids are doing ... humph. No, I know. Not that you need to, you or atleast I, sort of feel it is better to let her do all the regular traditional conventional stuff, untill she gets a better grasp on what she wants to do herself and then she can rebel and i can pretend to be upset, though i can never imagine myself being really ever mad at her wanting to do her own thing.
When I was younger i felt a sort of excitement to write a new date in my notes each day, those days are long gone, i now feel this apathy towards the change of a date. you see i don't see what it represents anymore, what is the significance?
I don't get it.
I am just indifferent to it.
But, Happy new year all the same.
Lord, that sounds like a cynic. nope, am not really that, i guess what i don't get is the point of staying up till midnight to yell happy new year, so i donot do that, not since grade eleven have i stayed up ever for the new year, not consciously that is, if i was doing something and was up then that was a different story, except this year, i stayed up with a few friends, i guess when you have kids, you kinda need to conform or something, let them do what the other kids are doing ... humph. No, I know. Not that you need to, you or atleast I, sort of feel it is better to let her do all the regular traditional conventional stuff, untill she gets a better grasp on what she wants to do herself and then she can rebel and i can pretend to be upset, though i can never imagine myself being really ever mad at her wanting to do her own thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)